Saturday, December 05, 2009

Why you should never go to the last Google result. EVER. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 41)

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It's 6:09 a.m. on Saturday morning. I've given up trying to sleep in on Saturdays; every time I try to sleep in, Mr F and Mr Bunches wake me up to watch Peter Pan with them or to work their little M&M Christmas Toy Fans...

... no, I can't really explain what that is. Instead, let's get to Sweetie's 41st Hunk of the Week,

Giovanni Ribisi!

Wanted in 30 states.

(I hope I spelled that right. I don't speak Italian.) Also, really? Look at that guy. He's creeping me out. Let's try this:

Probably orders
white wine with dinner.

Okay. That's better.

You Don't Know Him Without you have watched Friends, where he played Frank, Phoebe's refrigerator-college-going, older-teacher-marrying, pyromaniac younger brother. Ah, remember the 1990s, when we still understood how kids burning things down and teachers molesting children was funny? Not like today, with all the killjoys insisting those things are crimes and reducing our sitcoms to making jokes about pie.

Funnier than any dessert. Except "flan." THAT's humor!

Yes, Giovanni Ribisi -- whose name I can't type, it seems, without accidentally putting an a on the end of his first name, so that it comes out Giovannia, and then I have to backspace and delete the a, so let's just call him Giovannia -- Giovannia Ribisi, like such other luminescent actors of our generation (Bob Denver, Jerry Mathers, Gary Coleman) finds himself in a bind: On the one hand, he's a great actor (just like Jerry Mathers), but on the other, the only thing people (me) remember him for is playing Frank, which, let's be honest, we probably only remember because Frank was the only Phoebe-based storyline that was ever even remotely interesting, at least until Mike came along.

In fact, Phoebe had the distinction of being the only character I can think of, ever, in a TV show, who was only interesting in relation to who she was interacting with: Alec Baldwin, Mike, Steve Zahn as her gay ice dancer ex-husband, even that widow who didn't want to pay the catering bill when she and Monica started a catering business: all of them were more interesting than Phoebe, who by all rights should've been dropped off the show immediately. The rest of the Friends you could see being Friends, but Phoebe? It was hard to imagine her existing, period. (Nowadays, a real-life Phoebe would have her own reality show and perfume line. But then again, everyone has their own perfume line nowadays. Andy Warhol should have said "In the future, everyone will be given a chance to smell like everybody else.")

(But he didn't. I said that, and don't you forget it.)

You're getting off track. Focus!

So. Giovannia Ribisi, about whom we were talking, has appeared in 77 different things, according to his IMDB resume, including not just Friends but actual movies where he was actually good, but also in things like The Wonder Years, where he played a role called Hulk Arnold, and, also, it turns out, his very first role ever, back in 1983, was playing Duffy Guthrie in...

Still The Beaver! So you see? I was right to link him with Jerry Mathers, just like I always am when I make these offhand remarks that are the hallmark of my genius. I say something half-baked, and it turns out to be true. I'm like a Greek God! And not one of those crummy Greek gods whose job was delivering messages, UPSilon or something; a really good Greek god, who can foretell the future or something, and come up with really good parodies of Andy Warhol quotes.

Giovannia Ribisi's role in Still The Beaver must have been small; the only person lower than him on the credits is Hugh Beaumont, who was dead.

And, I was able to find a clip from Still The Beaver:

I watched it; Giovannia doesn't appear in there. But it did make me nostalgic for the early 1980s, a glorious time when nobody had yet heard of Ewoks, grunge, or Twilight.

From those humble beginnings, Giovannia went on to such other huge roles as a two-episode stint on Blossom, and an undescribed role in Untitled Jason Lee Short, which I imagine is him and Jason Lee sitting around and shooting pool and forgetting that the camcorder was running.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him:
The first things that spring to mind here are the way it's actually impossible to type his name without adding that a on the end, and the question of "how bad do you have to be to get dropped from Blossom after only two episodes?" But I delved deeper, for you:

I Googled Giovannia Ribisi to see what I could dig up on him, since the only reason I remembered him at all was that last night I watched a Friends rerun, the episode where Phoebe ( ugh! What we need is a DVR-style thing that instead of skipping commercials, lets people delete out characters they don't like from old TV shows. Good-bye, Phoebe! Good-bye, Janet! Good-bye, entire cast of Cheers!) tells Frank that she's having triplets, and Frank yells "I finally got my band!"

I'm not kidding. I really did Google Giovannia Ribisi, because I can't type his name without adding that vowel on. I'm sure it's some latent ethnicism in me, adding that a because it seems Italian, and probably is Italian, since, as everyone knows, Italians-a add-a the a onto their-a words-a. So I'm a multilingual Greek god, and probably moments away from my own signature perfume.

Google didn't mind the extraneous a and knew what I was looking for anyway, which is one reason why Microsoft's attempt to pay people not to be listed on Google won't work, (and why someday we'll all work for Google)(I call dibs on the personalized perfume VP job!).

I got 169,000 results for Giovannia Ribisi, which made me curious about two things: 1. Is there really a Giovannia Ribisi? and 2., What's the absolute last result for that search?

The answers to those questions are 1. How should I know? Ask him/her. and 2. This is:

Giovanni Ribisi On My Name Is Earl « Fresh Hotness

Dec 25, 2006 ... I've always loved me some Giovanni Ribisi. He's one of our most underrated actors, and he's pretty sexy. Which is why it was so great to see ... -

That is a link to a site called "Fresh Hotness," which I clicked on only to find that it's a gay porn site, making my search history all the more interesting to the various investigatory agencies that have me on their website. Thanks, Google!

This will go down on my permanent record.

That little search led not just to uncomfortable feelings, but this other thought: Why is there no skip-to-the-end feature on Google? I had to page through manually, skipping ahead 10 pages at a time. Those Google guys are usually so smart, but they really dropped the ball there. Google founders, I will let you use my skip-to-the-end idea if you give me 1% of your total wealth.

(You think I'm a fool for that deal, but each of the two founders has a net worth of $12 billion dollars, so if you gave me 1% of their wealth, I'd have 24,000,000m and could probably afford to hire someone to go into the Babies! room on Saturday morning and start their DVD so that I could sleep in.)

(Speaking of billionaires, consider this: The total cost of one health plan currently being considered by Congress is $1.055 trillion, or this: 1,055,000,000,000. The net worth -- net, after expenses-- of the top 10 people on the Forbes 400 list this year is more than 1/4 of that, $28,055,000,000. If those top 10 were to give 1/2 their accumulated wealth, that would pay 10% of the total cost of universal health care, and leave those top 10 with still $14,049,500,000 to spend. Don't worry about them: if you had $14,049,500,000, you could spend $200 a minute, every minute of your life, and not run out of money, even if you lived to be one hundred years old. Those rich people are hoarding money and they're evil, so don't tell me that we can't pay for health care.)

Anyway, the thing that makes you go Hmmm about Giovanni Ribisi is that if you look too far into his Google results, you get gay porn.

Why do I keep going back to this? Where's Still The Beaver?
I should Google that... on second thought, no.

But that could probably be said about anybody. So really, in the future, we'll all have our own signature fragrances and be linked to gay porn. Thanks, Google!

The Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: Giovanni kind of came out of the blue. As I crawled back to bed for 10 minutes of snoozing after fixing the Peter Pan DVD, I asked Sweetie what the name of her original hunk, a guy who didn't make the cut but who looks kind of like Darren from Bewitched, was. She said she didn't want Not-Darren anymore, and instead wanted Giovanni Ribisi, and I immediately assumed that because I watched that Friends episode last night, Sweetie had fallen asleep and dreamed about Giovanni Ribisi all night... gay porn dreams.

They probably began like this:

Then moved into more dangerous territory:

The Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "He's just so cute."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: That was also Sweetie's exact reason for liking Hunk 14! And she says I never pay attention to her!

Also, consider this:

Also, my signature perfume fragrance will include hints of french toast.

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