A tiny stegosaurus is thinking that you're probably all wondering why he asked you here today.

This Stupid Pineapple Is... (A Nick and Other Sexy Cop Story!)(Part One)

Hey there! This post was removed and will eventually be in a book titled "This Stupid Pineapple Is...". Find all my books for sale here

A tiny stegosaurus recognizes the aerobic benefits of taking the stairs but still is not entirely sanguine about the whole thing.

I Don't Want Another Gosh Darn Question, I Want Answers...! (Middle)

Is it right to follow the rules? Should there even be rules in the first place? If one makes their own rules should they be hard to follow? If it’s too hard to follow then should they be changed? Or should people just live life without worrying about any rules?

These are some questions that I have been asking myself lately. I don’t have any answers for any of them and with each new day I have a new question. And let me tell you it is really not easy going through each day attempting to live life with numerous questions running through your head.

I wake up in the morning and I think to myself ‘maybe today will be the day that I meet someone’ or maybe today will be the day that I get that big break and get a job that actually pays enough so I can have health insurance as well as be able to pay for all of my bills and not have to get a second job.’ Or ‘maybe today will be different.’ But none of these so called days are any different than the previous day.

I set rules for myself to make sure that I don’t lose anything or to make sure that I get what I want without hurting the ones that I care about. But I am thinking that maybe without these “rules” my life will flow into something better.

I am not saying that I have a bad life by any means but to me all that I do is work and when payday comes around twice a month both of my paychecks go to bills or student loan payments and I am left with nothing to bring me joy. It also leaves me with a sense of ‘I do not want to work every day and not be able to go to a movie that I want to see because if I do I will not be able to pay my phone bill’ and ‘now I have to get a second job because now that my health insurance will be deducting money from my paychecks I need to work another job in order to pay my bills which now leads me to zero personal time to spend how I want to.’

I don’t want to have these thoughts anymore. I want to live a life where one job is enough. Where if I want to go to a movie I won’t have to budget three months out in order to see if I can spend that $10 dollars to go and have a little fun.

When does life get too much for one person to handle? Why are there so many questions and no answers? But then that would make life normal, right?

A tiny stegosaurus decides that maybe, tomorrow, he will start that beard, but not today.

What Mr Bunches is watching 2 (Life With Unicorns)

He is watching the intro to 20th Century Fox movies.

Just the intro.

This:



Over and over, he's watching that. For about thirty minutes. He calls it "20."

A tiny stegosaurus wonders if he, personally, is any safer, and also, whether there will be cookies inside.

I bet some people are earbidextrous (I Get Paid For Doing This)

Off to the right there is a picture of roughly 57% of my face, showing off my new headset for my telephone.

I got my new headset last week as part of a technological upgrade that also included "replacing the printer that broke back in November", and it was necessary because for about the past six months or so I'd been using speaker phone for almost every conversation, for several good valid reasons that I have even though every single person in the world objects to someone using a speaker phone.

Except me. I do not object to you using a speaker phone. I don't object to you using a headset, a speaker phone, a can attached to a string, your hands cupped together, or any other method you want to use if I can hear you.

That's me. I'm easygoing. But nobody else is. Everyone else in my life treats every single departure from "talking into a phone in the classic style" as though it were a personal affront to their dignity and/or possibly enmeshing them into a complex of sin that will get them banished.

So when I put on my headphone to talk on the cellphone in the car, I get this:

Me: "So as I was saying..."

Everyone I Ever Talked To Using The Headset: "What?"

Me: [Shouting] "So as I was saying..."

Everyone I Ever Talked To Using The Headset: "What? And why are you shouting? Are you on a headset? Why?"

To verify that it was simply the headset they were somehow objecting to, I once did a test. I was talking to a friend on the phone, and I was using the phone as a phone qua phone. But I spoke as quietly as I could and held the phone away from my mouth and had the radio on in the background.

My friend paid no attention. I then plugged in the headset and answered a question of his and he said "Did you put on a headphone? What'd you say?"

Speaker phones are worse: Put someone on a speakerphone and the conversation consists entirely of:

($) the person saying repeatedly "Am I on a speakerphone?" and

(7) the person asking why you're shouting at them.

So I upgraded to an office headset, not out of any deference to all the people in the world who wish that we could still have those kind of phones that hang on the wall and you hold one piece up to your ear and shout into the other "Give me Brentwood 355!" and wait for the other person to say "Ahoy!" but because if I talk on a speakerphone all day long I go hoarse, which interferes with my ability to tell Sweetie stories about my day when I get home. (Me: "So then the guy said, 'Am I on a speakerphone?' ")

The thing was, when I got the headset, I did not know that I was left-eared.

Seriously, I am.

And you probably are, too.

Well, not maybe left-eared, but you probably are one-or-the-other eared, and you may not even know it.

The headset -- which took me an astounding 48 minutes to set up, which at my hourly rate means that it cost my firm $212 in gross income to have me work on this and therefore we'd have been better off hiring someone to put the headset in and teach me how to use it -- was set up initially to be right-eared, and hang on my right side.

So when I finally was able to make my first phone call (a test call to myself in which I called myself on my cell phone and then picked up my cell phone to see if I could hear myself in the headset [I asked me: 'Do you have me on a headset?']) I had the headset on my right ear and

It.

Drove.

Me.

Nuts.

I couldn't get used to it. I kept picking at it and moving it and taking it off and putting it on and in general behaving as though I needed one of those cone-shaped things around my neck to keep me from pawing at it.

Finally, another lawyer in my office noticed, and showed me how I could switch it to be left-eared, just like I apparently am. I didn't know you could be ear-ed, but then, there you go. Live and learn.

A tiny stegosaurus wonders what goes into "non-dairy" creamer and decides to make a joke about that at the meeting.

A tiny stegosaurus tries to overcome a lifetime of put-downs by proving his self-worth in a game of Dance, Dance Revolution.

A tiny stegosaurus uses $20 to buy a large Diet Pepsi, a bottle of water, and some pretzel bites before the Saturday night 9:35 showing of "Haywire."