I'm not a vain person. I just want to be able to take a deep breath and not scare children.

I'm tired of sucking in my stomach.

I've been sucking in my stomach for, I figure, about 98% of my life. From when I first realized that my stomach was not a selling point, that it sagged and was kind of lumpy and generally looked as though it was built of Cheetos and ice cream...


... because it is...

...I've sucked in my stomach. And that's been most of my life, all of my life, really, except for that brief span of time where I really ran a lot and weighed 172 pounds and could, because I ran upwards of 6 miles a day, eat or drink anything I wanted and not put on any weight. For that brief span of time, about 3 years, I didn't suck in my stomach.

But otherwise, it's been nothing but shallow breaths, all my life, and it's starting to look like my newest workout program (which I call "Play Cloverfield With The Babies!") is not going to remedy the situation anytime soon.

Instead, I might have to take what some would call drastic measures: a tummy tuck. (Boy, they really need a more manly name for that, don't they?)

There's this place called "MYA." It stands for "Make Yourself Amazing," and they have a website that explains how a Tummy Tuck works, and it doesn't sound too bad: an incision to allow excess fat and skin to be removed, then the belly is sewn back up. It's all over in 3 hours, under general anesthesia, with generally just one night in the hospital, and then a few weeks' rest (can do!) and it's over, and I have the stomach that I always wanted -- and I have the ability to take a deep breath without my shirt on.

MYA seems like a good place to go, too. Sure, it's a long ways away, but it's worth it if you're going to have surgery and want it done right. I wouldn't want to skimp on something as important as surgery and my future appearance. It makes it easier to contemplate that traveling, too, when you consider what MYA's mission statement is -- they aim to provide not just people who actually listen to you but reliable results and aftercare. I think, for me, the mention and focus of the aftercare is what really makes me think I'd go to MYA; it'd be easy for plastic surgeons to forget about you after the surgery's done, when the check has cleared, but it is surgery, after all, and they should be mindful of the fact that you may need them to keep up with you afterwards, too. The fact that they put it right on their website and goals makes me believe that they're not just paying lip service to customer care.

So who knows? Maybe in the near future, you'll see me and think: Now there's a guy who doesn't need to suck in his gut.