I've got an idea: A TV show about murderous cooks... with actual recipes! (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 51)

How long can this go on? Seemingly forever. Sweetie is constantly expanding her search for new hunks, as shown by her selection of Hunk 51:

Jamie Oliver!

You don't know him without you have watched the Cooking Network, or the Food! network, or whatever network it is that makes all those cooking shows that clutter up our DVR even though Sweetie long ago switched from watching cooking shows to watching true crime shows about people killing their spouses. (As a spouse, I very much endorse watching the former over the latter.)

Above: A Good Role Model

Below: Not as Good a Role Model

Sweetie used to watch cooking shows all the time, favoring that The Barefoot Contessa and Giada especially, with a little Rachael Ray mixed in. I'm not sure why she ever liked The Barefoot Contessa, since that show could be used as an anesthetic: watching that lady make her homemade pasta and then spread roe over it, all at glacial speed while she whispered made my eyes glaze over even as I wondered who eats this stuff? And who makes their own pasta, anyway? It's like 69 cents a box!

But Sweetie hasn't watched them in a while; they're just there, lurking on our DVR and keeping Demetri Martin from being taped. I don't mind her taping them so long as I don't have to watch them (except for Rachael Ray, who actually makes things I'd eat, like chili dogs.)(And even then, I'd prefer not to watch. I'd just like a chili dog.)

Above: The best role model yet.

So I was a little concerned when this week Sweetie announced that her hunk was Jamie Oliver. I had no idea who he was, until she told me he's The Naked Chef, at which point I said: "What, you're watching cooking shows again?" Sweetie assured me she wasn't, and after a second I said "So... you're watching naked shows, now?"

Sweetie said he wasn't naked and she'd just seen him... somewhere... (probably a Law & Order) and picked him out.

Somewhere. Like in her daydreams...

So that's it: you know Jamie Oliver if you watch that channel with all the cooking and people eating weird, fish-based foods (why do chefs love fish so much? Why isn't there a show where chefs like pizza?)(Pizza without fish?).

And my wife watches shows about murdering spouses and naked cooking.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: I've actually heard of The Naked Chef before -- not by name, but by that title -- and although I've never watched the show (because it has a sad lack of aliens, cartoons, people rapping, or awkward, language-based humor) I have always wondered why he's The "Naked" Chef.

That, and, is that a heart he's cutting up?
Maybe Sweetie's tastes in shows
have come together?

For a while there I assumed that it was just another twist on reality shows, that they had a guy cooking naked to generate interest by creating fake peril -- the way those nature shows have a guy go taunt an ibex, or the way there are 32 different shows on TV in which the host, at one point or another, each week, eats poop -- cooking naked as the peril, especially if he was working with hot oils.

I went to the Naked Chef's website to find out why he's The Naked Chef. I read his biog -- which is a stupid way to refer to a biography, especially when it's on the same page as his blog -- but it didn't say anything about why he's The Naked Chef. (It did mention that he's got four girls, Jools, Poppy, Daisy and Petal. Poor Petal: her sisters get whole flowers, while she's just named for a part. Why? It's not like there's a shortage of flowers. What's wrong with Rose? Lily? That's just off the top of my head. Or Chrysanthemum, and call her Chrys?)

Or Pepper? That's a cute name.

I then bravely went and googled the phrase Why is he called the naked chef despite the very real possibility that googling something with the word "naked" in it would cause my computer to explode; since googling anything results in at least 3 of the top 10 suggestions being naked people, I could only imagine what googling naked would produce.

Good news, ladies! Googling that phrase
gets you this:

But also this:

But the space-time continuum kept on... continuuming, or whatever it is a continuum does... and I found a site called "Everything2.com." That worried me: Did we already fill up Everything? Why do we need Everything2? Is that even possible, to have a second everything? Maybe I had, after all, messed up the space-time continuum... maybe things were inside out!

Maybe I'd warped reality such that green was now seven, and up was macaroni!

Or, not.

Anyway, that site -- the second compendium of everything -- said he's called The Naked Chef because of his "simple, unadorned cooking style." That answer has to be legit, because it was posted, without explanation, by a person who was named after the family cat.

(I also found out, at another site, that the girls' names are actually Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, and Petal Blossom Rainbow, so Petal is not just a part, she's a part and a whole -- Petal is a metonymy!) (Good for her!)

I am not sure who the boy is. I think he just
horned into the picture.

And, I found out, Jamie Oliver runs some charities, including a restaurant named Fifteen which trains disadvantaged kids to work in restaurants. Which is really a very nice thing for him to do.

And, I found out, The Naked Chef isn't even being produced anymore. So where did Sweetie find this guy? That's what I'd like to know, now.

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: I just went with naked. He's the naked chef, so I assumed Sweetie liked him because he's naked.

Or because he can hold a whole
box of beets up almost over his head.

Although I can't really see the draw of him being naked, I have to admit. I had no idea what he looked like before I began writing this. Now, I think he's kind of shlumpy looking.

(I can say that because I'm kind of shlumpy looking -- you know, the way that people of a given ethnicity can make ethnic jokes? Shlumpy guys can make fun of other shlumpy guys, and I doubt that Jamie Oliver is going to lose sleep over it, what with counting all his millions of dollars. Or pounds. Or whatever money they use in the UK now. Do they still use tuppence?)

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: I never actually got an actual reason. Sweetie was standing at the kitchen counter when she told me who the hunk was. When I said "And why do you like him?" she just sighed in a dreamy sort of way, put her hands on the counter, tilted her head back, and went Mmmmm.



Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: That's actually more worrisome than watching all those spouse-murder shows.

This scene brought to you
from Sweetie's dreams.