And then I will take her to a "Mystery Spot." (513 Dates)

In the newly-renamed 513 Dates, which last appeared here, I will describe a date I'd like to take Sweetie on, and why.

2.  The House On The Rock.

Sweetie swears we have been to "The House On The Rock," and Sweetie doesn't lie, which means one of several things:

1. Sweetie is lying, or
2. Sweetie went to The House On The Rock in another life.  Probably when she was a pilgrim.  I bet Sweetie was a pilgrim in a past life.  But a famous one.  Everyone was famous in their past life.  Or at least it seems so.

(I once wrote a song called Everbody's Famous In Their Past Life, but that was a long time ago and I can't find where I wrote it down.  What I recall is that the chorus was the title, and also it had the line "Too few indians and too many chiefs."  It probably also relied heavily on the G chord, which I liked.)

Here is what I know about "The House On The Rock": It is located not far from us, about a couple of miles, and it apparently has a whale in it (but not a live one) and a calliope or maybe a Merry-Go-Round (but not a live one) and, of course, Sweetie has been there.

I drive by The House On The Rock, or at least signs that promise to take me to it if I follow them, probably once a month or so, on business, and I always think "We should go there."  So I added it to the list of things that I think we should go to and/or do, a list I call "Saturdays" because let's face it, at this point I'm not even pretending that I'm going to do chores anymore, and I mentioned to Sweetie that we ought to go there, which was when Sweetie mentioned that we had gone there.

I think that Sweetie is actually getting confused by one of two places we actually have gone, one of which was a date and one of which was not, although it would be hard to confuse either of these places with a House that may or may not contain a whale and a Merry Go Round.

The first place is the "Cave Of The Mounds," which is located, in geographic terms, not very far from the House On The Rock.  It may be that the House -- which was actually built by Frank Lloyd Wright and is apparently architecturally important beyond its whale-carrying capacity and which is enough of a tourist attraction to have featured into Neil Gaiman's book American Gods as (if I recall correctly) some sort of place of power where Odin might have killed someone?

The more I think about it, the more uncertain I am about The House On The Rock, including whether or not it sits on an actual rock and/or how it got that name.

We went to the Cave of the Mounds, which is a local cave, one day back when I was in law school or had just graduated from law school and so was in the phase of my life where I didn't have much money, and at that time I was also in the phase of my life where I was insisting that if my family, who I spoke to back then, wanted to hang out with me they should sometimes make the trip up to Madison, where I lived, from Milwaukee, where they lived.

I had, back then, the same two brothers and a sister that I have now, and my Mom was still alive, and all my nephews and nieces were much younger, and whenever we wanted to get together to do something (which I wanted only rarely at best) they would tell me to drive to Milwaukee.

"It's easier," they'd say, but for who? Not for me.

Once, my younger brother said that it was tougher for all of them to pile into their cars and drive up to us, but I pointed out that individually that was pretty much not true, and that while there were more people coming here than going there, if they came to visit, each person still had more or less the same burden.

So one weekend I put my foot down and they came here and Sweetie and the kids and I and the rest of my side of the family joined together for a trip to the Cave Of The Mounds, a local cave that had been uncovered and set up for touring not far from here, and that trip -- probably 13 or 14 years ago now -- is lost to my memory, too, except for a few things that stick out.

The first thing that sticks out was that the temperature dropped, literally, about 20 degrees while we waited for my family to arrive.  We were out in the parking lot of my apartment, and they were supposed to be there, but they weren't, and while we waited, some sort of cold front moved in and for the only time in my life I could feel the weather changing, as the temperature went from 75 to 55 in just twenty minutes or so.

When I tell people about that, people give me a sort of disbelieving look, as if to say "You're making that up," but why would I make that up?  It's not actually that astonishing, really.  It was weird but not superstrange, as the temperature drops all the time in summer, especially in Wisconsin, and it's not unusual to have a 55 degree day in Wisconsin in June because this state sucks and I wish I lived in Hawaii or at least southern California.

The other thing I remember about that day is that they had a little nook in the cave where they had put Smurfs, which was supposed to be charming -- the guide said something about how they'd broken into this room and "Look what they discovered!" but I didn't like it, because Smurfs don't live underground, and more importantly, I don't think natural wonders of the world need additional cutesy stuff crammed into them.  There's not a giant Nemo swimming over Niagara Falls every twenty minutes, or a huge inflatable singing cactus floating over the Grand Canyon.

Don't get me wrong: I love touristy things. The more touristy, the better.  One of the holes in my life, a spot where I am profoundly sad in my soul and always will be, exists because I have never, not ever, stopped at a "Mystery Spot" in a tourist town, the spot where gravity is fouled up and tourists are suckered.  I've seen them, on vacations and here in the Wisconsin Dells which I drive through as often as I can because if there is something more fun than a street filled with go-karts, upside-down-houses, taffy stores, and the like, I don't know what it is.

And I don't mind that tourist traps are built around natural wonders, like all those water parks that surround the Wisconsin Dells, because once you're done looking at rock formations or a waterfall, it's kind of fun to go to a Planet Hollywood and buy some junk or have a hamburger named after Arnold Schwarzenegger.  (If such a thing exists.  I imagine it would have egg on it.)

(The "Schwarz" would be the burger.)

But to jam the tourist junk into the natural wonder is like advertising on the moon: it seems like a great idea until you get tired of seeing The Real Housewives staring back at you every night for 30 days and begin to pray that the moon crashes into the Earth.

The other thing that I think Sweetie might be confusing with The House On The Rock is The Rock On The House, a briefly-existing awesome tourist trap, of sorts, that we went to once, also back when we were poor.

The Rock On The House was, for a change, exactly what it sounds like.  No whales or gravity inversions or Smurfs, here.  It was, quite simply, a house that had a rock fall on it.

But not just ANY rock, mind you: it was a huge rock.  The house had been built below a bluff way up in Northern Wisconsin, which I think is inside the arctic circle.  The bluff, as I recall, was the kind of bluff that normal people look at and say something like

"No way in heck am I building a house there because what if a rock falls on top of it?"

To which someone else says "What are the odds of a rock falling on it?"

To which people like me say "A whole lot higher than if you did not build it right under that bluff."

And of course a rock fell on the house, a giant rock, maybe 10 or 15 feet tall and about 5 feet wide, which maybe doesn't sound that big to you but trust me: sitting inside the wreckage of a suddenly-small-seeming house, that rock is plenty big.

I like to think -- or rather I try desperately not to think but end up thinking anyway -- about things like a giant rock falling on your house, or the guy who was sitting in his living room and suddenly a truck tire from a freeway a mile away crashed through his living room, or the woman who was watching TV one night and an airplane crashed into her house, all true stories that demonstrate why you're a fool to spend your Saturdays cleaning the garage.  Spend four hours out there sorting out that tub of used washers and deciding that you'd better not throw away those old extension cords because they "may be good for something" and then that night a plane carrying a rock gets hit by a truck tire and smashes into your house and then where are you?

Sweetie and I were poor back then, not just poor-er but poor, really, so little money that we usually took a calculator to the grocery store to make sure we didn't go over our budget, and we were hanging around the house one day, not much to do (because we were poor) and I read about The Rock On The House, which had made the local newspaper because the owner of the house had turned lemons into a poorly-run tourist trap and was charging people a buck to come walk through his now-ruined house.

"Let's go," I said, and Sweetie, possibly because she knows sometimes there's no arguing with me and possibly because she thought I'd said "The House On The Rock" agreed.

We hopped into our car, the little dented Hyundai Elantra that was maroon and which we'd later sell to Oldest Daughter, and drove about three hours, at least, north, up to the part of Wisconsin where there are bluffs and large rivers and coal barges, or at least some kind of barges, and long bridges made of rusty-looking metal and small houses and towns that seem to consist of a village hall, fourteen bars, and an antique store that is only open Thursday afternoons.  It was the kind of town that it's hard to remember exists, let along remember that it exists all over the place, not just in this part of Wisconsin at that time of February.

When we got there, the Rock On The House was... closed.

So to speak.

Nobody was there, and there was no sign that anyone would be there. This was pre-Internet, so we'd gone and driven up north using nothing more than a newspaper and a paper map, and we were sort of bummed out until I said

"Why don't we just go look inside anyway?"

"Can we?" asked Sweetie.

"I don't see why not?" I said.  So we walked up to the house and then around to the side.  It was not hard to see where the rock was or how to get in: that rock had smashed open nearly one-half the house, and it was weirdly thrilling to see this giant rock just sitting in the living room and kitchen of a house that had been crushed like a milk carton under a kid's foot.

There was a place to leave a dollar next to the sign that said the Rock on the House was closed, and the dollars were meant to let you buy a "souvenir," the souvenir being little rocks sitting there.

You could walk through this entire house, now empty of almost everything except cabinets and some crushed furniture, and imagine being in that house when the rock smashed down -- or, as the owner had, coming home to see what had happened, in which case you could imagine how lucky you were to have not been there when the rock smashed down.

We stayed about 10 minutes, walking around, touching the rock, not saying much.

Then we got into the car, stopped at a local convenience store and splurged on some snacks -- for the three-hour drive home.

That was around Valentine's Day, probably 15 or so years ago.  I don't remember much of anything we talked about that day, but I do remember going, and that's the point of doing things like that: to fix a bit of history in your mind, to remember not just days and days and days with the person you love, but to remember specific bits of days.  If I couldn't remember The Rock On The House, I wouldn't remember deciding to splurge on some snacks, or the pleasant six-hour round trip in a warm car with my wife, or the thrilling feeling of trespassing-but-not as we walked through a house smashed into ruin.

So I'd like to take Sweetie to other Rock-and-House-based entertainment, if only to make sure that she and I are both remembering the great times together.

"Nothing Says Fancy Like A Taco": 513 Places I Want To Take Sweetie On A Date (1)

1. A Fancy Chicago Restaurant.

Sweetie and I used to go on dates. Not great dates, all the time, although if you count the time I surprised her with a trip to Puerto Vallarta for Christmas as a date, then the overall average quality of our dates over time goes up quite a bit, with that gift/weeklong date managing, I think, to offset the Sage Taco date and the time I got her drunk on cheap wine and made her sick for a week, which, now that I think about it, might have been the same terrible date, in which case I'm even further ahead than I thought I was.

(The Sage Taco date was when I invited Sweetie to my apartment for a night of "me cooking tacos and us watching a movie I'd rented" and I tried to make the tacos a little fancier -- because nothing says fancy like a taco-- by adding some sage to them, but the little lid came off and dumped all the sage, an entire bottle, onto the meat. I was able to get most of the sage off of the meat by the novel, and definitely never-seen-in-better-restaurants method of "holding a spatula against the meat while I shook the sage into the sink" but the damage was done: the meat was a dusty green color, like blue jeans turned green and converted into ground beef, and while it was edible, it really tasted like nothing so much as a giant pile of sage.)

(And, culinarily speaking, a little sage goes a long, long, long way. A lot of sage makes me wonder, as I think back on this, what it is that Sweetie saw in me.)

So we used to go on dates, but we don't as often go on dates anymore, because we have Mr F and Mr Bunches, who need babysitters that can handle them, and the babysitters we trust to handle them are exclusively not less than 1.2 of the Older Kids, the "1.2" coming in because The Boy we will let babysit them, but we don't relax if he does because The Boy may get wrapped up in watching a "Classic ESPN" matchup from 1974 of the Miami Dolphins versus the Denver Broncos, and consequently forget that his little brothers are in the house, leaving them free to devise ways to destroy things. Oldest we will let babysit them, but we worry that they'll end up sitting next to her in a club downtown, or, worse yet, that she will talk to them about relationships, and so neither of them can babysit the boys alone. Middle we would let babysit the boys alone but Middle can be hard to book these days; she's pretty busy.

Anyway, scheduling concerns aside, we do occasionally go on dates, but those dates lack something in fanciness: They tend to be quicker affairs, and concluded by about 8 p.m. more out of a concern for our ability to stay up later than that than out of any babysitting worries.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to take Sweetie on fancy dates, like to a fancy Chicago restaurant, and I know just the one: The "Next" Restaurant in Chicago, a restaurant I heard about when I was briefly interested in fancy food while I was writing this.

Next Restaurant is one of those newfangled restaurant ideas that ordinarily I would dismiss as a newfangled restaurant idea and then go get myself some McDonald's cheeseburgers, but for some reason(s), and I think I know what it is, Next restaurant stuck in my mind. I'm pretty sure the reason(s) are:

1. It's in Chicago, and I associate Chicago with glamour and fancy dates because Sweetie and I have gone there to see a musical, and we once stayed in a supernice hotel there courtesy of your tax dollars and the U.S. Government hiring me to defend a convict, and also there's the Sears Tower there which we once went up to the observation deck in but we did that during a cloudy day, so all we saw were clouds, which sounds worse than it was: we didn't see Chicago, but we did get a feeling for what it would be like if we went to Heaven and Heaven had high-rise buildings.

2. You have to buy a ticket to get into Next restaurant. "Needing a ticket to get in" pushes some kind of button in my id and makes me want things. The only surer way to get me to want to do something is to offer me a t-shirt for doing it.

Those two things alone make me want to go, and those two things alone make me ignore all the pretentious blither-blather that reviews of the restaurant talk about. Yeah, changing menus blah blah blah blah: It's in Chicago, you need tickets to get in, I'm kind of betting (hoping?) they sell t-shirts in the restaurant. They'd have to, right? What kind of decent restaurant doesn't sell t-shirts nowadays?

So I mentioned to Sweetie, not long ago, that at some point, I wanted to take her there for dinner.

"No." Said Sweetie.

"Is it because it's in Chicago?" I asked.

"Yes." said Sweetie, possibly remembering the time we had to drive down there for court and the traffic made me nearly 1 1/2 hours late for court and I was freaking out because you do not be 1 1/2 hours late for the Seventh Circuit Court Of Appeals, and it was astounding that I could have left an extra hour of travel time and still be 1 1/2 hours late for court, and I was only saved because one of the judges was caught in the same chaotically bad traffic jam that I was in.

Sweetie has a bad association with Chicago after that time, because I am not a good person when I'm freaking out.

(I swear a lot.)

(A lot.)

Sweetie also does not like to be very far away from the twins right now, which is her more-real opposition to going to Chicago, which is (at last count) about 1 1/2 hours from us, and that's a long ways to be from the house when we get calls, like this actual call we got once from the Older Kids, who were babysitting then-much-younger twins -- all three of them were babysitting Mr F and Mr Bunches when we got this call during the previews for our movie:

Me: Hello?

Middle: [on phone]: We can't change the boys.

Me: ....

Middle: Hello?

Me: What do you mean?

Middle: [The Boy] is trying to hold Mr F down and I'm trying to change his diaper but we can't do it.

Me: ...

Me: They're one.

Middle: I know. [Background noise of The Boy yelling for Oldest to help him.]

Me: They're one. You're grown-ups.

Middle: They're very strong.

Me: I'm going to go now.

But Sweetie insisted that I finish the call and give them tips on changing a one-year-old's diaper, and so I did, because the alternative was that Sweetie was going to go home and supervise, and I wanted to see the movie. But there's always the chance that if we go out to dinner... in Chicago... we'll get a call that's even more incomprehensible (less comprehensible?)(Both?) than that, and Sweetie will make me go home and we wouldn't even have time to get a t-shirt.