As An Award-Winning Poet, I Stand For Everything That's The Opposite of Library Fraud. Sort Of. (I Fought The Library, 3)

I am fighting the library over their claim that I did not return two DVDs, and I intend to win. Part 1 of this is here;

Part 2 is here.

First of all, I have to point out to "Anonymous" that (a) I didn't actually commit library fraud, and (b) thanks for remembering that I got an honorable mention in the States Viar Poetry Award, as well as winning it. I still put that award on my resume, so it's nice to have it noticed.

I only thought about committing library fraud, but then decided against it and was going to commit library truth, or whatever the opposite of library fraud is, only Sweetie didn't have a pen in her car, so it's really her fault.

Anyway, having not returned the DVDs on Saturday (opting instead to enjoy a pleasant time at the playground), I went into the office on Sunday, where I got two shocks. First, my library account says I owe $26! Twenty-six bucks! For what?

Then, shock number two, was this email from The Library Director:

Hello,

I checked into these two DVDs and found out why they are still listed on your record.
1. Baby Einstein, Meet the Orchestra was returned with the Baby Einstein, Baby Shakespeare DVD in the case. Plus, most of the cover, the barcode and labels were missing from the Baby Einstein, Meet the Orchestra case - in fact, the case was not even a library case. It has not been removed from your record, because you will be charged for the entire item, until the correct CD is returned.
2. Baby Einstein, Baby Galileo is still listed as checked out to you
- do you have another Baby Einstein DVD at home?

Please let me know if you have another Baby Einstein DVD.
If you have any questions, please call the Circulation Desk at Middleton Public Library... or email me at the email listed above.

Thank you,
Elizabeth I. Bauer
Head of Circulation Services
Middleton Public Library

Which email really threw me for a loop, because it meant that if she was right, we still had "Meet the Orchestra" somewhere in our house and I couldn't put it past them to have figured out a way to keep that and secretly watch it when I'm not paying attention. Which is the bulk of the time, according to Sweetie, who complains that I don't pay attention and thus the Babies! end up pantsless and running around when The Boy brings his newly-acquired girlfriend home on Saturday night to meet his brothers, only to be confronted with the sight of two naked Babies! running amuck.

As I pointed out to Sweetie and The Boy, though: First, I was paying attention: I'd stripped them down for their bath, which was going to take place at some point in the future, and then gotten distracted, and second, for Pete's sake, why not call home first when you're bringing a girl over so that she doesn't get confronted by naked Babies! and me cleaning out the garbage disposal?

I responded with this:

Thanks for getting back to me.
I found out when I got home that the Baby Galileo DVD had not been returned, and will return that, probably Monday.
I'll check for Baby Shakespeare.
I apologize about the covers; is there a charge for that? We try to keep them from the boys, but I'm not very successful about that. I do have the original case for "Meet The Orchestra," sans cover.

I haven't heard back from her yet. Then I went home and went through every DVD case in the house to see if "Meet the Orchestra" was there, and it's not. I even looked behind the Babies!' dresser, and under Mr F's bed, and found nothing. Well, not nothing; I found a half a book that had been torn apart, and a little wooden guy that Mr Bunches likes to play with, and a golf ball.

But nothing of use in this battle.

So my latest plan is this: Go to the library. Check their DVD rack. See if "Meet The Orchestra" is on the DVD rack. If it is, yell A-HA! and triumphantly take it up front.

If it's not, time for plan D. I'm not sure what that will entail yet. But it will be a grand scheme.