I can't stop listening to this song. (The Greatest Thing In The World, EVER!, 6)

I began today listening to "Sweet Talk, Sweet Talk" by The New Pornographers and then slowly moved into The Airborne Toxic Event and then I found this song and now I can't stop listening to it.




What's weird is that the second line is "I've had my mind wrapped around this one song."

I think I've just been hypnotized.

The first 1,000 buyers get a kiss from Sexy Cop...

... or an Angel, if you'd like.

Santa, Godzilla and Jesus Walk Into A Bar...

is now available as an eBook on your Kindle, for just $0.99.

I know, I know: You're thinking "Why would I pay ninety-nine cents for something I could read for free on your blog?"

What? You weren't thinking that? You were still stuck on that kiss from Sexy Cop or the Angel? Let's move on, here.

Here's 5 reasons why you'd pay $0.99 for an ebook you already read for free on my blog:

1. If you download it to your Kindle, you can read it on the subway and that cute girl, the one with the glasses that make her look all smart/sexy, will notice you reading it and think you're hip and strike up a conversation.

2. It gives you a perfectly legitimate reason for typing "Godzilla" into the search bar of your Kindle, as opposed to all those other times when you did it just to see what came up.

3. It'll irritate your husband/wife/Republicans/Democrats/that jerk neighbor with his dog who's always cutting across your lawn. (Choose one or more.) I don't know how it will irritate them, but it will. Take my word for it.

4. In the e-book version, it's easier to picture the Angel and Sexy Cop looking like whoever it is you're currently all hung up on and fantasizing about.

5. I've deleted the posts off my blog so you can't read them for free anymore, and you're going to want to re-read this story about a zillion times, right?


PLUS! A SPECIAL BONUS REASON FOR WHY YOU SHOULD GO DOWNLOAD THIS BOOK!

6. Because I thought we were friends, man. I thought we meant something to each other. I'd totally do it for you. You know, if I could have a million dollars, or the chance to buy your book for $0.99 on my Kindle, I would totally pick buy your book for $0.99 on the Kindle.

No, wait. That's stupid. I would take the million dollars and then I would buy two of your books. Maybe three. That's what kind of guy I am. So you millionaires reading this blog, go buy three copies of my book on the Kindle. The rest of you, buy one, will you? Or at least go give it a good review. Because I'm also going to do this: If you go review my book -- you don't even have to buy it, and you don't have to give it a good review -- I will enter your name in a drawing to get a signed copy of the proof version of the hardcover (which isn't even available yet.) I'll hold that open for about 30 days to give you a chance, even though you could go do it right now.

That's Boss-level stuff, there: An original, demo copy signed by me. And it'll carry an inspiring quote, like "Chase your dreams" or "What's black and white and red all over?"*, to boot.

So:

Go buy the book on your Kindle.

Or click here to go leave a review of "Santa, Godzilla, and Jesus Walk Into A Bar..."

Or just Kindle it up. I'm trying to make that a verb: Kindle. Work with me, here.



*A communist penguin, that's what.

Thanks for wishing the Shaw Twins Merry Christmas!

All these people wished Mateo and McHale Shaw a Merry Christmas...

Andrew Leon, who blogs at Strange Pegs and who wrote The House On The Corner, which you can buy here.

Devin Pena, who is Kora's father, an activist, and a blogger: Follow him on Twitter here, and read ab0ut his efforts to open the Chop Wood Carry Water Retreat here.

J.L. Campbell, who blogs at The Character Depot, and who writes romantic suspense, women's fiction, and YA. Her latest, Don't Get Mad... Get Even is available here.

Claire Lachance, who blogs at Claire Lachance: Writer, Nurse, Mom...,

Author Rusty Webb, who blogs at The Blutonian Death Egg. Buy his incredible book A Dead God's Wrath here.

Author Michael Offutt; Go click "to-read" on his upcoming sci-fi book "Slipstream."

Author Patrick Dilloway. Go buy his awesome book "Where You Belong," and give it to someone as a gift. And buy one for yourself.

...but only one gets $20 in an Amazon Gift card. The winner was chosen by assigning each person a number (from top to bottom, 1-7) and going to Random.org, where the random number was:

4.

Which is Claire LaChance. Claire, Click here to email me the address you'd like it sent to!

"Twenty Four Hours Of Pizza": A tale of love, betrayal, patriotism,guilt, innocence, Higgs Bosons, intrigue, and, above all, LEFTOVER PIZZA!

Yesterday, on Twitter, Michael Offutt declared that he would never believe that there is leftover pizza in my house without photographic proof.

As it happens, Sweetie had a meeting with the boys' teachers yesterday, and they ordered in pizza. So there was an entire pizza waiting when I got home from work. Let's see what happens!

Later...

A little later...

*See FOOTNOTE!

Still later...

Still later...

Hey, what's that? But wait... there's more!

Later...

Later...

The Sweet Taste Of Victory... and LEFTOVER PIZZA!

*FOOTNOTE: The trip to McDonald's was after the health club. It was a reward for Mr Bunches, who (the health club playroom reported) had done "really well" sharing a puzzle with another kid. So when I said "Where should we go as a reward for good sharing?" Mr Bunches said: "Krabby Patties."**

**That is what he calls McDonald's.

SUPERXmas! A Quick Update!

And in no particular order, which is just great for you, because it means my ramblings will make less sense than ever.

I have, of course, continued SUPERXmas! even though I've spent most of my time blogging, and so I'm going to do a quick update here using pictures and, of course, words, because words are my first-favorite way to say things.

So here goes:

My toaster is insufficiently cool, is but one of the things I learned while doing Xmas Shopping Round One, when Mr Bunches and I wandered into the small appliance aisles and saw toasters that are way cooler than the one we've got. I particularly liked the purple one, but the red one would probably get more girls if you're a single guy.


Mr F is not asleep here. He's reading a book he wanted to buy. That's on the same trip, which was (I think) Monday the 14th, when we picked up 90% of the presents that we still had to get including the present that we got which made us get another present: If you look at the cart, you'll see Shark Attack Hot Wheels on the bottom, which is a present Mr Bunches wanted very much.






We took a chance and bought it for him despite the fact that he was there on the trip, because he was on my shoulders and couldn't see the cart, but he noticed the Hot Wheels set on the way home and then just kept saying "Shark Attack Hot Wheels?!" in a hopeful, pleading voice over and over until we gave in and let him play with it, so we had to go back out and get him a new Xmas present.

Also: They had these.

This is really not Xmas related at all. Mr F fell was sitting on his dresser reading and he fell asleep. I thought it was cute, especially because he was wearing his Crocs.

Here's a turkey a client gave me as a thank you for being an awesome lawyer. So I get poultry for doing this.

This is the black-and-white photo of a Christmas tree that goes with a "My Daily Walk" post a while back when I couldn't post my photos. Yes, Rusty: You should take pictures while you walk. I do it because (a) I love pictures almost as much as I love words and (b) it makes you really look at things around you if you're trying to find interesting photos.

I liked that you could see how big the actual toy was, and that they had "boulders" in quotes so that nobody would sue them when the toy wouldn't eat actual boulders.

Last Thursday, we got to go with Mr Bunches to his school and make Gingerbread houses. Mr Bunches picked out all his decorations and did almost all the frosting himself, and then put all the decorations on himself. His was the best in the class. Sorry, other parents. It's true. And I'll explain why.

Because he used the stars like this, without any prompting from me or Sweetie, and he was the only kid in the class to do that. Genius? Or supergenius? You don't have to sell me on Mr Bunches. I'm buying.

Two ornaments on Xmas Shopping Round Two caught my eye because I can't imagine who wants to hang a Bud Light can on their Christmas tree, and is this actually better than just hanging a real Bud Light can on your tree?




And then for the life of me I couldn't figure out why they chose The Man In Black as the song this ornament plays. Johnny sang Christmas songs, you know. I remember my dad playing Johnny's Christmas album. Go Tell It On The Mountain is a classic.



Here, by the way, is Mr Bunches at the outset of the Gingerbread House project.





This is my niece on Saturday, trying on the princess dress and feather boa we gave her for Christmas. The dress was one of four things she asked for, the other three things being (1) high heeled shoes (2) a chainsaw and (3) a gun.

The feather boa was Sweetie's idea.








This is a Narnian door from one of my walks where I couldn't post the pictures.






Here are some more pictures from Christmas at my sister-in-law's. They show people standing around and playing,












and other people standing around and playing,












and then some more of that.








This was from two photos I posted on Twitter after which I was accused of having killed my kids with too much shopping. Mr Bunches hit the floor first. Mr F joined him, I think because he was jealous that Mr Bunches got to lay down in public and he didn't.




Here's Mr F, Chair Pioneer. Again, not really Christmas-y, but so what?










Decorating the tree! We began with the star, because Mr Bunches was excited about putting that on.





Then we laid out the supplies, the supplies being "candy" and "the tree." This was the year I finally realized "it's stupid to take apart this tree and then put it back together again next year," and so this year I am not taking the tree apart. I'm going to bag it and put it in the garage, fully assembled/lit because I hate assembling and putting lights on the tree, so this is it for me.


Gravity was much stronger this Xmas than past Xmases.

And that's the update for now. I've got other pictures but other things to do, so you'll have to wait for a picture of the completed tree.

Prior Days:

One: Putting up the yard decorations

Two: Making a Christmas list

Three: Sleep, Actually

Four: How to make popsicle stick (SUPER)Xmas trees, in 437 easy steps.

5 & 6: It's a SUPERXmas! Miracle.

Day 7: Santa, Babies.

Day 8: When Christmas was corykilverty

Day 9: Mr Bunches covers Katy Perry

Day 10: I'm sorry about that homemade gift I gave you.

Day 11: Here are some pictures of some things.

12 & 13: The year without a Bad Santa, and my office Xmas party.

Day 14: A pizza coupon at the start, a Candy Cane Blizzard at the end (PHOTO ESSAY!)

Day 15: The state holiday, or Christmas, or whatever tree.