This is what all of human civilization has been building towards.

I walked on the treadmill the other day and burned 110 calories.
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

I was just sitting down to start working on a book I've been writing -- don't get too excited, it's a litigation guide to the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, which I'm sure will someday be made into a movie starring Vince Vaughn -- and I paused to read some stuff over on GawkerEtc.  That's when my world came crashing to a halt because I learned something existed. I saw this headline:

Ben & Jerry's Just Released Cookie Butter Core Ice Cream

which of course had all the major items in it needed to make me click on it.  Keep in mind that I haven't even read the news yet today. For all I know we are at war.  For all I know we are at war but it's not important because that hole in the sun that just opened up is sucking us in and the world be incinerated before noon.  For all I know... you get the point.

Keep in mind, also, that I was supposed to start working, but I saw that headline, and had to click on it and then learned that, yep, 99% of the information I would ever need as a human adult was contained in that headline.

The missing 1% remained to be confirmed, though, because I did not yet know exactly what "cookie butter" was, but my worst fears/most fevered imaginings were confirmed when I read:

For those of you who have never had cookie butter, it's a spread composed of mashed up cookies, and as unbelievable as this is going to sound, it's actually better than that description implies. 

Now, I am a guy who knows food. Just the other day, I had a bologna-hamburger that was delicious, and I pioneered the concept of "24 Hours Of Pizza." But today, I bow down to the genius who thought of mashing up cookies into a spread.  Screw jetpacks. We've made it as a civilization.