Sunday, May 29, 2011

1001 Ways To Tune Up The World, Number Seventy-Seven

77. Directional lanes in grocery stores.

As I've noted, not all of these are going to be earth-shattering suggestions. (Actually, an 'earth-shattering' suggestion would be a horrible way to improve the world; who wants to live on a shattered planet, made up of little fragments of Earth blown apart but still orbiting more or less synchronously, with each fragment developing its own culture and weapons and identities, until one day, a hero rises to try to unite the various pieces into one planet... read Shattered Earths, the new sci-fi series I'll start writing just after I finish this.)

Whew! I'm full of awesome ideas today, like that one, and like this idea I just had: "Make sure that at least one of the Earth Fragments has dinosaurs, because why not?" and like directional lanes in grocery stores, which are necessary because I'm tired of people cutting me off, and I'm sure that people are tired of me cutting them off with my giant cart and twins riding in the cart or on my shoulders or walking behind me or, as happened last Thursday, me pushing a giant cart while Mr Bunches stubbornly insists that we go directly to the cereal aisle so he can get Crunch Berries, while Mr F tries to instead go get a bottle of water because he'd really like an opportunity to begin spilling the water earlier on in our trip, making it clear why the first version of this Way was "Give me my own private grocery store," but I abandoned that as a little impractical (just a little...), and went with this.

Grocery shopping would be a lot less annoying if we'd all just agree that we're going to, say, stick to the right, and shop only on that side, and then if we want something from the other side of the aisle, we'd go the other way (if it's crowded). It would also give us the advance-knowledge that when both me and Lady Who Clearly Came Straight From The Office And Just Wants To Get Home both enter the macaroni aisle, we'll each go to our right and that way will not almost collide with our carts in the middle of the aisle, unsure which way either of us wants to go, and I will not then get a dirty look from Lady, Etc...

... Lady Etc would be a great name for a Lady GaGa cover artist...

...see? I'm just erupting with ideas today.

... even though she obviously had no right to feel as though I was wrong because society has not (yet) decided which side of a grocery store aisle one is to walk on, and so I had no obligation to go right, or left, or any direction, so why did she assume that she was correct and I wasn't?

This is clearly a situation that needs solving, and I have just as clearly solved it. From here on out, marked or unmarked, we stick to the right in grocery store aisles, just we do when driving.

At least, that is, we stick to the right when people are around... just as we do when driving.

Comic is from NATALIE DEE
. She makes her living through her comics & selling t-shirts, so if you enjoyed the comic, go read more of hers and go buy some of her hilarious t-shirts.
Prior entries:

13. Ban driving any kind of automobile, motorcycle or other personal vehicle within 1-2 miles of downtown in any city with a population of more than 100,000.

12. Abolish gym class; instead, teach kids to play musical instruments.

11. Change copyright laws to allow anyone to use anyone else's creative work provided that the copier pay 60% of the profit to the originator and that the copier not cast the original work in a negative light.

10. Have more sidewalk cafes and outdoor seating.

9. When you have to give someone a gift, ask them what they want, and then get that thing for them.

8. Never interrupt or finish someone's jokes.

7. Periodically, give up something you like for at least a month.

6. Switch to "E-money."

5. Have each person assigned one phone number, and then add an extension for the various phones and faxes that person might be reached at.

4. Abolish Mondays and Tuesdays.

3. Don't listen to interviews with athletes or comedians.

2. Have "personal cashiers" at the grocery store.

1. Don't earn more than $200,000 per year.

Is this working? You bet --

1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


1001 Ways helped change the world here, too!


Rogue Mutt said...

I just wish they'd have signs at the U-scan dealies saying if you're supposed to form one line or two. I've run into that problem a number of times. Also, a sign to tell people to stay back at least 10 feet when I'm using the f-ing U-scan instead of trying to run their stuff through if I turn away to fix my bags or shove stuff down the conveyor!

anna. said...

1. natalie dee is from columbus, ohio - just like me.
2. directional grocery aisles = good idea.
3. if history repeats itself, i'm definitely getting a dinosaur.