Friday, September 16, 2011

A long time ago, in a coffee shop far, far away... (Friday's Sunday's Poem/Hot Actress)

As a special treat, here are Star Wars Poetry slams:


About the poems: I wanted to see if there was any Star Wars poetry out there, because even I am not immune to Mandatory Star Wars references, and there is, and it's terrible. So in saying that the Star Wars poetry slams are a treat, I'm obviously using "treat" very loosely, as not only are all the Star Wars poems terrible, but "slam" poetry is always terrible, too, so this has been one giant post of suckitude. I should've stuck with Twinkies.

Also, that second one is way more like a rap than a poem, and even as I typed that I realized that I didn't really know what the difference between the two would be.

But there's also a Star Wars beat box:

And we're pretty far beyond poetry, now, and I don't even know why I bothered with this post, as it'll probably turn you off poetry, which is kind of the opposite of the whole idea for these things, so let's finish up with the Hot Actress of the week. Sweetie has decreed that the Hot Actress be Minka Kelly:

I'm not sure who she is or what she does. Sweetie's the expert on things like that. That picture comes from The Superficial because there are nutjob hackers out there who use celebrity searches to infect people's computers with viruses and for some reason we don't lock them away with the rapists to teach them not to mess up people's laptops, so I'm only going to trademark-infringe my celebrity photos from reputable sites from now on.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

TWINKIE WATCH: Five days and counting.

Many (three) of you have expressed concern at the thought of my eating a 100-day-old Twinkie, with the level of concern best being expressed by reader Anna, who said:

"should i call a local news station to cover it in case something crazy happens?"
Anna is a woman after my own heart: In the face of (potentially) certain doom, her first thought is "publicize it!" (Her second thought is: "i have a toilet in my apartment.").

But I am nothing if not devoted to my readers/looking for ways to fill this space until I eat... that... Twinkie... and since the internet yesterday was completely unhelpful in terms of actually providing me information about what harm can befall a human from eating a 100-days-old mummified Twinkie (thereby proving what I said back in 1997: "This internet thing isn't going to stick around") I thought I would do what I do best, which is waste time.

That is, I mean, actually gather information. Which is why I today have gone to the greatest source of information humanity has ever come up with:

Yahoo! Answers.

(You thought I was going to say Stephen Baldwin, didn't you?)

I have this morning posted this actual question actually online for actual people to actually answer:

Note: Those pictures aren't on the actual page where my question is posted. I put those pictures in to spice up an otherwise-boring screen cap. If "lemurs and laughing presidents" doesn't spice up a picture, I don't know what does.

I would link to the actual page my question is on, but I can't seem to find it; it's buried in the gamut of questions under "Questions in Other-Food & Drink," where my fellow askers have asked such burning questions as "Skittles v. Starburst?" (Results are about even.) Other questions in that category are:

"Ate an entire Chipotle burrito... and still hungry?" (Which adds, as this additional detail to help you answer the question: "had hotpot like half an hour later, something fishy is going on with my body.") (My favorite answer to that question: "Drink a gallon of water.")(That's probably that guy's answer to every problem, the way my Mom's answer to any health question was "Drink a glass of milk." Mom prescribed milk for everything from sore feet to monkeypox.)

But by far my favorite question is this, which I will repeat verbatim:

I don't even know where to begin, other than I burst out laughing when I read it. It's like the questioner is having an existential crisis over whether he or she really does like pie -- is it right to like pie? Would Schrodinger have liked pie? Before he opened the box, or after, or both? Does pie like me? Maybe just as a friend, but we could build on that?

That is so good it deserves to be on a t-shirt.

And it is, now:

So. Not even 10 o'clock yet and I have managed to create an entire t-shirt and lose a question. This might be the single most productive day of my career.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Here is a picture of The Twinkie:

And Control Group posing in front of an actual cassette tape of the soundtrack from Armageddon, a tape that Sweetie bought in Buffalo, New York, on our honeymoon, and I posed the Twinkie in front of that tape because:

1. I'm really out of ideas to pose the Twinkie in front of. I thought about taking the Twinkie with me to various places -- court, attorney meetings, giving the twins a bath, parent-teacher night -- and taking pictures of it, but that seems like a bad idea, and

2. Having resolved that I'm going to eat the Twinkie next week, I now can begin planning for what might be the grandest/most ridiculous way to die/get a couple days off of work/get really grossed out, and hype it even more than I otherwise might have by comparing my eating the Twinkie to other famously emotional over-the-top scenes, like when Bruce Willis pushed Ben Affleck back into the elevator shaft that space shuttles definitely don't have and went out himself to ...

... what was he doing? Manually detonating the bomb? Manually drilling? I forget. But anyway, it was heroic, and my being ready to eat the Twinkie is similarly heroic.

Out of curiosity, too, I decided to begin investigating whether anything really can go wrong by eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days, doing so the way everyone proves everything: By googling it.

Asking Google the question "Can anything really go wrong by eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days?" gets you a article that completely fails to answer that question but does claim that Twinkies have a shelf-life of 25 days, something I've pretty conclusively proven wrong:

The answer to my question, then is "No, nothing can go wrong from eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days." Because if the answer isn't on Google, it doesn't exist.

Which ought not to downplay the serious danger I'll be in when I make that sacrifice and eat the Twinkie next week. Just because nothing can go wrong doesn't mean what I'm doing isn't incredibly heroic and brave. So imagine me, a week from today, eating the Twinkie while accompanied by this song:

Want to track back through this piece? Day 84 here