Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Words translated to Latin sound like Vulcan names. (I Get Paid For Doing This)

I have nothing in the office refrigerator -- but I greatly admire the ongoing efforts of the Refrigerator Police to establish rules for the use of the Office Refrigerator. That note at right is posted on the door today. It is, by my count, the 1,738th attempt to get people to not simply let their stuff rot in the refrigerator.

Every time I see one of these, I wonder: who brings food to the office and then forgets it? Or is it more subtle? Are they doing it on purpose? Is it a passive-aggressive way of protesting some office policy?

But this memo, I particularly admired because this is, after all, a law office, and this memo makes very clear the criteria which will be considered for throwing out rotting food -- whether it looks suspect, smells suspect, or is "clearly no longer fresh for consumption," that last being the Refrigerator Memo equivalent of a clause intended to avoid the legal doctrine of inclusio unius exclusio alterius -- literally, "the inclusion of one excludes all those things not named."

Via that clause, all users of the Office Refrigerator are put on notice, via that little clause, that even if your food neither looks nor smells suspect, it may, in the discretion of the Memo Writer, be thrown out, but to save us from the tyranny of an unknown person, there is a limit on the exercise of that discretion: the food must "clearly be no longer fresh for consumption," and the use of that clearly indicates that there is an objective standard implied here -- that the so-called "reasonable person" must agree that the food would be such as to be no longer fresh for consumption.

And, with that, you've just saved yourself about three weeks in law school.

Having wasted 10 minutes taking that photo and now posting this, I'll waste a little more and give you the Latin for the clause in question; it was a sad day when lawyers stopped speaking Latin -- not just because it sounds better, but because it's easier to charge $265 an hour for what I do if I then tell you what I'm doing in a dead language.

See what I mean with this:

Ullus items ut vultus suspectus, nidor suspectus, vel es videlicet haud diutius.

I think it would be a great thing if some movie had, as a villain, "Videlicet Haud Diutius," with his henchman, Vultus Suspectus and Nidor Suspectus.

As a final note, I wonder if it was a stylistic choice to not underline the final exclamation point?

Plus, I still kind of think she would smell like salami. (Why I Hate People)

Before she got married in an extravaganza that was actually a not-so-subtly-coded message to America*

*the message being "F*** you, America, here's what I'm doing with the money you give me

Kim Kardashian took a "family retreat" to Bora Bora.

Where she complained that her bungalow was "too hot" and had "too many flowers."

Here's what Kim was complaining about, taken from the website for this resort that for some reason our society lets people go to and still come back here and be treated like people:

Enjoy views of the lagoon from your private water-side balcony or relax in your king canopy bed and watch Bora Bora's exotic marine life float past the glass floor-viewing panels. Unwind in the Italian marble bathroom or stay entertained in the separate seating area with satellite TV and high-speed internet access.

You need that TV and internet in case the exotic tropical beauty outside gets too boring and you just have to find out what's going on with other "celebrities."

While Kim Kardashian was complaining that her at-least-$1,000-per-night hotel bungalow was just too luxurious, she also was wearing a pair of earrings that cost $150,000.

Or so I gather -- because when she went out to go swimming, wearing the earrings, she was tossed in the water by her fake, for-publicity-reasons-only husband, and immediately started crying that she'd lost an earring worth $75,000.

Kim Kardashian, mind you, gets all of her money because you give it to her willingly, and you give it to her willingly just so you can watch her do stuff with your money.

That's what a reality show is: When you buy "Dash" clothes or watch a reality show or buy Kim's sex tape, you're giving her your money, and then you tune in to see what she does with it.

And what she does with it is exactly what you'd expect of a woman who became famous for getting pee'd on: She complains that things are too luxurious and blows $150,000 on earrings.

Kim Kardashian, when she's not letting her STDs seep into the ocean by Bora Bora, lives in West Hollywood, California.

One in 20 people living in West Hollywood make less than half the federal poverty rate. There are 34,399 people living in West Hollywood. Which means that 1,719 people living in Kim Kardashian's neighborhood make less than $11,000 for a family of four.* That is, 1,179 people in Kim Kardashian's city earn about $211 per week.

*The federal poverty level is about $22,000 for a family of four.

Kim Kardashian spent the equivalent of five weeks' pay each night she stayed in Bora Bora, and a more than a lifetime of money for that same family on her $150,000 earrings.

And complained about it.

And she did it with your money.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Even I am a little surprised just how mad I STILL am about this. (My Enemies List, 11)

I can't believe it's been over 8 months since I've added to this, but I've got a new one.

Sunday, I was heading downtown to my office, the boys in the back, for a little busywork before we went to play golf. To get to my office, I have to drive past State Street, a pedestrian mall. I could see, approaching the intersection, that there were a lot of people on each side of the street waiting to cross my road, which was very light on traffic -- I was the only car for about a block.

I could also see I had the green light.

Nevertheless, the groups of people on each side of the intersection hit that critical mass where pedestrians just decide to go, figuring at least 90% of them will make it even if I'm homicidal, and they all started walking.

That's not who I'm adding to the list, though -- that would be too easy, just adding all those jerks who crossed against the light and could't wait 3 seconds until my car went through.

No, I'm adding one specific person to the list. I'll call her:

Lady who knew what she was doing was wrong, but
tried to justify it via a weird look on her face.

As that name implies, there was one lady, in the middle-to-back of the pack, who started crossing, with her boyfriend or husband, and she looked at the Don't Walk signal, and the green light, and then looked at me, made a sort of weird apologetic look, and kind of shrugged and held up her hand.

That did not help. It made it worse. I don't know what the look/shrug/hand was supposed to communicate -- something like "Gosh, I really have to just do this even though I shouldn't, so don't blame me because I'm at least cognizant of what the problem is here," I suspect -- but what the look actually communicated was a kind of smug false humility; by trying to tell me she knew what she was doing was wrong but she had to for some reason do it anyway -- society? peer pressure? time constraints? Something made her go -- this lady actually made herself worse in my eyes.

It's one thing to just be callously self-involved to the point of ignoring traffic and rules for no reason, to get three seconds ahead of the game and just go about your business.

It's another thing, entirely, to do that, but to also call attention to the fact that you're doing it and to try to justify it -- instead of, say, taking a stand and staying on the sidewalk. Breaking the rules isn't okay just because other people do it, and isn't okay if you acknowledge you're doing it.

I bet that lady eats grapes in the produce aisle and justifies it by saying that they're overpriced anyway. I bet she stole her neighbor's paper, on more than one occasion. I bet she doesn't vote because she figures it won't matter. She is, in short, the type of selfish person I despise, but worse, because she knows it but tries to get around it by claiming there's a reason for her selfishness.

She's that type of person.

So, no, lady. I don't understand. I don't forgive you. I'm still mad almost two days later, mad mostly because you made it clear that you knew you were inconveniencing me. You're the worst one of the bunch and you just made the enemies list.

Other People Who've Already Made My Enemies List:

1. People who honk their horn.

2. Pepperoni pizza.

3. The 2008 Detroit Lions.

4. The guy who programmed my cell phone camera, etc. etc....

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