Tuesday, September 20, 2011

TWINKIE WATCH DAY ZERO!


Or however the numbering is supposed to go. My countdown to the left there was a little off (I blame the Mayans) but today is definitely The Day I Eat The Twinkie. When I leave work today, I will be carrying the Twinkie in a specially-prepared briefcase (my usual briefcase with the Twinkie in it) to my house, where, with Sweetie's help, I will obtain actual videotape of me eating the Twinkie.

Sweetie has promised to help me, and I'm holding her to it because if she doesn't, I won't set my alarm and she'll miss her yoga class tomorrow morning.

This, of course, is not without its risks, as I've explained before, and those risks got riskier because I can't find my question on Yahoo! Answers. And here I was counting on the good people who read Yahoo! (who is that, exactly?) to help me decide just how much risk I'm at, because outside of that, all I've got to go on is Michael Offutt's probably-definitely-accurate scientific assessment:

It could have deadly flesh-eating bacteria on it that don't eat the twinkie because the twinkie is not made from flesh. But as soon as you eat it, your lips will dissolve, followed by your tongue. Twinkie is not worth it. Think of your children.

Michael is an author and also always right about things judging by the fact that he says I have cute kids, so I do not lightly ignore his opinions the way I lightly ignore my cardiologist's opinions.

But Yahoo! let me down, and the Internet as a whole is far too concerned with whether Netflix is behind George Lucas making Darth Vader have sex with an Ewok, so I was left with only one possible solution:

Ask a "real" doctor.

And by "real" doctor, I mean "a doctor who is probably not real at all."

So I looked up three doctors who I recalled as probably having existed, and they are:

Dr. Oz, who, as I understand it, became a doctor upon returning home in that balloon, and

Dr. Phil, who is my mother-in-law's favorite doctor when she's not watching FOX News, which is the reason I only talk about cooking with my mother-in-law, and

"Dr. and The Medics," who you will likely recognize as the band that did the mid-80s update to the great song "Spirit In The Sky."





Doctor and the Medics might be the most qualified of all, having also covered "Waterloo" on a Scandinavian TV show in a video I have difficulty stopping watching:






Those are my chosen medical experts, and I will be contacting them-- the first two via Twitter and the latter via the contact us tab on their website -- shortly after I post this to ask them whether any harm could come of my eating the Twinkie -- and, with that, I can definitely say that I'm doing this under medical supervision and my insurance should probably cover any side effects that might occur, except for superpowers which, *fingers crossed* I'm still hoping might be something that comes of this.

3 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

Since you're a lawyer I'm sure you've already got your will ready.

It was nice knowin' ya!

anna. said...

here's hoping you didn't die today ( :

Michael Offutt said...

I stand by my assessment. Twinkie is dangerous at this point and the risk is not worth it. According to Snopes, the Twinkie has a shelf life of approximately 25-days. After that, it essentially begins to spoil. So by eating the twinkie...all that you are doing is eating spoiled food.

Yes...people can eat spoiled food and it usually will not make them sick (unless riddled with botulism). The thing is...why take the chance? Your twinkie is spoiled. It's proven that other people out there have eaten spoiled food and lived. I can tell you without even eating the twinkie that it isn't going to taste good. So are you just testing to see if it is edible? Yes...spoiled food is edible. It just doesn't taste good.