Speaking of going to Hell, Mother Jones drops the ball on their "Football Expose" (Nonsportsmanlike Conduct!)

Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! used to be its own blog, then it was a feature on another blog but I'm condensing my universe into just three blogs now, so everything that I write that's new will appear here  or on lit, and everything I wrote that's old will be on Me, Annotated.

One of my longstanding themes in talking about sports -- football, anyway -- is how awful the owners are, and how awful rich people are in general. And so when I saw this Tweet from Mother Jones:

We matrix-ified NFL owners based on their political giving and their relative assholery: http://t.co/WXABnOw8K8
— Mother Jones (@MotherJones) September 16, 2013

I couldn't help but look, and found THIS:

Which is INCREDIBLE.  Even if they did get some stuff wrong.

The highlights, and a few thoughts on things from me:

They rank Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti as a 'keep 'em', which demonstrates just how you're grading on a curve when you talk about the rich.  The article notes that Bisciotti ripped his employees out of more than million in back pay, having to get sued to get it, and seems complimentary about how Steve flies his buddies in to watch games on a private jet.

It costs about $5,400 per hour to fly a private jet. Or 744 times the federal minimum hourly wage.

Ralph Wilson, owner of my semi-beloved Bills, is ranked lower than Steve ItalianCookie, even though Wilson, whose franchise is worth $909,000,000 (he bought the team for $25,000, and before you say "Well, that's 1959," keep in mind that $25,000 in 1959 is equal to $200,000 today, so Wilson's Bills -- the awfulest team in the league! -- are worth 4,545 times what he paid for them, in real dollars), got Erie County, Buffalo, to pick up most of the cost of his private stadium. Buffalo has a 9.7% unemployment rate and 1/2 the people living in Buffalo make under $27,000 per year.  If I were part of the stupid #BILLSMAFIA I'd burn the stadium to the ground.  People who decry socialism in health care need to wonder why tax dollars can pay for stadiums but not dialysis.

Pat Bowlen, another keep 'em on the Broncos, is lauded for making sure it's the "fans' team." Bowlen, worth $1,000,000,000, raised their ticket prices two years in a row. The lowest price now is $45 for terrible seats. That's only two hours' pay for the average worker in Denver -- where the average hourly wage is a seemingly-high $22.45 per hour. That's only $46,000 per year, though. The average Denver fan would have to save for 217,391 years (and four months!) to equal Pat's net worth.

Much of the article fails to highlight just how much public funding goes into supporting the billionaires who get richer everytime you buy a jersey, let alone watch the games.  (Yesterday, I watched 3 minutes of San Francisco's game against Seattle, before taking Mr F:

For a ride and then reading Dinosaur Comics.

But a few other highlights:

Paul Allen, who owns the Seahawks and a yacht that costs nearly $400,000 a week to operate, is a keep 'em. Why? Mother Jones gives him credit for donating $1,600,000 to a campaign to support public charter schools. That is 0.01% of his net worth, and no I didn't displace that decimal point.  The annual budget for Seattle's public schools is $57,700,000 (as of this year.)  Paul Allen could pay for 263 years' worth of public schools, because he is worth $15,000,000,000, and no, I didn't misplace any decimals there, either.

Meanwhile, Jeff Lurie of the Eagles gets lauded for going green -- HA! 'cause the Eagles are green! I get it!-- at his stadium, 36% of which has publicly funded financing according to this report. Can you borrow money from the government to keep up your business' facility? I didn't think so. Lurie, who was born into wealth because his grandfather knew how to start and run a business, was primarily responsible for financing a string of bombs while working for his family's film business, also saw fit to pay Michael Vick to be his starting quarterback.  Vick will make $12,500,000 this year.  Here is a recap of Vick's career highlight:

2002 : Execution of "Bad Newz Kennels" Pit Bulls that Performed Poorly in "Testing" Sessions : 
12. In or about February 2002, PEACE and VICK "rolled" or "tested" some of their fighting dogs against other dogs owned by CW 1 and others in Virginia Beach, Virginia. "Rolling" or "testing" a fighting dog means placing the dog in a short fighting match to determine how well the animal fights . One of the pit bulls sponsored by PEACE and VICK in this "testing" session did not fight very well . 

13 . In or about February 2002, PEACE executed the pit bull that did not perform well in the "testing" session by shooting it with a .22 caliber pistol . 

14 . In or about the summer of 2002 at various times, the exact dates being unknown to the Grand Jury, PEACE, PHILLIPS, TAYLOR, and VICK "rolled" or "tested" additional - Bad Newz Kennels" dogs by putting the dogs through fighting sessions at 1915 Moonlight Road to determine which animals were good fighters . 

15 . In or about the summer of 2002, PEACE executed at least one dog that did not perform well in a "testing" session at 1915 Moonlight Road by shooting the animal . 

16 . In or about the summer of 2002, PHILLIPS executed at least one dog that did not perform well in a "testing" session at 1915 Moonlight Road by shooting the animal, 

17. In or about the summer of 2002, TAYLOR executed at least two dogs that did not perform well in "testing" sessions at 1915 Moonlight Road by shooting one dog and electrocuting the other .

That's from the grand jury indictment. There's no word on whether Vick now uses "green power" to electrocute dogs that don't perform well in fights.

There could be more.  I don't have time to properly investigate each and every person on Mother Jones' list.  The point is, wWhen you grade people on a curve, someone has to pass and someone has to fail.  But why should we judge the rich by standards other than how we judge the poor or middle class? Would you laud someone for giving $4.60 to a charity? If you make $46,000 per year, that's the same percentage of income that Paul Allen, horrible person, gave to the public school fight -- but the $4.60 is a lot harder for someone making only $46,000 per year to part with, because after giving that $4.60, that person has only $45,995.40 left.  After giving up his $1,600,000, Paul Allen is left with $14,998,400,000.

Only.

Keep that in mind the next time you laud someone for being great, Mother Jones -- and, football fans? Do what I do: every time you spend money on a football-related item, give an equal amount to a charity. Then you might have a chance to get into Heaven where, if there's any justice, NOBODY has a yacht that costs $400,000 a week to operate.

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I get it: Cars break down. And when they do, you PUSH THEM THE #$*##&%$ OUT OF TRAFFIC. (This Is Why I Hate People)

From my morning commute not long ago. At this point in the road, there are three lanes of traffic. I was in the left lane, and didn't have a chance to get over before my lane stopped.

Over the course of ten minutes, I tried, using my blinker, to get into the right lane, as my lane remained mostly stopped and I had finally concluded that it wasn't simply traffic lights or people turning left.

Instead, as I got closer, I saw that there was a cab sitting off to the left, in rush hour traffic, apparently broken down.

It took me a full 15 minutes more before all the cars between me and the cab had been let into the center lane by jerk drivers who, seeing a blinker, decide that they're in no way going to be impeded, even by as little as two seconds in their own commute, and a full 15 minutes before the cab finally edged itself up onto the curb to get itself mostly out of traffic.

It's a double-whammy people hating: the cab driver for not just getting the thing out of rush hour, and the people who couldn't let in the line of cars that included me.

Plus, I still kind of think she would smell like salami. (Why I Hate People)

Before she got married in an extravaganza that was actually a not-so-subtly-coded message to America*

*the message being "F*** you, America, here's what I'm doing with the money you give me

Kim Kardashian took a "family retreat" to Bora Bora.

Where she complained that her bungalow was "too hot" and had "too many flowers."

Here's what Kim was complaining about, taken from the website for this resort that for some reason our society lets people go to and still come back here and be treated like people:

Enjoy views of the lagoon from your private water-side balcony or relax in your king canopy bed and watch Bora Bora's exotic marine life float past the glass floor-viewing panels. Unwind in the Italian marble bathroom or stay entertained in the separate seating area with satellite TV and high-speed internet access.

You need that TV and internet in case the exotic tropical beauty outside gets too boring and you just have to find out what's going on with other "celebrities."

While Kim Kardashian was complaining that her at-least-$1,000-per-night hotel bungalow was just too luxurious, she also was wearing a pair of earrings that cost $150,000.

Or so I gather -- because when she went out to go swimming, wearing the earrings, she was tossed in the water by her fake, for-publicity-reasons-only husband, and immediately started crying that she'd lost an earring worth $75,000.

Kim Kardashian, mind you, gets all of her money because you give it to her willingly, and you give it to her willingly just so you can watch her do stuff with your money.

That's what a reality show is: When you buy "Dash" clothes or watch a reality show or buy Kim's sex tape, you're giving her your money, and then you tune in to see what she does with it.

And what she does with it is exactly what you'd expect of a woman who became famous for getting pee'd on: She complains that things are too luxurious and blows $150,000 on earrings.

Kim Kardashian, when she's not letting her STDs seep into the ocean by Bora Bora, lives in West Hollywood, California.

One in 20 people living in West Hollywood make less than half the federal poverty rate. There are 34,399 people living in West Hollywood. Which means that 1,719 people living in Kim Kardashian's neighborhood make less than $11,000 for a family of four.* That is, 1,179 people in Kim Kardashian's city earn about $211 per week.

*The federal poverty level is about $22,000 for a family of four.

Kim Kardashian spent the equivalent of five weeks' pay each night she stayed in Bora Bora, and a more than a lifetime of money for that same family on her $150,000 earrings.

And complained about it.

And she did it with your money.

Paul Allen, You Suck. (This Is Why I Hate People)

I try to be so positive and almost never post any entries in this category. But then I go read The Chive and they've got a bunch of photos of Paul Allen's yacht, and it looks like that picture off to the right, here.

And they say it cost $160,000,000.

One hundred and sixty million dollars, for a boat.

But not just any boat. A boat with a swimming pool in it:


Because where are you going to swim... on a boat?

Just... God Damn. I don't even know what to say. There are 300 million people in America, more or less. The median household income in the U.S. is $50,000; half the people in the U.S. make less than $50,000 per year.

Paul Allen could take his stupid yacht and the stupid $160,000,000 he spent on it, and give $25,000 to 6,400 families, thereby increasing their annual income by 50%. And it wouldn't have to stop there. According to reports, Allen spends $384,000 a week on upkeep and paying his crew.

A week.

Just... God Damn.

So every week, Paul Allen could give $50,000 to a family; 52 families a year could double their income, and it wouldn't even hurt Paul Allen's bottom line.

I don't know how you sleep at night, knowing that you're hoarding resources while people are starving and unable to pay their medical bills and otherwise having horrible horrible troubles. I don't know how you keep all that money selfishly to yourself. I suppose to salve your conscience, you have to be rocked to sleep by the gentle motion of the waves under your hateful $160,000,000 yacht.

There's not much I can do about this, but there's something: Paul Allen is a part owner of the Seahawks, and I'll never root for them again, no matter what. I will actively root against them.

I'm going to send them all a gift basket of candy. (This Is Why I Hate People.)

I started bringing candy into my office, leaving it in coffee cups on my desk for people to take, when I bought the wrong kind of suckers for at home -- Mr Bunches (who calls them "ice cream" because you lick both a sucker and an ice cream cone) wanted suckers, but not the kind I got.

Other people in my office bring in Gummi Snacks, kringles, bagels, cookies... you get the point. Most of them (including the candy on my own desk) I rarely eat, because despite appearances I'm actually trying to watch my weight and get in shape.

So I'm able to walk by a basket of Butterfingers, or a box of doughnuts, or what have you -- and be just fine. But not some people:

Some people believe that setting out little bowls of chocolates and mints builds esprit de corps in the office. It creates an opportunity to chat with co-workers who drop by. Then there are the folks who haul in cookies, birthday cakes, leftover holiday desserts and goodies from their kids' school fund-raisers. Bosses, too, often keep the office candy dish stocked to pump up the staff. ....
There is research to show how irresistible the candy dish can be. A four-week study of 40 secretaries found that when candy was visible in a clear, covered dish, participants ate 2.5 pieces of chocolate on top of the 3.1 candies they would have eaten had the chocolates been in an opaque container, according to the 2006 study in the International Journal of Obesity. Moving the dish closer, so the subjects could reach the candy while seated at their desks, added another 2.1 candies a day to their intake. ....
"The proximity and visibility of a food can consistently increase an adult's consumption," says the study, led by Brian Wansink, a professor of marketing and human behavior at Cornell University, Ithaca, N.Y.

(Source.) It's not bad enough that there is a study that actually proved people will eat 5.6 candies per day as opposed to 3.1 -- junk science that's almost as bad as Morgan Spurlock's spurious studies -- but people are actually banning candy from offices.

Just ignore it! Have some willpower, will you? I've managed -- since my heart attack -- to lose 10 pounds and cut my cholesterol in half even though I have two candy dishes sitting right on my desk. You don't need to force co-workers not to bring in candy and have big studies or be like the one girl in the story who apparently went on some sort of sugar-induced office rampage.

It's like running through an obstacle course of sweaty people with bad haircuts. (This Is Why I Hate People)

At my health club, the indoor track is three lanes wide -- about 6 feet -- and it's the only place to run in the health club, unless you want to fake run on a treadmill and not actually exercise, that is.

(I say fake run because running on a treadmill isn't anything like real running, and I know that because for one winter I ran on a treadmill and never lost any weight, while running on the track has already dropped an inch off my waist, so it's pretty scientific of me to say that running on a treadmill is fake running.)

Treadmills aren't why I hate people, though. The track is. Because the track is where most people who go to the club also feel they should stand, or talk, or drink from their water bottles, or stretch.

Last night alone, there was a guy standing on one corner of the track -- a remote corner, not even where one enters the track or by a locker room or anything -- stretching... and blocking my running lane. There were people in one of those trendy weightlifting-aerobics classes that also aren't really exercise, and they stood on the track stretching or getting their weights, or just chatting.

This health club sprawls across an entire building. There are three levels, featuring a free weight area, two basketball courts, three pools, a lounge area, and about four exercise areas. Some of those are adjacent to the track. Why are you standing on the track stretching?

This Is Why I Hate People, Table of contents

"This Is Why I Hate People" used to be a blog here; now it's a feature on this blog.

I get it: Cars break down. And when they do...

Plus, I still kind of think she would smell like salami.

Paul Allen, You Suck.

Private jets & helicopters: waste waste waste.

Somewhere, a Real Housewife is thinking SHE is entitled to some of this money.

Who pays this much for a shirt?

"Do Not Attempt?"


And, down below, is an explanation of Nonsportsmanlike Conduct, which used to be a feature on this blog but is now a blog here.


This is the archive of all the Nonsportsmanlike Conduct Articles and also the explanation of what this feature is all about...

The articles:

We should just pay kids to play sports: Why pretending high school sports are for learning is ruining sports for everyone.

Take My Coach, Please: Coach K is the latest example of sports not being fun.

There's only one perfect playoff system, and the NCAA Tournament ain't it.

Sports 0, Lawyers 1,000,000 and counting: How Lawyers affect the sports you love.

Suck it up, Cupcake: How meaningless big money shows your favorite player hates your team, and his sport.

Congratulations, you ALMOST won: How the Olympics elevates losing.

Aqua Seafoam Shame: Tiger's Apology.

But Is It A Sport: Curling.

How will you watch the Super Bowl? Tips on how to view the big game, plus some oddly specific predictions.

Super Bowl Week: 7 Days of Hype About 11 Minutes of Football. Featuring my How-To Build Your Own Motivational Speech.

Making Sports Out of Nothing At All: Things Analysts Rely On Which Don't Matter.

1. Wouldn't Peyton Manning and Sandra Bullock make a cute couple?

2. Football on the Radio, The Importance of Being Close To Canada, and a Quick Latin Lesson.

3. Using the library to fight demons, why there's no such thing as a game-winning play, and more.

4. Just root, root, root for whomever you want (How do you choose which team to root for?)

5. Predicting The Winner of The National League Playoffs, the NC! Way! (And making fun, along the way, of the teams, politicians, and female "athletes.")

6. The importance of things that don't matter.

7. Packer Fans Are Stupid.

8. Can your quarterback beat up an evil pinata? (The Patented Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! Test Of How Good Your Quarterback REALLY is (as measured by some football stuff and the Pinata: Survival Island standards).)

9. Why We Should All Be Rooting For The Yankees, All The Time And Everytime.

10. The Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! NonGift! NonGuide!, 2009!

11. Death Stars, Facebook, and even some sports stuff. (7 Or 8 -- I'm Too Lazy To Count -- Things About Sports.)

12. The Saints Ain't Gonna Win The Super Bowl.

13. Your team made 20 million bucks by not caring about you.

14. Your 2009! Nonsportsman! Of The Year!

15. The Fan Vote Wild Card: Today, I'm bringing democracy to the NFL; next week, the Senate.

16. Analyzing the 2010 NFL Playoffs the NC! Way:

Day one: Jets & Eagles.
Day two: Cardinals, Ravens, Packers, and Bengals
Day three: Patriots*, Chargers, Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings, and Cowboys.

The explanation:

Even if you don't like sports, don't stop reading.

Up until last December, I used to do a sports blog. (It's this now.) I started it because I liked talking about (some) sports and watching (some) sports and wanted to share those ideas, but I didn't think that what I thought about sports fit in with my other blogs (which at the time numbered something less than the 33,000,000 blogs I have now.)

I also didn't think that what I thought about sports and liked about sports fit in with other sports fans, a conclusion I came to after noticing that what I liked about sports, and thought about sports, was never (or almost never) mentioned on sports talk shows, sports blogs, sports pages.

I say almost never because, as it turns out, once I began mentioning them, others did, too, in what I chose to take as an homage.

I called my blog Nonsportsmanlike Conduct and described it as the sports blog for people who liked sports but hated sports talk and sports blogs; or, in the alternative, the sports blog for people who liked thinking about stuff but thought they hated sports. It was (and will be, now) an alternative kind of look at sports, at the fun stuff about sports, the interesting stuff (from my perspective) about sports.

It was on Nonsportsmanlike Conduct that I first came up with (Whodathunkit?!which you can now read here) but I also came up with other stuff. I was the first person to each year track which NFL teams stood a chance of going O-For-Everything, and I not only did that but I spurred them on by each week presenting "Great Losers In History." I came up with and patented* (*but not really) my Never Fail 100% Accurate NC! System for Picking Championship Winners. I did But Is It A Sport? in which I ruled on whether something was an activity or a sport, and I pioneered the Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! Nongift Nonguide, telling you what not to get a sports lover in your life.

Then I ended it all, a victim of finances and time; I simply didn't have enough to say about sports to have a whole blog devoted to it.

But, lucky you, (and lucky me!) I've never stopped having opinions about sports, or at least stuff that's vaguely sports-related, and so I've brought back Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! in all its glory* (*but not really), as a once-weekly (usually on Sundays) feature here on Thinking The Lions. All my old favorites will be back, including the return of the Nonsportsman of the Year and more.

There'll be a few changes, too. In the past, Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! had a good-luck charm, a picture of a woman who drew viewers to the website like... well, like a picture of a hot, scantily-clad women draws viewers to a website.

Because, though, Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! is now on Thinking The Lions, meaning that Sweetie will be reading it, I have to defend myself against her claims that I'm posting pictures of scantily-clad women, and the best defense, as they say, is a shirtless Brady Quinn. So each post will feature not one, but two Good Luck Charms, changing each week. (Got a good luck charm in mind? Suggest one to me.)

But the rest will be the same: Sports stuff that's not a sports blog. It's not about which defense is best, or which team might get hot and make the playoffs. It's about the fun, interesting part of sports... so as I began, even if you don't like sports, stick around and read it.

You'll like Nonsportsmanlike Conduct!. I guarantee it*

(*but not really.)