Sunday, November 30, 2014

Apple Tried To Film A "Viral" Iphone Ad And People Treated It Like A Real Wedding (Why I Hate People)

was minding my own business this morning drinking my cup of coffee (from McDonald's because I opted to let Mr Bunches buy a toy the other night instead of replacing the coffee maker that Mr F busted a while back) and I happened on a news article on Gawker that led me to this news article on the Daily News:

Couple get married on the N train

Some lucky straphangers unexpectedly became wedding guests on Friday when Hector Irakliotis, 26, and Tatyana Sandler, 25, exchanged vows on the N train as it crossed the Manhattan Bridge from Brooklyn. They said the subway line was important to their relationship because they spent a lot of time traveling on it.

My first thought, even before I saw the picture, was that this was most likely the work of some sort of hipster guy who wanted to be cool and was imposing this on his wife.  I have never met a woman who wanted her wedding to be so unusual that it got written up on Gawker. Never. But I have met lots of men who do lots of stupid things, unaware that their insistence on doing those stupid things not only marks them as jerks but also is the very reason why they are doomed, ultimately, to die alone.

Then I saw the picture and knew I was right:

Could that guy look any more hipster doofus? HE DELIBERATELY DIDN'T SHAVE FOR TWO DAYS BEFORE HIS WEDDING TO GET THAT LOOK. Who tries to be low-flow-showerhead Kramer for his wedding? Before the article gets to it, let's play "Guess His Job?" Is it:
 (a) Designer (web, food, aftershave. Doesn't matter) (b) Event consultant (c) Curator (web, food, aftershave. Doesn't matter.)
Then, the story:

N stood for nuptials Friday as a young couple got hitched on their favorite subway line.
In what was truly a moving ceremony, Hector Irakliotis, 26, and Tatyana Sandler, 25, exchanged vows on the N train as it crossed the Manhattan Bridge from Brooklyn.
Irakliotis, a game designer,

1000 points for me.

boarded first at Kings Highway around 3:30 p.m. with his groomsmen, who set about decorating the poles and seats with white ribbons.

EVERY PERSON ON THAT CAR THOUGHT "Oh, $($%&$& I'm in some sort of art project for Tumblr."

Look at that last photo and this one. Literally nobody in this car will look at them.
EVERYONE is embarrassed, irritated, or both. 

“Everyone, hi. I have an announcement to make,” the groom said to the other riders. “I am going to be getting married in 20 minutes.” He invited everyone to stay, but asked if they would move to the back of the car, which they willingly did.

A more accurate news report would have read "Onlookers cleared the area as much as they were able in case he was infectious or something."

“Oh my goodness!” Debra Solomon, 57, who was taken aback by the 20 or so wedding guests who greeted her when she stepped into the car. “This is something new, something very different,” she said laughing. “I think it’s very cute! It’s romantic. This is definitely a first. And look how cooperative everyone is! That says a lot.”

Debra would later recount the entire wedding, twice, verbatim, to her cats over dinner.

The radiant bride, a film editor

I hadn't even guessed HER job.  I am 1000% certain that each of them works as an artisanal disc jockey in Brooklyn on the weekends.  

from Ukraine,

"I do not know, Mother. He says they do it this way. What does it matter? As soon as I get the green card, we're fine."

boarded at 36th St. in a glamorous white gown and accompanied by her maid of honor.

Ten bucks says the maid of honor's "job" is discovering a new way to pickle beets and sell them at locavore swaps.

How do you KNOW it's a marketing stunt?
Check out the guy behind the bride: It's Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger!

She walked down the subway aisle — dodging poles — as the best man held up an iPhone

Of COURSE HE HELD UP AN iPHONE.  "Suri, what cliche elements are missing from this iPhone ad that people are for some reason taking seriously?" Cue Zooey Deschanel with the life lesson in 3...2...

 blasting “City Love” by John Mayer.

*nearly spits coffee onto laptop screen*

The couple chose the N for their “I do’s” because they spent a good deal of their courtship traveling on it.

"The couple also said that they opted for "horizontal surfaces" for their reception, as they spend a good deal of time walking on those, and revealed they chose OXYGEN for their rehearsal dinner because they spend a good deal of time breathing it."

“We’ve been through a lot. Good times, bad times, and a lot of the good times have taken place on the train,” Irakliotis

[whose now-husband apparently took her nowhere during their 'courtship', opting instead to endlessly ride the subway around and around in a perfect metaphor of the seven months this marriage will last]

 said. “Confessions of love, reconciliations, goofy, ridiculous conversations — the whole spectrum.

These two have been annoying, pestering and otherwise intruding upon the lives of subway riders on the N train for months now in an attempt to recreate, scene for scene, every Ethan Hawke movie nobody has ever wanted to view.

 In New York, you spend so much time on the train, we thought why not?”

OK you two specifically shut up but New Yorkers in general, you ALSO shut up about the subway, will you? There are subways in LOTS of cities and you don't hear any other residents of any other cities acting like having MASS TRANSIT is some kind of freaking religious experience.  NEW YORKERS SPEND AS MUCH TIME ON THE TRAIN AS ANYONE ANYWHERE SPENDS COMMUTING AND NOT A SECOND MORE.  And the fact that it is (a) "the" subway and (b) IN NEW YORK OH GOD I AM SO IMPORTANT and (c) you are on it doesn't make it any more significant. Stop talking about the subway in indie movies and New Yorker short stories and everywhere else you talk about it. JUST STOP.

An interfaith chaplain performed the ceremony as it went over the Manhattan Bridge. Riders broke into applause as they were pronounced man and wife. After posing for pictures, on subway stairs, the wedding party exited at Canal St. and headed for a bar.

[AND SCENE.  OK guys, cut that in with some music from the next "OK GO" album and get it on air before the end of the weekend so that people will buy lots of iPhones for Christmas, got it?"]

The newlyweds share a kiss in the Canal St. station after getting hitched on the N train.
It wasn't until the last picture that I saw his STEAMPUNK COAT. *sighs* AH ROMANCE.  Also, she is almost certainly standing in a puddle of urine.

PSS: Lest you think this is NOT some sort of viral marketing campaign, ask yourself how a reporter knew to be there to interview passengers like the 57-year-old cat lady?

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