Here's the "Food!":
1. Gummi Krabby Patties:
A gummi candy modeled after Sponge Bob's Krabby Patties. True fact: Mr Bunches liked Spongebob for a while when he was younger and for about two years he thought hamburgers were actually called "krabby patties." Another fun fact: these are surprisingly good. I don't particularly like gummi candy, but whenever Mr Bunches won't eat a batch of these (he is picky about textures and if they're a little stale he won't come near them) I "have to" finish them. I like 'em. I took a bunch to my office and put them in my candy vase, and the other lawyers ate them up in about 4 hours.
Bologna is my second-favorite lunchmeat, right behind liverwurst, which we didn't have right now. We don't buy liverwurst every week because it's superexpensive, especially compare to bologna, which is about 99 cents a ton.
When we were kids my mom used to make fried bologna from the ring, fried up in butter with onions. I still make that sometimes even though I am the only one in my family who will eat it.
3. Frosted Mini-Wheats:
On a not-completely-unrelated follow-up to that last part, remember back when I had my heart attack? I had to talk to a nutritionist because hospitals have this thing where they want you to NOT keep coming back for emergency surgery even though if we were all healthy they'd be out of business DID THEY EVER THINK OF THAT?
Anyway, the nutritionist suggested that I substitute frosted mini-wheats for snack chips, and I have done that pretty successfully: right now in our house we have an entire case of Doritos (courtesy of a client of mine who WORKS FOR FRITO-LAY I HIT THE JACKPOT) plus a bag of "Funyuns" which would have made it into this post but I haven't opened them yet, even though they have been in our house for nearly 24 hours.
I like the frosted mini-wheats enough that I don't even hold it against them that they were recalled in 2012 for possibly containing metal shavings in them. Have you ever noticed that almost no junk food ever poses a direct health hazard? Nearly every vegetable has caused a salmonella or e. coli outbreak. Fruits are made up of 100% spiders. Kale was perfected by Hitler. Etc. But when's the last time you heard of someone dying of Cheetos? NEVER. Unless you count someone getting murdered over a dispute about Cheetos, which is not an argument against Cheetos, it's an argument against ever being around other people.
4. Cap'n Crunch:
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch is actually my favorite. I like it not just because it tastes delicious, but because it exemplifies everything I think is awesome/lamentable about modern society: We take a peanut, and grind it up into tiny powder, and then mix it with chemicals and then put it through a series of industrial processes to shape it into a fake peanut.
HUMANITY: 1, NATURE: 0. Probably the score is more lopsided than that.
I don't have Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch right now, and technically the Cap'n Crunch shown here is not a regular one; it's one of the ones that comes mixed in with the box of Crunchberries. Mr Bunches likes the berries in Crunch Berries, but not the crunches. I'm not sure what he disliked about them. He tried to eat one to earn a star so he could buy a toy [when he wants to buy toys he has to earn 9 stars, which he can do through various tasks/challenges] and he managed to get it into his mouth and chew it but then he gagged and had to spit it out and drink about a gallon of milk. He got his star.
So he picks the berries out, leaving all the crunches. So I take the leftover crunches and put them in a box and eat them for cereal. It's the circle of life.
"So just buy him that All-Berries cereal," you're probably saying.
PRO TIP: When someone deals with a situation regularly and spells out a problem to you, if you can think of a potential solution to that problem in 0.0000001 seconds, assume that the other person has also thought of it. Whatever you came up with instantaneously has probably occurred to that other person in the years they have been dealing with the problem, don't you think? Like the time we were at our in-laws with Mr F, and he wanted some cheese puffs, and I tried to get him to eat them out of the bag because he was suspicious of bowls back then, and he wouldn't, and he dumped them onto the couch. As I pushed them onto a paper towel to try to have some semblance of clean, my sister-in-law said: "Have you thought about giving him a bowl?"
WHAT? WHAT DEVILTRY ARE YOU SPEAKING OF WOMAN? What is this bowl you talk of? Some miraculous new contraption of science? I must learn more of this thing!
The reason we don't buy the All Berries is because that is not how Mr Bunches started eating Crunch Berries, and so he won't switch. We've tried. He won't touch them. It doesn't matter that they're the same berry. And they probably don't taste the same: I'm of the opinion that the berries in Crunch Berries taste different because they are packaged with the crunches, and so the flavors mingle a bit, while the All Berries is more of a pure crunchberry flavor, suitable for purists.
We have Oreos in our house because Mr F likes the middles. And also so that late at night I can feel a little hungry and open up the cupboard and see them and think "I'll have just one," and then eat 7 of them in a row before forcing myself to go upstairs and try to get to sleep, vowing that tomorrow for sure I'll start dieting or something. It's an almost-nightly ritual.
We're working on Mr F at least depositing the Oreo shells on the table:
Did you know that Oreos were a knockoff product? It's true: They were the Mr Pibb to Hydrox cookies' Dr Pepper, so to speak. The current design of the Oreo was done by William Turnier, in 1952. Or at least he is who is generally given credit. Nabisco won't officially say it was him. That is the biggest miscarriage of justice since the guy who invented the Doritos Locos Taco got the shaft: Todd Mills came up with the idea and sent a letter to Frito-Lay in 2009. They rejected the plan, and then made it anyway. Mills never got any money, and died on Thanksgiving 2013. He was like a modern-day John Harrison. Of tacos.