Saturday, September 19, 2015

Bacon Jerks: Now You Need An APP?

I am SICK of bacon, and people talking about it.  Every now and then -- meaning all the time-- the Internet decides it loves something so much that it simply has to vomit it back all over the rest of us.  USUALLY this only lasts a month or two, but sometimes it goes on longer: Game Of Thrones, The Walking Dead, what's-her-name from the Hunger Games, the one who talks about poop? And NOTHING has shown more staying power than $($#&% bacon.

BACON JERKS exists, NOW, to make fun of those people, and the newest BACON JERK THING is "Oscar Mayer's Dating App For Bacon Lovers," called of course because people who think bacon is funny have no actual sense of humor, "Sizzl."

I learned about this on Huffpo, which is every bit as clickbaity as BuzzFeed but somehow avoids that reputation. HuffPo describes the basic idea of the app, which just takes your Facebook profile (Facebook is the AOL of the 21st century, mediating the Internet for people who are afraid of the 'wild' internet) and asks you some bacon-related questions.  Then you get to see if you are compatible with other people who like bacon! Wheeeee...?

The author of the Huffpo story says that

Shawn caught my eye, because he likes crispy bacon. I'm a chewy person. Since bacon opposites attract,  
Wait what?

we started chatting right away
She has a screenshot of their "chat"!


"Honestly?" How much courage does it take to say "I like a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich?" 

PLUS, Shawn puts way more effort into describing THE REST OF THE SANDWICH. Hey, Shawn we are about the bacon here so shut up about your lettuce and bread man do you think this app is called Breadlr? 

Look at the author's priceless reaction to Shawn's straight-up absolutely unironic description of the effect of  BLT on his mind: She explodes too! It is a match made in (Bacon) Heaven. 
Throwing caution to the wind, our intrepid writer asks him out:

 ice going, Shawn. "Science bacon." You didn't make me like bacon any better but now I like science a little less. The two went on a date and ate "peanut butter bacon burgers" (gross) and took exactly the kind of annoying pictures you would expect someone so stupid to take:

Now you've helped wreck, just a little, for me, science, Lady & The Tramp, pictures, and the classic Elton John song "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" (which you did via a bacon-related pun that also makes me dislike PUNS a little, and I LOVE PUNS.)

The "news story" which does not declare itself a sponsored post in blatant violation of FTC guidelines, goes on to heartily recommend that you try the App yourself, linking to it several times and including a helpful and totally not sponsored video that I didn't watch because I was worried it would make me punch my laptop.

App reviews on the Itunes store include one sad, sad lonely sad person saying they are "proud of the brand for being willing to do something like this." What is going WRONG IN YOUR LIFE that you feel the need to give props to a BRAND for being willing to PROMOTE ITSELF? "

*sniff* I was never more proud of Coca-Cola than when they unselfishly spent a zillion dollars on that ad campaign. C'mere you! Give us a hug!"

That review gets WAY worse. Here is the whole thing:

You had me at Bacon 

What a fun concept! Proud of the brand for being willing to do something like this!

Just wish the app didn't lag so much. It's caused a lot of sizzl ratings that I didn't intend for it to! Seems to get stuck a lot.

Other than that, I am just hoping to have a story for future grandkids...."well, we met on a bacon dating app. He liked thick cut, and I knew from that he was the one" 😂

There needs to be an It Gets Better for people like Adelmore.  One day, Adelmore, you will tell all your cats the story of the Sizzl(TM) ratings you didn't intend for it to.

Just when I thought there was no hope for humanity ever and was going to go down into the bunker, I read this review:

Best idea ever 

Never thought I would love again after my wife died in a freak fryolator accident. Tried Sizzl and met the bacon lover of my dreams in 5 minutes. We are moving in together next week.

Stristr is my hero.

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