Friday, October 16, 2015

You Are A Cog: Quit Having Fun Edition

The 0.02 seconds you spent looking at this picture
cost America $1.13.
Philosophers for thousands of years have discussed how to measure the value and meaning of life but here in 21st Century America we know that life = how many dollars you contribute to society.  When we are not watching what a Kardashian is doing, we are breaking down your existence into exactly how many dollars and cents you contribute to the GDP.

And, if you ever go out and have fun, especially a little too much fun, say the junk scientists at the Centers For Disease Control, who have run out of actual science to do, you are HURTING AMERICA EXACTLY AS MUCH AS IF YOU JOINED ISIS.

A new CDC "report" "studied" how much excessive drinking cost the economy from 2006-2010. This report has less "science" in it than you would find in a typical baking soda volcano, given that the report admits it's an estimate,  but it's still kind of making the news because, again, people=dollars.

The "study" looked at "excessive alcohol consumption," which it defined as more than 4 drinks in one session, or any drinks by people under 21 or who were pregnant. From there, the "study" gets less science-y. For example, you might ask "How did they know how many drinks were sold?" and you would find out that they estimated it:

The number of standard drinks per state was estimated by multiplying the number of gallons of ethanol sold6by the specific gravity of ethanol (0.79); weight of 1 gallon of water (8.33 pounds); and number of grams in 1 pound (453.59), and then dividing by the number grams of ethanol in a standard drink (14.0).7 The state cost was divided by the number of standard drinks. The per capita costs were calculated by dividing the state cost by the 2010 state population.8

They said SPECIFIC GRAVITY. It MUST BE SCIENCE.  By the way, according to Google

Ethanol is used extensively as a solvent in the manufacture of varnishes and perfumes; as a preservative for biological specimens; in the preparation of essences and flavorings; in many medicines and drugs; as a disinfectant and in tinctures (e.g., tincture of iodine); and as a fuel and gasoline additive (see gasohol).
Which only makes it worse because PREGNANT WOMEN ARE DRINKING PERFUME. Or something. Anyhoo, SCIENCE! And RESULTS!


The estimated cost of excessive drinking in 2010 was $249.0 billion. This equates to $2.05 per drink or $807 per person. Lost productivity comprised 71.9% of costs, health care comprised 11.4%, and other comprised 16.7%. The cost to government was $100.7 billion ($0.83 per drink, $306 per capita

"Estimates" aren't science, but they are "SCIENCE." I am particularly concerned about the "lost productivity," which cost us Americans $179,084,900,000 in 2010 (estimated/science). You might not think that they broke down the lost productivity into categories, but these are SERIOUS SCIENTISTS PEOPLE so of course there is a table:

Lost productivity179,084.957,219.0134,035.413,666.62,290.0
 Impaired productivity at work76,858.625,440.252,614.11,924.3
 Impaired productivity at home6,218.04,256.6205.0
 Impaired productivity while in specialty care1,983.4656.51,358.6349.1
 Impaired productivity while in hospital228.475.664.16.42.6
My favorite is "Impaired productivity at home." Hungover stay-at-home moms who were too drunk from Book Club cost our nation 4 billion dollars in 2010. That is a LOT of laundry that didn't get done on Tuesday.  I KNEW letting women vote was a mistake.

They also broke it down by state, with the national average -- remember, averages tell you NOTHING about NOTHING, they are the least useful statistical measure -- being $3,500,000,000 per state, but California was way up at 10 times that, or thirty-five billion dollars lost in 2010. Californians must have been drinking gasoline, because of the drought. WACKY LEFT COASTERS. Plus probably Hollywood liberals and their wine coolers or something.

Here's one thing the study doesn't remark on but which is worth considering: while all you hungover mommy bloggers and government workers were napping at your desks on Thursday morning instead of contributing to the bottom line like God wants you to, COSTING ME MONEY via tax dollars or something, what about the people who MADE ALL THE MONEY THE NIGHT BEFORE?  Is there a study out there on how much binge drinking contributed to last night's economy?  Considering the effects of overtipping to impress the group of girls at the next table, or the effect on the US' jobs index when the entire car of people stops and gets $32 worth of Taco Bell at 3 a.m.? What about the bump in the bottom lines of the companies that make aspirin, '5 Hour Energy' and McDonald's Egg McMuffins? I submit that binge drinking is what is keeping our economy AFLOAT.  Just think: if your wife DIDN'T get too drunk last night to wax the floor today, would she have ordered all that stuff off of Amazon while she was lying in bed not caring if little Abigail was flunking out of 4K? PROBABLY NOT.

Anyway, the important thing is that once again 'science' has created a system of useless charts and bogus estimates to tell you what you're doing wrong with your life.  Plus in the 5 minutes you spent reading this you could've patented something and grown our economy by $12.82 (estimate, 2010 dollars), you worthless slug.

PS While the CDC was doing this they were admitting that their flu vaccine worked only 23% of the time last year but claiming this year it's totally going to be better guys. As soon as they get rid of that hangover.  HEY MARV DOESN'T RETIRE EVERY DAY WE HAD TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT THE PARTY AT LEAST.

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