Wednesday, August 04, 2010

1001 Ways To Tune Up The World, Number Sixty-Nine.

69. Launch garbage into space.

I was watching the news the other day (in between Lost episodes) and saw that there's now another controversy brewing about oil in the Gulf.

No, not the controversy where the government now claims that half the oil evaporated, a claim they made only now, instead of, at the beginning, saying "Hey, did you know oil can evaporate? So don't worry about that spill in the Gulf so much because half the oil is going to evaporate in 2 months." If they'd said that then, I might think it was true. Saying now that the oil has evaporated just further erodes my faith in government and science. And that faith was pretty eroded already. My faith in science and government is the Grand Canyon of belief.

Anyway, the new controversy is about what to do with the oily, tarry waste, and the apparent choice that's been made about that question is "Dump it a little further into Louisiana and Missisippi," so that instead of oil waste on the beaches, we have oil waste in landfills not far from the beaches.

What to do with our garbage is always a problem -- not just when companies like BP decide to kill 11 people in the name of slightly higher profits. It's also a problem when cities make us separate our recyclables and when people dump old cars in swamps, and our only option so far has been "bury the garbage and hope our kids develop a resistance to tainted ground water."

But for 50 years now, we've had the capacity to build simple rockets, and we live only 93,000,000 miles from the largest incinerator in the neighborhood. NASA's not doing anything right now -- they can't even keep the space station's air conditioner working (try hitting it with a hammer, astronauts!), so why not have NASA start launching our garbage at the sun? No landfills, no ugly waste, no protesters, and, as a bonus, imagine what kind of cool new elements the sun can create using its fusion powers on our soda bottles and dirty diapers.

Prior entries:

13. Ban driving any kind of automobile, motorcycle or other personal vehicle within 1-2 miles of downtown in any city with a population of more than 100,000.

12. Abolish gym class; instead, teach kids to play musical instruments.

11. Change copyright laws to allow anyone to use anyone else's creative work provided that the copier pay 60% of the profit to the originator and that the copier not cast the original work in a negative light.

10. Have more sidewalk cafes and outdoor seating.

9. When you have to give someone a gift, ask them what they want, and then get that thing for them.

8. Never interrupt or finish someone's jokes.

7. Periodically, give up something you like for at least a month.

6. Switch to "E-money."

5. Have each person assigned one phone number, and then add an extension for the various phones and faxes that person might be reached at.

4. Abolish Mondays and Tuesdays.

3. Don't listen to interviews with athletes or comedians.

2. Have "personal cashiers" at the grocery store.

1. Don't earn more than $200,000 per year.

Is this working? You bet --

1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


Claudius wanted to be the first man to reach the stars... but it was murder to get there. Read
Eclipse, the haunting sci-fi book from Briane Pagel. Available at and on your Kindle.


No comments: