Sunday, January 02, 2011

1001 Ways To Tune Up The World, Number Seventy-Three

73. Reliability checkers for Internet sites.

I remember a thing, when I worked at a computer network company for a summer (a summer that took place during the time when I did not own a computer and did not know anything about computers other than how to change the screen savers, which at the time included those "flying toasters" that Microsoft used to use, and a summer in which I was a temp worker, so be careful, you employers who are hoping to use nothing but temps as you go forward into the brave new world, because you get what you pay for, even with employees)...

... where was I? Oh, yeah: I remember a thing called ISO 9000 -- some sort of business scam that involved people going around and checking businesses' procedures to see if they followed them. The idea was this: Businesses would establish a procedure, any procedure, and ISO 9000 would then see if the business actually followed that procedure, and if they did, the business would be ISO 9000 certified.

I know, but lots of things in the business world don't make sense. Anyway, that idea, only in a logical, actually practical way, could be used on the Internet, which is chockablock full of misleading information, historical inaccuracies, and Lady GaGa's tweets, all of which are contributing to making the Internet the least reliable source of information we have -- by this point, Conan O'Brien's monologues are more accurate. They're just not as handy.

So what we need is an international body that would let sites apply to be checked for accuracy -- and re-checked, as necessary. This international body (let's call them the Trilateral Commission, just to have some fun with the Tea Partiers)(or didn't you realize that the people who nowadays are taking back their government were, two years ago, worried about codes on the back of street signs guiding black helicopters?)(Go, Wolverines!) would, upon a site applying for verification, check through that site to make sure that each and every fact mentioned on the site was accurate, as measured objectively -- not by comparing other sites and the like, but by comparing them with actual knowledge. The Trilateral Commission would then rate the site's accuracy on a scale of 0 to 100, with 100% (of course) being the most reliable.

That way, when I go google my symptoms (stuffed nose, sore left foot, kind of weird feeling in my finger) I can be 100% certain that the results (common cold, or superfatal brain cloud, either is equally likely) are accurate.

Prior entries:

13. Ban driving any kind of automobile, motorcycle or other personal vehicle within 1-2 miles of downtown in any city with a population of more than 100,000.

12. Abolish gym class; instead, teach kids to play musical instruments.

11. Change copyright laws to allow anyone to use anyone else's creative work provided that the copier pay 60% of the profit to the originator and that the copier not cast the original work in a negative light.

10. Have more sidewalk cafes and outdoor seating.

9. When you have to give someone a gift, ask them what they want, and then get that thing for them.

8. Never interrupt or finish someone's jokes.

7. Periodically, give up something you like for at least a month.

6. Switch to "E-money."

5. Have each person assigned one phone number, and then add an extension for the various phones and faxes that person might be reached at.

4. Abolish Mondays and Tuesdays.

3. Don't listen to interviews with athletes or comedians.

2. Have "personal cashiers" at the grocery store.

1. Don't earn more than $200,000 per year.

Is this working? You bet --

1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


1001 Ways also helped change the world here!


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