Tuesday, June 14, 2011

TWINKIE WATCH: Day One.


Welcome to... SCIENCE!

The other day, I heard yet another joke about how long Twinkies last, and since I've already fulfilled my previous reason for existing on this planet* and was at a loss for what to do next to benefit society, I decided to test out the longstanding idea that Twinkies are the only thing not named Christopher Walken that would survive whatever nature (e.g., mudslides) could throw at it.

After some quick googling to make sure that nobody had ever tried this before, and not seeing any results in the top three listings that suggested someone had done it before, I quickly devised the parameters of my experiment, and those parameters are these:

1. I would unwrap a Twinkie and put it on a plate.
2. I would take pictures of it every day until something happened.

After some consideration (i.e., science), I tweaked the experiment a bit, based on these factors:

1A: Sweetie was very unlikely to allow me to let a Twinkie decay in our house, as she tends to focus on things like "being clean" as opposed to more important things like "science."
1B: I needed a control group, which any scientist can tell you.

And so, after all that careful preparation, and also after taking a Twinkie from the box in the cupboard, I have created...


SCIENCE!




That is a Twinkie (on the right) and a miniature York Peppermint Patty (on the left.) The York Peppermint Patty is the control group. I'm not exactly sure what a control group does, so I'm pretty sure that a peppermint patty can serve as one.

I'm keeping the Plate Of Science in my office in a secret location. It's in a cubby on my desk; I can tell you that because you'll never get past the extraordinary security measures I have in place:





If you can outsmart a chicken that owns a castle, then you're a better man than I am.

Anyway, I will, every day that I'm in the office and remember to do so, post a picture of this ongoing vitally important experiment. Check back often.


*The original reason for my existence on this planet is a closely guarded secret. Even the chicken doesn't know.

2 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

I think the control group is the one that's given placebos. In other words, the group where nothing should happen. In this case I'm not sure what the control group could be since you're not treating the Twinkie with anything.

Michael Offutt said...

In Zombieland, Woodie Harrelson's character states that a twinkie, in fact, does have a shelf-life and reaches a point in which it is no longer delicious.