Monday, July 11, 2011

TWINKIE (and Home Intruder) WATCH: Day 28.


Actually Day 29, but who's counting?*

*The Trilateral Commission.
I was going to post this yesterday, when the actual photos and videos of SCIENCE were taken, but I forgot to do that largely for pizza-related reasons, the pizza-related reasons being "Sweetie made my favorite pizza for dinner and I was pretty fully after eating as much of it as I could."

Then, I was going to post the update this morning, but my plans to do anything this morning were interrupted by this ACTUAL SET OF TEXT MESSAGES I RECEIVED FROM SWEETIE:

7:43 a.m. Call. Me!!!!!!!!!!!

7:43 a.m. There is a bat flying in our house I got boys out I can't get it please come help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:43 a.m. I

That was it. On that last one, I wondered if the bat had gotten her, and what sort of carnage I'd be walking into when I got home.

Based on those texts, I had to the biweekly meeting of all my firm's lawyers, which I did via this cleverly-worded explanation:

"I have to be excused. There's a bat in my house and people are trapped."

That is really an excuse you can only use one time to get out of a meeting.

Upon arriving home, I found Sweetie and Mr F and Mr Bunches waiting in the car with the front door propped open, something I had told Sweetie to do as I called her on the way home, conversations that went like this:

Me: How are things going? Where's the bat?

Sweetie: [unintelligible talking at a rate of speed that is, technically, both higher-pitched and faster than human beings can achieve.]

Me: I didn't quite get that.

I armed myself with a tennis racket and blanket from the garage, got a high-five from each of the Babies!, and headed in.

"What are you doing with that?" Sweetie asked, eying the tennis racket.

"It's to bat it down if it comes at me," I said. "Pun intended."

I then went on to inspect the entire house, with the help of the local animal control guy, who Sweetie had also called at my suggestion, and who, I noted with satisfaction, came in with his own tennis racket, so I was using what the pros use. Together we went through our entire house, and if you ever want to drive yourself nuts, walk through your whole house trying to find every nook and cranny a 3" long rodent might crawl into.

A 3" long rodent that can fly.

And which probably has rabies.

We didn't find it -- even when we opened up the piano, and Sweetie came up to meet us at the door.

"Is it here?" she asked, nervously.

"It's not in here," I said, conscious that Sweetie was going to have to spend the entire day in the house with the boys and their teachers and that we could not afford to rent a hotel room instead, so I had to put her at ease.

"Unless it's just hiding pretty well and won't come out until later," the animal control guy helpfully said.

So I checked the house over again after he left, and then headed back to work, where I had used up all the free time I had allotted myself and consequently am left posting

TWINKIE WATCH DAY 28 here at almost the end of DAY 29!

As you can see from the accompanying pictures, I had help on this Twinkie examination; Mr F and Mr Bunches came with me to the office yesterday and together we looked over the Twinkie.

Well, not Mr F. He looked at the Twinkie, shuddered, and then walked away to watch "Happy Feet," leaving me and Mr Bunches to do all the important SCIENCE, which first consisted of Mr Bunches poking and dropping the Twinkie scientifically:



That was actually his second go-round with it. After I'd put it back, he wanted to do more SCIENCE, so I let him.

Then he wanted to do even MORE SCIENCE:



It's been a while since I made any SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATIONS, so I'll do that here:

1. You can hear in the background that Mr F was kind of grossed out by Mr Bunches picking up the Twinkie of Science.

2. I'm pretty sure that tapping the Twinkie with the Control Group violated Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.

3. You can't argue with me about #3 because nobody knows what that principle is.

4. That's why he called it the Uncertainty principle, after all.

5. I'm not entirely sure the bat is gone, and it's kind of creeping me out now, sitting here alone at my computer desk in our living room, the exact place Sweetie was sitting when the bat first came out this morning.

6. I have all the lights in our house on.**

**I have to do that, because Mr Bunches is playing with the anti-bat flashlight that we went to buy tonight. We didn't own a flashlight before this because I never needed to look into every nook and cranny in our house prior to today, and frankly, I liked it better that way. But right now, I'm supposed to be looking around for the bat again, and I can't, because Mr Bunches has the flashlight in bed with him.

7. That Twinkie is not rotting at all, is it? Only a few days ago (twelve days ago) I pointed out that the Twinkie, a true Hero of Science, was dying. Now, I'm pretty sure it's not dying. It may be immortal.

8. Immortal Twinkie.

9. I like saying that.

Day 25 here.

2 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

Hmmm, do you have a cave under your house? Maybe you can train it to do your bidding like Batman.

Petri Dish said...

"Sweetie: [unintelligible talking at a rate of speed that is, technically, both higher-pitched and faster than human beings can achieve.]"

It got to her. It bit, licked or peed on her. Sweetie is the new reigning bat so you'll never find the original. She's transforming. I hear guano makes quite a lot on the black market. LONG LIVE QUEENBAT!