Wednesday, September 14, 2011

TWINKIE WATCH: Five days and counting.



Many (three) of you have expressed concern at the thought of my eating a 100-day-old Twinkie, with the level of concern best being expressed by reader Anna, who said:

"should i call a local news station to cover it in case something crazy happens?"
Anna is a woman after my own heart: In the face of (potentially) certain doom, her first thought is "publicize it!" (Her second thought is: "i have a toilet in my apartment.").

But I am nothing if not devoted to my readers/looking for ways to fill this space until I eat... that... Twinkie... and since the internet yesterday was completely unhelpful in terms of actually providing me information about what harm can befall a human from eating a 100-days-old mummified Twinkie (thereby proving what I said back in 1997: "This internet thing isn't going to stick around") I thought I would do what I do best, which is waste time.

That is, I mean, actually gather information. Which is why I today have gone to the greatest source of information humanity has ever come up with:

Yahoo! Answers.

(You thought I was going to say Stephen Baldwin, didn't you?)

I have this morning posted this actual question actually online for actual people to actually answer:




Note: Those pictures aren't on the actual page where my question is posted. I put those pictures in to spice up an otherwise-boring screen cap. If "lemurs and laughing presidents" doesn't spice up a picture, I don't know what does.

I would link to the actual page my question is on, but I can't seem to find it; it's buried in the gamut of questions under "Questions in Other-Food & Drink," where my fellow askers have asked such burning questions as "Skittles v. Starburst?" (Results are about even.) Other questions in that category are:

"Ate an entire Chipotle burrito... and still hungry?" (Which adds, as this additional detail to help you answer the question: "had hotpot like half an hour later, something fishy is going on with my body.") (My favorite answer to that question: "Drink a gallon of water.")(That's probably that guy's answer to every problem, the way my Mom's answer to any health question was "Drink a glass of milk." Mom prescribed milk for everything from sore feet to monkeypox.)

But by far my favorite question is this, which I will repeat verbatim:


I don't even know where to begin, other than I burst out laughing when I read it. It's like the questioner is having an existential crisis over whether he or she really does like pie -- is it right to like pie? Would Schrodinger have liked pie? Before he opened the box, or after, or both? Does pie like me? Maybe just as a friend, but we could build on that?

That is so good it deserves to be on a t-shirt.

And it is, now:


So. Not even 10 o'clock yet and I have managed to create an entire t-shirt and lose a question. This might be the single most productive day of my career.

4 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

You should definitely have someone videotaping you eating the 100-year-old Twinkie. Actually you should have been videotaping this all along to make a documentary to send in to Cannes or Sundance. Maybe you could get Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

And then make a trailer where a guy says ominously, "In a world where snack food consumption is at an all time high, one man dares to leave a Twinkie exposed to the elements for 100 days...Twinkie Watch: The Movie!"

Rogue Mutt said...

I got a whole short film laid out now. What you need is to get "Carmina Burana" playing in the background to accompany shots of the Twinkie, the control group, and then shots of your kids playing around the Twinkie to establish danger to Twinkie, and then at the dramatic climax of the movie you bite into the Twinkie and eat it and smile to the camera. (And then maybe throw up if it's really nasty.)

Then wait for Oscar to come calling.

Michael Offutt said...

It could have deadly flesh-eating bacteria on it that don't eat the twinkie because the twinkie is not made from flesh. But as soon as you eat it, your lips will dissolve, followed by your tongue. Twinkie is not worth it. Think of your children.

anna. said...

haha my deep level of concern is often overshadowed by my morbid curiosity. best of luck this week...i seriously can't wait.