Tuesday, September 13, 2011

TWINKIE WATCH: Seven days left 'til TWINKIEGEDDON!

Here is a picture of The Twinkie:



And Control Group posing in front of an actual cassette tape of the soundtrack from Armageddon, a tape that Sweetie bought in Buffalo, New York, on our honeymoon, and I posed the Twinkie in front of that tape because:

1. I'm really out of ideas to pose the Twinkie in front of. I thought about taking the Twinkie with me to various places -- court, attorney meetings, giving the twins a bath, parent-teacher night -- and taking pictures of it, but that seems like a bad idea, and

2. Having resolved that I'm going to eat the Twinkie next week, I now can begin planning for what might be the grandest/most ridiculous way to die/get a couple days off of work/get really grossed out, and hype it even more than I otherwise might have by comparing my eating the Twinkie to other famously emotional over-the-top scenes, like when Bruce Willis pushed Ben Affleck back into the elevator shaft that space shuttles definitely don't have and went out himself to ...

... what was he doing? Manually detonating the bomb? Manually drilling? I forget. But anyway, it was heroic, and my being ready to eat the Twinkie is similarly heroic.

Out of curiosity, too, I decided to begin investigating whether anything really can go wrong by eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days, doing so the way everyone proves everything: By googling it.

Asking Google the question "Can anything really go wrong by eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days?" gets you a Snopes.com article that completely fails to answer that question but does claim that Twinkies have a shelf-life of 25 days, something I've pretty conclusively proven wrong:




The answer to my question, then is "No, nothing can go wrong from eating a Twinkie that's been sitting out in the open for 100 days." Because if the answer isn't on Google, it doesn't exist.

Which ought not to downplay the serious danger I'll be in when I make that sacrifice and eat the Twinkie next week. Just because nothing can go wrong doesn't mean what I'm doing isn't incredibly heroic and brave. So imagine me, a week from today, eating the Twinkie while accompanied by this song:





Want to track back through this piece? Day 84 here
.

3 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

If it's all hard I don't think I'd want to eat it, but I salute your heroic sacrifice. I think Obama should call afterwards to congratulate you for your contributions to science. Nobel Prize, baby!

Michael Offutt said...

I don't think you should eat the twinkie. It could poison you.

anna. said...

oh my goodness. marking my calendar. should i call a local news station to cover it in case something crazy happens? i know people in madison...