Sunday, November 13, 2011

UPDATE on SCIENCE 2: (Thinking The Lions)

That headline makes it sound like this is the SECOND update on SCIENCE, but it's not; it's the FIRST update on "SCIENCE 2", which is the name of my experiment in which I will attempt to grow a beautiful


In A Can...


from a can of what appears to be a mixture of wood chips and off-brand pet food that I got at the Dollar Store, which, if it appears that 98% of my life revolves around the Dollar Store, is an incorrect percentage. Only about 83%, to be exact, of my life involves the Dollar Store. The other 17% is made up of equal parts "trying to remember what Sweetie told me to do today" and "wondering where Mr F has gotten off to."

Plus snacks. So, so many snacks.

Anyway, the UPDATE on SCIENCE 2 is this: There has been a TRAUMATIC EVENT OF SCIENCE, and by "traumatic event" I mean this guy:

Longtime readers will recognize Mr F, and will also recognize that he looks a little guilty there, doesn't he?

He does. Take it from me.

Mr F looks guilty because of this:

which occurred when I brought Mr F and Mr Bunches into the office with me last Sunday, and then, having brought them into the office, I unwisely (in my opinion) opted to try to do some work, which distracted me from the far more important role I usually occupy, that of "guy who keeps Mr F from finding out that there's a can of dirt in a drawer in his desk and then subsequently spilling that can of dirt to see what happens."

Which is why he looks guilty in that picture above.

I knew immediately that something was wrong, of course -- I was reviewing some emails and otherwise doing things that seemed important at the time and I heard the drawer opening, but I thought it was safe because there's that Mr Yuck sticker on it, and everyone's afraid of Mr Yuck, right?

Wrong. So as I turned around, Mr F had the


In A Can...


In his hand and he's already dumped some of it in the drawer where I keep time-sheets and, for some reason, a spiral notebook that I didn't realize was in there until I looked at this picture:

And then had dumped the rest of the


In A Can...


on the floor of my office, which, I'm no herpetologist, but I'm reasonably sure is not good for any kind of flower.

Also, I know that a herpetologist studies snakes, but don't you think they'd probably know more about plants than a lawyer? It would be hard to know less about plants than most lawyers do, because lawyers only know about things they sue, and while once I learned a lot about classifying tomatoes because I represented a guy who was suing a tomato grower over the tomato grower's guarantee...

... that's a true story: Our client, who ran a produce business, claimed the tomatoes were guaranteed to be good and that they weren't, so he wanted his money back, but the tomato grower claimed the tomatoes weren't guaranteed, even though his company's slogan was "The only tomato with a guarantee," a slogan that was on a t-shirt from his company and that is the strange-but-true story about how I once marked a t-shirt as evidence at a deposition...

... where was I?

So: SCIENCE! Acting quickly, because I assume you are supposed to act quickly in an emergency, because people are always saying stuff like stat on shows about emergencies, I gathered up the Can of SCIENCE, and then carefully dumped the "let's-just-call-it-dirt" of SCIENCE from my time-sheets-box to the can:

And then scraped up as much of the rest of the dirt as I could, being careful to try to keep an eye out for the Poinsettia Seeds Of SCIENCE, which was difficult in that, remember, they are TINY, and also Mr F I think might have had them stuck to his bare feet, because lately Mr F has been taking his shoes and socks off once we get to the office.

Don't tell my staff.

This is as clean as I could get it:

And I had it all back in the drawer and cleaned up and then I went to brush off my hands and find Mr Bunches, only to come back and realize that Mr F had dumped it all out again.

I would show you pictures of the Great Dumping Out Of Science 2, 2, but trust me, it looked exactly like the Great Dumping Out Of Science 2, 1.

So I went through the same process, again, and this time put the


In A Can...


Into a different drawer:

But I did not move the note, to throw Mr F off the track, because for some reason Mr F hates SCIENCE!

Now, it's this week, not last week, and I checked the


In A Can...


And it appears to have not changed at all, although it's not moist anymore and so I'll have to water it I think. But things are not looking good for this experiment, and now I wish I had written that proposal for the billion-dollar research grant earlier, because this is going to be hard to put a positive spin on.

Still, SCIENCE marches on, and, as you know from Science 1, a/k/a, The Mummified Twinkie, it is important to make Observations, so here are my Observations of SCIENCE 2, so far:

1. I probably should have a lock on that drawer. It's kind of cool to have a locking drawer, now that I think of it. People in my office would be all "What do you suppose he's got in that locked drawer?" and I would drop a rumor (without them knowing I was spreading the rumor) that what was in the drawer was, say, Vince Lombardi's hand in a jar, which is probably a thing.

2. Can you prove that they did not cut of Vince Lombardi's hand and pickle it?

3. I didn't think so.

4. Why does Mr F hate SCIENCE?

5. Number 4 isn't really an observation at all. -2 points.

6. I probably should have tried harder to find the Chicken.


Grumpy Bulldog said...

You really need to station a bodyguard with all of your experiments.

anna. said...

i never really liked science until you started doing experiments. best of luck on your continuing saga this week. and maybe someday mr f. will learn to love science too.