Monday, June 04, 2012

Some people are just jerks. No, wait. ALL people are... (My Enemies List, 12)

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It's been a long time since I added to my Enemies List -- nearly a year -- but that's not for a lack of people to be enemies with, and I have finally gotten around to adding my newest enemy:

Person Immediately In Front Of Me In Traffic.

You know who you are, and you know that you are also responsible for what amounts to 92% of what little misery I have in my life, mostly by sucking my soul out of me on my way into work or my way home from it.

I'm not a dummy (?) and I know how traffic works: I know, for example, that while there is a car, or van, or usually some kind of ugly SUV with a jerkface driver in it being stupid, directly in front of me, I know that generally speaking there are vehicles in front of the Person Immediately In Front Of Me In Traffic.  Sometimes, I suspect, there are lots of vehicles in front of Person Immediately, etc. etc.

That doesn't help, and it doesn't in particular help you, PIIFOMIT, avoid my wrath and the responsibility for destroying my spirit.

Here's what happens, almost every time I get into traffic:  other people exist, and they exist right in front of me.

I'm not exaggerating -- other people do exist and the fact that they must do so directly in front of me destroys me, a little, inside, because when I get onto the road, and start driving, I always end up directly behind that other person -- possibly the SAME other person? Let's assume it is because I'd rather believe in that heart-wrenching coincidence than assume that all of humanity is out to destroy me (which they probably are) -- and when I get behind that person, that other person will do

all

kinds

of

crazy

things

Crazy things like hitting their brakes and stopping even though I can see the traffic lights and they are green so why are we stopping and now I've got coffee on my pants.

That person -- Person Immediately You Know The Rest -- will do things like slow down.  Or turn left.  THEY TURN LEFT, or attempt to despite the fact that turning left is the single most horrible action you can take (when directly in front of me in traffic)(or ever).

Person Immediately In Front Of Me In Traffic is never familiar with the city, and is only barely conversant with rules of the road.  He/She/They drive large cars or SUVs that prevent me from seeing what's going on ahead of them, which is why they must bear responsibility for my woes, that and because Person is stupid and annoying and probably listening to 93.7 FM and who listens to that My God this is so annoying.

[I should note: As I write this, it's 6:39 a.m. and I'm well-rested, so there's no reason I should be able to so easily get angry and sad.  It's just that when I began writing this, I began picturing Person and I got so mad, so dismayed, so ready to give up entirely on society and move to a deserted island except that I really want access to McDonald's cheeseburgers and do not want to have to fly them in that I began to channel the searing anger/sadness that I usually only feel after 2 minutes in traffic.  This is how I feel every time I have to drive, though, because I always end up behind Person Immediately In Front of Me In Traffic, and so you can pity me, because no matter where I am going, work, the park, home, the grocery store, McDonald's (mostly McDonald's), I arrive at my destination in a discombobulated state of madness brought on by random stops, people going under the speed limit, almost-lane-changes, and left-turn attempts that were then rescinded.]

When Person-and-so-forth does those things, I cannot tell, because Person is driving that large SUV, whether Person is doing them for a reason -- is there traffic ahead of Person? I don't know -- or whether Person has had a seizure, maybe, or whether Person is just a big stupid fathead who is laughing so hard at 93.7 FM THE MORNING SMASH that he forgot he was driving and just stopped dead to cram more doughnuts into his mouth before going to his stupid job where he will probably hurt people all day for no reason...

(I do not have a high opinion of Person and neither would you if you had to follow him everywhere.)

...and so I must blame Person, who has it coming anyway for being such a jerk, because all I see is Person and her dumb SUV.  If Person did not exist, I would not be stopping as she tried to turn left into the strip mall that isn't even open yet and doesn't have any good shops in it anyway -- why do you shop there, Person? You're just a jerk.  Or do you operate the Quilting Supply Store? MY GOD I HATE YOU -- and if Person did not exist, I would be able to see the traffic ahead of me and know why it was we are STOPPING AGAIN WHAT IS GOING ON IT'S NOT RIGHT THAT IT TAKES 37 MINUTES TO GO 7 MILES THIS IS WHY ROME CRUMBLED.

I'm going to lie down.

Person Immediately In Front Of Me In Traffic, you are on my list:

Other People Who've Already Made My Enemies List:


1. People who honk their horn.

2. Pepperoni pizza.

3. The 2008 Detroit Lions.

4. The guy who programmed my cell phone camera, etc. etc....


7. Anyone who ever turns left (except me.)

8. People who are just a little too serious about online "friendships."

9. Advertisers who think that the best way to sell something is to show how disgusting it sounds when people eat it.
Also 9 because I don't know how to number things: Patchy The Pirate.

10. People who want it "their way" at a restaurant.

 11.  Lady who knew what she was doing was wrong, buttried to justify it via a weird look on her face.
 

7 comments:

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

I hate that person, especially if they're in a freaking semi.

I'm surprised you haven't added whoever you were arguing with on Twitter to your Enemies list yet.

Ross said...

Peperonni Pizza? Come on. . .

Andrew Leon said...

Pepperoni pizza is one your enemy list? How can pizza, any kind of pizza, be on -your- enemy list? My world view just skewed a little more.

I hate driving... which is sad, because I used to love it.

I responded to all of your comments with math language. You may read it at your leisure.

Briane P said...

If you guys clicked that link you'd see why Pepperoni Pizza makes this list.

Andrew Leon said...

Well, I actually plane to do that, but I had to leave and didn't have time to read another post right then.

Liz said...

I know who you're talking about. That person annoys me no end.

Rusty Webb said...

What's funny is that person in front of you probably is one of those people that are always looking at you in their rear view mirror and not paying attention to what's going on in front of them.... hence all the slamming of brakes and such.

Go dark matter!