Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Look how smart I think I am! (Why I Hate People)

SOME PEOPLE... okay, ALL people... doubt my ability to know everything including the future and what will happen to everything and everyone.

To those skeptics, I say: EAT HOT MOON ROCK LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I meant to use exactly that many exclamation points.

FUNNY STORY: I almost wrote explanation point.  We need a punctuation mark to serve as an explanation point.  I will work on that as I write this.  MY MIND CAN DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE.

It can also predict things, as I started off saying, in the face of all that skepticism everybody throws at me all the time.  Specifically, it can predict when people will pay money to eat rocks.

Well nigh onto two months ago, I wrote on my now-abandoned blog about a dessert so decadent that I assume people who eat it will end up in Hell.  There'll be a link to it at the end of this post; don't worry if you didn't read it.  The important points of that piece were:

1. Rich people are stupid.
2. Rich people are gullible.
3. Rich people are horrible jerks who would rather spend thousands on a dessert because it has gold in it than actually do anything good for the world.

Also, I said, in a rebuttal comment on that post, that

Seems derivative. EVERYTHING has gold leaf on it now. I bet Little Caesar's has a gold-leaf pizza. You, Liz and I can do better. I read today that only about 220 pounds of Martian meteorite have ever been discovered on Earth. I think we should sell barbecued ribs sprinkled with Martian Meteorite Dust, at a price of roughly $1,000,000 per rib.
And now that I've said that, I'm 100% sure that someone somewhere is serving meteorite food already.
Either someone reads my blog -- let's assume they do and further assume that they now owe me royalties, or I am smarter than I think, which is considerable but let's assume that, too, because, this:

Celest-jewel-ale, 5% abv ...we brewed a traditional German Oktoberfest beer, with one not so traditional ingredient in particular; for us, brewing a simple homage to the Harvest Moon was not enough, so we took one giant leap for Mankind and added actual Moon Dust from the Moon’s surface to this seemingly regular brew.

THAT is the actual description of a brew available from the Dogfish Head restaurant, located... somewhere. I don't know. Their site is here.

The description goes on:

 We worked with ILC Dover, a local company that creates Space Suits for NASA, to get this incredibly rare and unique ingredient. Celest-jewel is an intergalactic ale brewed with German Malts, Hops, and sprinkle of Moon Dust, and fermented with our house Doggy yeast. The flavor is full of characteristic notes of doughy malt, toasted bread, and subtle caramel, with light herbal bitterness to round out the profile. Get this one of a kind ale while you can for a truly out of this world experience! The addition of little chunks of lunar meteorites, smashed into dust, then steeped as a tea and added late in fermentation to give this rich, malty beer a subtle but complex earthiness….well maybe not earthiness. These certified moon-jewels turned into lunar dust are made up primarily of minerals and salts, which are beneficial to the yeast-induced fermentation process. 

They say that it gives it a malty feel, but I doubt that because according to scientists, who might be able to be trusted if they weren't always making up stuff like Higgs Bosons and brontosauruseseseses, space smells like... a NASCAR race.

The final frontier smells a lot like a Nascar race—a bouquet of hot metal, diesel fumes and barbecue. The source? Dying stars, mostly. The by-products of all this rampant combustion are smelly compounds called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons. These molecules "seem to be all over the universe," says Louis Allamandola, the founder and director of the Astrophysics and Astrochemistry Lab at NASA Ames Research Center. "And they float around forever," appearing in comets, meteors and space dust. These hydrocarbons have even been shortlisted for the basis of the earliest forms of life on Earth. Not surprisingly, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons can be found in coal, oil and even food.

(Source).  Whereas the moon itself smells like the Second Amendment come to life.  Omega Ingredients, a fragrance maker, was asked to re-create space smells for NASA to help prepare astronauts for space stinks, and reports

"Recently we did the smell of the moon...Astronauts compared it to spent gunpowder."
So if you are looking for the perfect drink to wash down that too-expensive golden-showered sundae CHOICE OF WORDS DELIBERATE, consider blowing some dough on a gunpowder-y brew!

Also, never doubt how smart I am.  A guy opens his door and is told that a brewpub is making Meteor Beer based on his idea and you think that of me? I AM THE ONE WHO MAKES METEOR BEER.

Yes. I'm going to keep reworking that speech.


Here's what you'll be dining on in Hell: Read the original post here.

The Best Way To Prove 'Scientists' Are Making It Up: Read the original post here.


Pat Dilloway said...

This is the kind of stuff that answers the old question: what do you get for the man/woman who has everything? Moon beer!

I got a new idea: let's grind up dinosaur fossils into beer and we an call it Jurassic Brew or something like that. Genius!

Briane P said...

OH SNAP I wish I'd thought of that.

Andrew Leon said...

I saw that news bite, rolled my eyes, and went on. Because, you know, if everyone decides to eat rocks (or drink them), will you? What's that reference? If you haven't read it, you should.

And that is an awesome idea, GP. (That's what I'm calling Mr. Dilloway as of this moment: GP.)

Briane, you should make sure you go by and check out my Tuesday post (the Flash one that is probably dated as Monday).

Tina said...

Moon dust beer. BRILLIANT. I hope you're getting the royalties you so richly deserve! Really enjoyed this post, and the rampant sarcasm. Sarcasm is an awesome superpower to have.
Tina @ Life is Good

Liz A. said...

How safe, really, is it to ingest gold, moon dust, rock, what-have-you? It can't be good for you, right?

A Beer For The Shower said...

As a beer lover, I would... probably never try this beer. It's just guaranteed to taste horrible. I mean, all of these gimmicky drinks always taste horrible. I had a friend who splurged on Johnnie Walker Gold because it's actually brewed with a bit of gold leaf. And guess what? It still tastes like paint thinner. Gold infused paint thinner. No amount of gold and moon rocks and water from Mars will make a drink taste pleasant.

Margo Dill said...

I can't ingest the moon. It goes against everything I believe. I am a moon hugger--kind of like a tree hugger--but bigger.

Briane P said...

Beer: "Gold, moon rocks and water from Mars" was actually the original recipe for "Mr Pibb."

Liz: Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stupider.

Tina: I only have my powers of sarcasm under a yellow sun.

Andrew: I don't get why he's GP?

Margo: You might like the theme I'm developing in the horror stories I write on my blog, 'lit,' where The Moon is rapidly becoming a major player in the cosmos.

Andrew Leon said...

He's Grumpy Pat.
Because he keeps changing his name.
Or something.