Tuesday, November 19, 2013

To The Bomb Shelters, Everyone! (Updates On Civilization)

With Civilization surviving Miley Cyrus -- just barely

*shudders, remembers how we all had to huddle in the doorways of abandoned skyscrapers as tumbleweeds blew past driven by the fiery winds of a scorched Earth roamed by half-men, crazed by the loss of innocence, wielding nicked swords fashioned from sharpened fenceposts, children crying as they were mowed down by herds of saber-toothed tigers, all because someone twerked on TV...*

*in my fan fiction at least*

Where was I? Oh, yeah: Civilization barely got past Twerkgate, and without even a chance to catch our breath and hope that Burger King's new McRib knockoff inspires a fake-rib-sandwich war like the glorious $5 Pizza Battles of 2007, we...

*takes a moment to stop drooling*

Let's get on with this. Here is the latest

Threat To Civilization As We Know It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!

...men's boxers:

That is a K-Mart commercial, and lest you miss what is so incredibly disturbing about it that I probably should have burned the Internet before I showed it to you, let me quote from Huffington Post's article about this ad:

The men squat down and begin shaking their booties to the song "Jingle Bells." The typical interpretation of their actions is that the men's testicles are swinging in their shorts, thus creating the bell sounds.

"[T]he typical interpretation of their action..." SO, question 1:

What's wrong with me? I watched that and thought the joke was that they had put the bells in their pants.  I mean, I get it: bells, so veeeeeeeeery close to... HECK I'LL SAY IT:


I mean I get it but I didn't think that the junk was making the sounds.  As such, this commercial for me didn't portend the end of civilization so much as just continue to demonstrate that I am a social pariah.

The commercial has been branded "brash, ugly," and " disgustingly uncaring," (all by the same person), and it's that last one that really got me wondering the following wonderments:

1. Is it possible that until this commercial, K-Mart did care about... stuff?
2. What does the commercial demonstrate K-Mart doesn't care about?
3. Could it be that Testicular  Bells is a real condition and the commenter is disgusted by K-Mart's cavalier attitude towards this heartrending syndrome?
4.  How awesome is it that I managed to come up with "Testicular Bells?"

You all know what I'm talking about, right?

That song is not actually called "Tubular Bells," but if you listen to it, Snape says "And... tubular bells," which is totally awesome and if you listen to the song you have to pantomime hitting a tubular bell when they actually hit them.   TRY IT, IT'S FUN.

I got a little distracted there again.  Anyway, civilization is dying, etc. etc. pretty soon hyenas will dine on our sun-scorched bones, etc etc you get the drift.


Pat Dilloway said...

I thought they should call that commercial Jingle Balls since obviously that's what it is.

I guess KMart needs to do something to remind people they still exist. It's probably been six months since I went to a KMart and that was mostly to use the restroom.

Tina said...

OMG, now I had a beverage...(read comment at Me, Annotated to understand this comment better). Now I have part of a beverage, and a newly cleaned screen.
What will they complain about next? I've NEVER shopped at a K-Mart, and I don't plan to as the one in our town closed (apparently others felt as I did, which was nothing in the ads was ever available, there were no people working who could even tell me where a DEPARTMENT was, nor what department my item SHOULD be located in...so I never ended up buying anything on that trip and never went back.)
I think there are worse things happening in our society that we should worry about. Squirrelmageddon, for example. Ok, fine, I'll give you the link...
And to further prove the point of the post, there are no less than EIGHT squirrels on my back porch. All acting non-squirrel like...
Tina @ Life is Good

Margo Dill said...

People in Panera Bread now think I'm crazy. I was laughing so hard at this post that tears are running down on my cheeks right now.

At least the hyenas are not here yet.

They might soon be in St. Louis because Miley Cyrus and her twerking are coming to one of our biggest concert venues this winter, and I was wondering WHO BUYS TICKETS TO GO SEE HER?

But if civilization is ending because of Testicular bells, then I guess it makes sense that Miley Cyrus could fill a stadium--maybe with hyenas.

Crystal Collier said...

My head is spinning. Do they seriously put that kind of stuff on TV these days? And it's a wonder we shut off cable 10 years ago... Not sure that's the kind of ad I want my innocent 8 yr old accidentally viewing. ;)

Briane P said...


Kmart doesn't exist around here. I was shocked to find out it's still a thing.


Send the bill for that screen cleaning/beverage to PT. He's an accountant. He'll move some money around.

I'm going to check out your post next because it sounds like you and I are on the same page re: squirrels.


Those Panerans! So judgy! But I would evacuate St. Louis right away. If you leave this hemisphere you MIGHT be safe. But I would try moving to Counter-Earth.


You and I will have to agree to disagree, I guess -- but at least you didn't declare it the end of the world.

Andrew Leon said...

I'm not worried about civilization. People used to gouge each other's eyes out to make bells, so a bunch of guys shaking their stuff together like that to make music is practically heartwarming.

Liz A. said...

It was Christmas season sometime in the late '90s. My father, my brother, and I were wandering through a neighborhood that called itself "Jingle Bell Lane" or something similar. The whole block had gone ALL OUT on their decor.

We spent our walk discussing the fall of our civilization. Our example was what we were looking at.

We had so many questions. Do potential home buyers know about the Christmas crazy when they buy in in June? What does it say about us as a people to put up all those lights? How long does one spend figuring out how to decorate one's house?

Our civilization fell some time ago.

I don't watch commercials anymore. That's what DVRs are for. But I happened to catch a glimpse of this one while jumping through, just a second of it, and my mind exploded. They put THAT on broadcast TV?

It was good for a laugh.

Briane P said...


I spent HOURS trying to think up a funny way to comment on what had to be gouged out to make those bells, and finally decided against even bringing it up.



They really SHOULD disclose that kind of stuff when you buy a house. I would not like it at all if I had to DO it. I don't mind seeing other people do major Xmas decorating, but it took all my effort & skill last year to put up our Inflatable Rudolph and the Three Drunken Reindeer.

Suzi said...

Gotta admit, that clip made me laugh, but knowing it's a Kmart commercial does not. If it were some stupid internet parody, great, but not something I really want my kids to see.

Kmart's been pushing the limits on their ads lately. I think most of them are online ads, but still. Guess they're trying to be cool.