Wednesday, April 22, 2009
It's only a matter of time until they learn to talk and form a great civilization based on holding things together (The Great Ranking of Problems!)
I keep all my paperclips in a little, weird coffee cup on my desk. I've got both big and small paperclips in there. I never touch the coffee cup, or the paper clips, unless I need a paperclip, in which case I pick up just one. Just one at a time.
Yet, despite all those elaborate precautions, every paperclip in that cup is somehow linked to every other paperclip in that cup, sometimes two or three or four combined in one, so that when I want to clip papers together, I've got to go through this elaborate unwinding process to try to get a clip.
And I have identified the cause of this problem. Since it's physically impossible for inanimate objects to link themselves together, I have concluded that it is now scientifically proven that (a) paperclips are sentient, and (b) they do not want to be separated. Which now makes me feel guilty that I have, all my life, been separating paperclip families, breaking up paperclip homes, tormenting paperclip moms and dads and kids, and otherwise being a horrible person to paperclips.
I will add this to the Great Ranking Of Problems at:
413: Guilt Over Meanness To Sentient Paperclips
The picture shown here is the World's Record Longest Paperclip chain, according to this site.
99: Spousal PB&J Incompatibility.
173: Preshoveling & reshoveling snow.
502: Having to wait forever, seemingly, for Italian food to cool down.
. . .
721: Printer not holding a lot of paper at once.
2,624: Unidentifiable Mystery Song Stuck In Head.
5,000: Lopsided Nail Clipping.
. . .
15,451: Almost napping.
14,452: Worrying that there's too much peanut brittle leftover to eat before it goes bad.
22,372: Having hair which isn't quite a definable color.
22,373: Having too many songs on an iPod