Saturday, January 23, 2010

Women like what, now? (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 46)

Two quick follow-ups from last week's Hunk before we present the 45th Hunk of the Week.

1. Last night, I got Sweetie to rap
4 words of Bust A Move before she quit and walked away. And I didn't have tape rolling. I even tried to encourage her by rapping the entire wedding part myself, in what might have been my finest moment, but she wouldn't do it.

2. Petri Dish suggested that Sweetie should have chosen someone named "Christiano Ronald" and Sweetie acted like she didn't know who that was, but then last night she also showed me a picture in one of her celebrity magazines. "Who's that?" I asked, and she said "It's Christiano, the guy suggested by Petri Dish last week."

You know what I got out of that exchange? Sweetie is on a first-name basis with "Christiano."

On to the 45th Hunk of The Week:

Reggie Bush!

Don't stop reading. This isn't the sports post that nobody ever reads. That comes tomorrow. This is about Hunkiness:

He's the one on the right.

You Don't Know Him Without: You could know Reggie Bush one of two, or three ways, or even four ways, maybe. If you're a sports fan alive in the world today, then you probably have heard about Reggie Bush playing for the Saints and doing quite well in their playoff game last week. If you're a sports fan who was alive in the world a couple years back, then you probably heard about Reggie Bush playing for USC in the National Championship game against Texas -- a game his team lost and a game in which he didn't play particularly well.

If, on the other hand, you are not a sports fan, but are a fan of investigations into college football athletes getting paid and universities getting sanctioned and their head coaches moving on to coach the Seattle Seahawks for a while (coaching the Seattle Seahawks is the sports-world's equivalent of going to the mattresses), then you may have heard about Reggie Bush in connection with allegations that he was paid while attending USC -- some people allege that Bush got as much as $100,000 in "gifts" while he was there, and those allegations continue to dog USC, which is why (people say) the USC coach headed for the hills of... whatever state Seattle is in. Idaho, I think.

But, if you're not a fan of any of those things and you are instead a fan of "reality" shows featuring people who appear to do nothing except be on reality shows, and who also associate with noted "Girls Gone Wild" producer/child abuser Joe Francis, then you might also have heard of Reggie Bush, as he's dating Kim Kardashian, star of her own reality show (titled "Not The Girls Next Door, But That Other Show About Those Other Girls")

This is true: If you Google Reggie Bush, it's almost
impossible to find a picture of him that
DOESN'T have Kim Kardashian lurking around.

Sweetie, by the way, doesn't just think that Reggie Bush is a hunk; Sweetie thinks Kim Kardashian is pretty. I don't agree. Let's examine the evidence in support of Sweetie's argument:

Now, let's examine the evidence in support of my side:

Also, I always think that Kim Kardashian looks as though she might smell like salami.

Anyway, the odds are that you probably know who Reggie Bush is.

Reggie Bush isn't just the hunk of the week, though. Reggie also factored into the other discussion Sweetie and I had last night. We didn't just sit around trying to get each other to rap, you know. We also do productive things, like going to Walgreen's to buy crayons for Mr Bunches, or talking about which celebrity category outranks which other celebrity category in terms of status and desirability. Which leads me into...

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: This is ordinarily the part where I'd put some video up of the person singing, or mention something potentially embarrassing about the Hunk, or maybe see if his picture is on underwear for sale on eBay -- once you start hunting for underwear sales on eBay, it's almost impossible to stop doing that -- but the only non-football video I could find of Reggie was this one:

And that's not embarrassing at all. I don't even know why that video exists. But when I see things like that, and the pictures the paparazzi take of celebrities, I have a secret, gnawing desire to be a paparazzi.

Imagine that job: Your job is to follow around celebrities and take pictures of them. Every picture you see of some celebrity in a bikini:

Like this:

Or this:

Was taken by someone whose job was to be there, on that beach, with a celebrity, taking pictures of them. Someone who doesn't have to wear a tie, or deal with office managers refusing to get them a wall calendar because "it's all supposed to be on computers now" or find out that they have 77 emails since lunch. Someone whose job it is to walk around in shorts, a t-shirt, and sandals, and take pictures of girls in bikinis.

Yeah. Think about that the next time you go into the office. I know I do.

So: The hierarchy of celebrities, as Sweetie and I discussed them last night. Sweetie brought up again the subject of who's the reacher and who's the settler in a relationship, as brought up on How I Met Your Mother last week.

(If you don't get all your relationship advice and theories from a sitcom, I think you're doing things wrong and are risking trouble in your marriage. Sweetie and I used to base most of our relationship on The King of Queens, but we got tired of that. Now we use a lot of How I Met Your Mother, with, somewhat alarmingly, a little bit of The New Adventures of Old Christine thrown in.)

(In our relationship, I pointed out, I'm the reacher, something she claims isn't true but she claims that in the same voice she uses to say things like "I like a man with a little meat on his bones," so you know she's not being totally truthful.)

Sweetie asked, in the Tom Brady-Gisele Bundchen relationship who the reacher and who the settler were, and I answered immediately: Tom = Reacher.

This is here because if you put a
picture of Gisele Bundchen on your blog
you will make that post the most popular
one you've ever written. Try it.

Sweetie wondered about my claim, so I had to remind her of the Hierarchy of Celebrity Fame/Fortune/Desirability:

1. Good-looking, Oscar-winning movie stars.
2. Other movie actors.
3. High-profile, good-looking TV actors.
4. Supermodels.
5. Other TV actors.
6. Good-looking, super-well known reality show/news-type stars.
7. Athletes.
8. Rock stars.
9. Other reality show/news-type stars.

Note that the Hierarchy has nothing to do with personality: It's based solely on looks, power and likelihood of being rich. So, in terms of desirability, Jennifer Aniston is a Level 3; George Clooney is a Level One. So is Tom Cruise: Crazy doesn't factor in. Conan O'Brien is a Level 9. So's Jimmy Fallon.

Also note that "Rock stars" include all musicians, and there's no way to move up no matter how famous you get or how many records you sell or how good-looking you are. Your stuck, Chris Martin.

Kim Kardashian falls into Level 6, or 9, depending on whether you go along with Sweetie's crazy notions.

Tom Brady, you can see, then, reached 3 levels to date a supermodel.

That was what I explained to Sweetie last night, and she debated a couple parts of it, but you know, as you read that list, I'm absolutely right. And I proved it to Sweetie by asking her this question:

"Oldest comes to you and says 'I won't name them, but I've got a movie actor and an athlete who both want to date me. Who should I pick?' Who would you tell her to date, just based on that?" And Sweetie said, "Well, the movie star." Which proves my point: Movie stars > athletes.

Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian factored into that, and are the Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him feature mostly because, honestly, I've got nothing much else to say about Reggie Bush, and because they also pose an interesting question: Is Reggie the reacher or settler in their relationship?

The answer is: trick question! It's a fake relationship made up for their TV show. There's no way anyone would put up with Kim Kardashian for more than a few minutes for anything other than their career.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: I don't really have to guess at this one. Remember that each week Sweetie picks out the Hunk and makes a picture of the Hunk the desktop background on our home computer, so that every morning I'm greeted with a vision of what Sweetie thinks is hot that week (and rarely is that vision anything like "Me in the morning," wearing my pajamas and old t-shirt and hair sticking out at random angles).

This is the picture Sweetie put up this week:

I didn't know who that was until I asked her -- how should I know what a football player looks like without his helmet on? -- but I knew instantly why she liked Reggie: abs. It's why every woman likes every man, deep down inside. I've pointed it out before in reviewing these Hunks, over and over and over: Women like abs. Forget money, power, hair, sense of humor, stability, all the junk women will recite by rote when they say what they look for in a man, and just remember this:

Women. Like. Abs.

That's why nearly a year ago I embarked on my quest to cement my relationship with Sweetie by getting abs of my own -- doing sit-ups in the morning several times a week, and sometimes exercising on the trampoline we have in the basement, the one Mr F will bounce on for hours. Mr F has awesome abs -- seriously, he does, especially for a three-year-old -- and I decided that if the jumping worked for his abs, it'd work for mine.

It hasn't worked yet: My abs still look a lot less like Reggie Bush's and a lot more like a souffle that was accidentally spilled into my pants, but I'm sure eventually I'll have a washboard stomach.

Hidden behind three inches of "Dorit0-based fat."

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: When I asked her that, she looked at me and said:

"Seriously? I'm not even going to give you an answer, because I think you can guess. Just look at his picture."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him:

Women. Like. Abs.

Take it to the bank.


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