Monday, August 15, 2016

Update On Parents

There is a website called "UrbanBaby."

It gets worse. I learned about this site from a Hamilton Nolan article on Gawker, in which he shared that a mom recently asked whether it was possible for her son to have friends even though they were only going to live in a 1,600-square-foot house.

So I went and looked at some general questions that are so urgent, and yet unsolvable, for the kind of parents that post on "UrbanBaby." Real actual questions like:

Need to Name baby dd before I leave hospital. What girl name have you always liked, wished you used or heard recently? I don't like anything too crazy (kaymden) or too classic (Elizabeth) though "bit classic" is fine (like Helena). Sorry for sounding crazy, please help out.

OK first, "dd" is one of the common abbrevs on UrbanBaby, as is "dc". They mean, respectively, "dear daughter" and "dear child." So this woman literally said "Need to Name baby dear daughter..." These are people who want you to know their child is dear to them, yet not so dear that they can spare the extra time to type that out.

Secondly, is kaymden a name?

Thirdly, what kind of criteria are those? Names you always liked, or wished you used or heard recently? "Hey, is there like a classic name that you think would be awesome for a kid? No? Well, have you heard any names recently that I could use?"

Here is how the response started for Ms. Kaymden:

Why do you need to name her before you leave? We did for DS then changed it a week later. If you really need ideas, how about Helen, Ellen, Jane, Maria. Hard to know if you have any naming constraints with last name or other sibs. Congrats on the baby! 

Yeah why do you need to name dd before you leave the hospital?  Or even right away? Maybe you don't name dd until she enters preschool at Yale University at age 2, after you do a survey of the other dc's enrolled to make sure dd doesn't have a name even remotely like anyone else's. Maybe you never name her.  *gasps, rushes to trademark concept of not naming kids.*  I think they should name the kid Soda. or Bisquick.

But maybe you are thinking well there's no rush to name him, either, you certainly don't need to before you leave the hospital, it's not like it's a law or anything.

Ms. Kaymden responded:

Op. Thanks! Need name for ssn I was told. Hyphenated last name, American

If there is one thing that will not stand on a board like this, it is an opinion that contradicts another opinion. BabyNameLawyer shot back:

Must you?

Which gave poor Ms. Kaymden the vapors:

Please don;t do this.

Sorry Ms. Kaymden it is for your own good:

They tell you this, but in reality you can wait and file the paperwork yourself. I was so upset when I heard this, because I needed more time. Take your time, but there are some great names listed here! Congratulations!

Congratulations! On your baby! Or possibly on the great names you have to choose from! Or perhaps simply on learning that "THEY" cannot make you DO THINGS RIGHT NOW.

Now for some comic relief! Ssome sort of interloper from like Twitter or something shows up:

You had 9 months wtf. In the end it's not that big a deal 

NOT. THAT. BIG. A. DEAL. Who are you even? What you name your baby is CLEARLY. THE. MOST. SIGNIFICANT. DECISION. YOU. WILL. EVER. MAKE. YOUR BABY IS A REFLECTION OF YOU and if people see a Paul or a Donna walking around with your surname you MIGHT. AS. WELL. DIE.  Quick someone jump in and talk some sense for God's sake

Claire, or Clare would be perfect

Thank god that was close. Wait, though, I don't think we've resolved all the thorny legal issues

You don't have to apply for a SSN for your kid until they earn income

Is it possible that someone else on has some slight knowledge of tax or government law?

You need it if you're using them for a tax deduction.

Well, that settles that. *Brushes hands briskly* Wait what?

This is incorrect

Can't debate that kind of solid argument, but could someone give me a more concrete example? Like did someone give birth in Soviet Russia?

They made me lock name before I could be released. 

OK but still there's got to be a more expensive complicated solution here, right? Right?

easy to change the first year

No problem-o, as the help probably says. Just give your kid whatever old name you have to in order to sneak him past the Imperial Guards at Maternity Central, then hire a lawyer, file the paperwork, take out an ad in the paper, appear before a judge, re-do the birth certificate, and EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.  But hey what happened to that Twitter guy?

Dumb. Just pick a name. 

I swear to God that's not me posting. But I like him. I'm assuming it's a him. It's a him. But, guys, ladies, DHs and DWs and DSOs, things are not that simple or we would not need

 I named dd before we the left hospital because my dh and I are terrible at paperwork- we were afraid she would be "Baby Girl Last Name" on her college applications. 

You know one day you're going home with DD and totally planning on giving her a name and all but then things happen, you had to go get those heirloom tomato seeds at the flea market for Bonnie The Gardener to plant and then there was Book Club and it's not like you ever interact with DD until she lets you help pay for her wedding so these things are easy to lose track of.  I started to suspect that "dd" and "ds" were not actually abbreviations. Perhaps these posters had simply forgotten their kids' names.

What follows after that is about two pages of the whitest possible names you can imagine, including "Ardith," "Bronwyn," "Theodora," "Anais," and more.

I know you are dying to know what the poster picked, and I will tell you:



She picked Agatha.


Four lines after Ms. Kaymden Agatha picked that name, one person couldn't help herself and put up this whole list:

Evelyn Elaine Juliette Ava Eva Aria Fiona Vanessa Bridgette Susanna Sadie Tressia Raquel Katherine Bianca Violet Julia Simone Naomi Nina Willow 

I would pay all the money I have on my desk ($28) to have Ms. Kaymden name her kid every one of those.

But she picked AGATHA folks we're all done here so long drive safe

Christelle Cecily Cadence Christiane Josephine Sylvie Yvonne Valentina Valencia Veronique Zara Natalia 


Constance Harmony 

Done here! SO LONG THANKS! I picked the name like ages ago!


absolutely not. pretty awful.

like your initial instinct of Helena.
Love : )
India, Karrena, Erica 

Somewhere in Connecticut, after this thread closed, a thousand lonely women went to their open bedroom windows, stared up at a starry quiet sky, and chanted baby names long into the night. Sated, they fell into a sleep that lasted a hundred years, and when they awoke, the heirloom tomatoes were in full bloom.

1 comment:

Andrew Leon said...

I'm with the "you had nine months" comment. Seriously, it's not like a surprise when you go to the hospital to have a baby. It's not like they spring it on you, "Oh, by the way, you're having a baby and need to pick a name. Today."

You know, George Foreman named all of his sons George. And his daughter was Georgina or something.