Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cheesburgers have pickles on them. Deal with it. (My Enemies List.)

10. People who "want it their way" at a restaurant.

The other day, I stopped off at Panera to get the Sweetie special -- a frozen mango drink and a piece of cake.

The "frozen mango" drink has three ingredients: mango slush, some strawberry syrup, and whipped cream.

In the past, whenever I tried to order the "frozen mango," which is what it's called on the menu, the Panera employees would ask me if I really meant the "mango smoothie," which is a totally different item on the menu. They've stopped that now, but they've started annoying me in a new way, as they did this Sunday: asking if I actually want all the ingredients in my food.

That is, when I ordered the "frozen mango," they asked me "Do you want the whipped cream on that?"

This is new to me, but not rare. When I go to McDonald's, they ask "Do you want whipped cream" on my shakes, and more and more when I go anyplace, they ask me Do you want this or that or the other thing on whatever it is I've ordered.


When I go to a chain restaurant -- which is pretty much the only kind of place I go to eat out -- I expect to get the standard item. When I order a Big Mac, I expect twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun.

That's the way it's made. That's standard issue.

I understand that some people don't want everything that usually comes on the sandwich, but those people are (a) too needy and (b) wrong. If you don't want a burger the way McDonald's wants to make it, don't eat at McDonald's. McDonald's burgers come with ketchup, mustard, pickles, and onions. Deal with it. Don't special order one with extra mustard but no onions. If you want a burger with non onions and extra mustard, either make one yourself, or find a restaurant that serves burgers that way.

Because what you've done, you have it your wayers, is put the burden on me to justify and explain my order. Now everything -- EVERYTHING -- is special ordered. Everywhere I go I've got to give detailed descriptions of what I want. I go to the movies, I've got to tell them whether I want a lot of ice or a little ice, whether I want salt and butter on my popcorn, butter in the middle, salt in the middle. I've got to specify that I want fries, not apples, and milk, not soda, with the Babies!' Happy Meals.

I just want to order my food the way it's supposed to be made. Why can't we just assume, when I say "cheeseburger" that I want the cheeseburger the way it's set out on the menu, and put the burden on the have-it-your-wayers to specify that they don't want it the regular, normal way?

So thanks, people who feel that they have to prove to the world how unique you are by making sure that the chicken sandwich they order at Wendy's has "half-lettuce, half arugula" or whatever. You've made my life harder because you have an inferiority complex.

People Who've Already Made My Enemies List:

1. People who honk their horn.
2. Pepperoni pizza.
3. The 2008 Detroit Lions.
4. The guy who programmed my cell phone camera, etc. etc....
5. The guy whose house I'm stalking.
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