Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I'm a Smart Cookie? (Thinking The Lions)

I happened to page down a little on Michael Offutt, Ritz Cracker Aficionado's blog, SLC Kismet, when I went there for my daily reading, which is a good thing because Michael Offutt, Sous Chef, praised me, and in doing so justified again my ultra-high opinion of myself:

That took me seventeen hours. And I don't know how I turned the background black, but it looks kind of cool, right? Like a Pink Floyd album cover.

Anyway, because I accidentally paged down to read old blog entries, I saw that Michael Offutt, Leftenant had nominated me for something called a "Smart Cookie" award:

Which by some social contract I don't understand because I'm not really fit to live in society obligates me to say and do things now, and so I will say and do those things.

The first thing I'm supposed to say and do is "Thank the award giver and link back to him within my post."


Glitter Text Graphics - http://www.sparklee.com

sparkle - http://www.sparklee.com

You can read more by Michael Offutt, Secret Offspring of Clara Peller, at his blog.

Then I'm supposed to "Share 4 little known facts on anything," which is a tough assignment because it's not like I go around gathering up little known information and then boring Sweetie with it at dinner.

I choose to share four little known facts about... snack foods! Sit in amazement as you learn that...

(17*): Potato Chips were created out of spite! Which is the best reason for doing everything. According to this website which seems totally legit because it has an all-red background,

In the summer of 1853, Native American George Crum was employed as a chef at an elegant resort in Saratoga Springs, New York. One dinner guest found Crum's French fries too thick for his liking and rejected the order. Crum decided to rile the guest by producing fries too thin and crisp to skewer with a fork. The plan backfired. The guest was ecstatic over the browned, paper-thin potatoes, and other diners began requesting Crum's potato chips.

That site also notes that George Crum sometimes went by the name "George Speck," which naturally brings us to:

(Brown): Pringles are made from slurry! Yum! IO9, which is one of the things I'm reading when I'm not watching television because I really don't watch all that much television**, reports that

Instead of shaving bits off of a potato and deep frying them, the company starts with a slurry of rice, wheat, corn, and potato flakes and presses them into shape. So these potato chips aren't really potato at all. The snack-dough is then rolled out like a sheet of ultra-thin cookie dough and cut into chip-cookies by a machine. The cut is complete enough that the chips are fully free of the extra dough, which is lifted away from the chips by a machine.
Imagine the time, effort, and money that went into creating a machine that would lift away the excess dough created by cutting out perfect Pringles every time. Then imagine if we'd put that time and money and effort into not having the 37th best educational system in the world. Then get depressed. Then go eat some Pringles, and cheer up! Yay for US!

You can watch Pringles get made on this video, which for some reason cannot be embedded into other sites because old people don't understand how the Internet works.

But the real point of all this is that

(3A.) Your kid could be making you rich just by being himself: In our house, Mr F and Mr Bunches rarely eat anything but snack foods, not because they're learning by example... okay, because of that exactly, but that's okay because they could earn $30-40 per hour from people who want to know what kids think about snack foods. So if you thought your kids had to have talent to put them to work, think again, and I will be leaving work early to sneak Mr Bunches and Mr F away from Sweetie, because a world of Getting Paid To Eat Foods awaits us, and that world is one I want to live in, which brings me to the final previously-unknown fact about snack foods:

(1st): Snack food makers are just making fun of you, now: I give you, the Slim Chip:

You may not know it to look at them, but those chips are weaponized irony in blueberry form. The maker's website says that "Slim Chips" are a

paradoxical product that plays with weapons like irony and nonsense thus leaving the interpretation to the bravest consumers.

I have never eaten a snack food that requires my interpretation, so finding out that I must now be aware of the meta-implications of a Dorito was quite a shock,but not as shocking as what a Slim Chip actually is. Again, from the people who sell these:

Slim Chips is an experiment around alternative types of snack food. The consumption of junk food is very often associated to habits and social rituals that help interrupt the flow of routinary daily activiLinkties more than to the hunger impulse. The basic ingredient here is edible paper, almost nutritionless. Don’t get fat, just eat nothing.
It's like eating tasty air, available in mint flavour, blueberry, cheddar or wasabi.

I believe that's a haiku. The Slim Chips people also have "growing jewelry," which I now want, and sell something called "Blod Berg," which appears to be a thyme-flavored soft drink. Perfect for washing down your paper snacks!

And now you know why I never get anything done at work.

I now have to name other Smart Cookies, which I will do as follows and for the following reasons:

Grumpy Bulldog, because he is superbusy right now and trying to kick road rage at the same time, so this ought to give him something to be mad about.

Heather Arundel, who blogs at My Demon Spirits, because I am not above sucking up to her to try to win her contest even though I blatantly broke the rules. Rules are for suckers. And societies, true, but mostly for suckers.

Anna And Her Sisters, who blog at "Every Day Is Awesome!" because every day really is awesome, especially if you read their blog.

Joy Mom, who blogs at Elvis Sightings, because she's thoughtful and mentions Elvis right in her blog title.

Tim Morrissey, who blogs at "Rifles At Dawn," because he makes his living writing and I therefore find it amusing to distract him from that the way my blogging distracts me from making a living.


Joshua Cejka, because he just started up a blog and needs stuff to put on it, and because maybe in return he'll delete that comment that posted before me and we can all pretend I really was the first-ever commenter on his blog.

In closing, let me just add that I love this picture and have made it my desktop on my work computer.

* I'm no longer giving into Western Civilization's too-restrictive list methods. I'll number lists anyway I want to, and you're not the boss of me, Western Civilization.

**Aren't people who say that really a bunch of jerks? I mean, except me, because I really don't watch all that much television. But everyone else who says that, yeah. They're jerks.


Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

That award sounds like too much work. Also, I don't research anything. Ever.

I wonder if edible paper tastes better than edible panties? now that's something to research...

Heather said...

Oh hell! Thanks for the smart cookie award, but I hope I got it for more than bribery purposes! ;) also, thank you for the exceedingly meaningful information, I've decided I will only get my news from your blog and tweets; you are a hell of a lot more interesting than the jokers at 11pm.

Andrew Leon said...

I already knew that about your first one, so does that invalidate your list? Not because it should, because it was just supposed to be "little known" facts, but you seemed to be presenting your list as "unknown facts," but, since I knew it, doesn't that make your list not work or something?

Joshible said...

Woohoo!!! I'm a smart cookie! What comment? I didn't see nuthin. As far as i know you were the first commentererer.

JoyMama said...

Have finally managed to acknowledge the award in a blogpost -- if only to declare once again that I only do awards if and when I feel like it. Still and all, being known as a smart-cookie does have its feel-good aspect! So, thanks!