When last we left our intrepid hero, Smith Jenkins, he'd... um... Was it Jenkins Smith? I can't remember. Anyway, Smith Jenkins was last seen rebelling against... what was the other guy's name? Did have a name? I don't know. Let's get on with the story.
Scene: A starship, drifting through interstellar space, alone. The camera moves towards the ship until we can see and hear, somehow, inside the bridge.
MAN: That sure is a lot of interstellar space out there.
OTHER MAN: There's, like, zillions of it.
MAN: What are we supposed to do now?
OTHER MAN: I don't know. [Shrugs] Hang out? Fly somewhere?
Man sits down at the computer console and begins tapping stuff and clicking things.
OTHER MAN: What are you doing?
MAN: I'm googling this to see where we left off years ago on this series of barely-disguised advertisements tarted up as some sort of parody of a space opera.
OTHER MAN: You're using the naviteleporter to google stuff?
MAN: Hey, you used the in-ship artificial intelligence to try to buy Facebook stock.
OTHER MAN: That was important! I wanted to be rich.
MAN: What good does money do in interstellar space? If you need stuff, why not just check out All Free Samples, where you can find links to and lists of free stuff ranging from free ice cream to free t-shirts to free, probably everything!
OTHER MAN: Tell me more about this All Free Samples.
MAN waves him over: Look. Here, I'll short-circuit the naviteleporter and we can use the full screen.
THERE IS A FLASH OF ARCING ELECTRICITY AND THE SHIP'S LIGHTS BRIEFLY FLICKER ON AND OFF.
OTHER MAN: That's probably not great.
MAN: Forget it. Check this out. You can get free weight loss pills through this website, and even free perfume samples,
OTHER MAN: What would I need perfume samples for? It's just us two on this ship... are you coming on to me?
MAN: Maybe I would be, if you'd lose some weight. There may not be any gravity in interstellar space, but that just means those love handles float freely.
OTHER MAN: I see. And how would we get these free samples?
MAN: That's the beauty of it -- you can get a lot of free samples by mail, so just by going there you'll find all this free stuff and you can have a party in your mailbox every day!
THEY BOTH LOOK WISTFULLY OUT AT THE EMPTY, COBWEB-RIDDEN MAILBOX AT THE END OF ONE WING OF THEIR SPACESHIP. THEIR SPACESHIP HAS WINGS, BY THE WAY. THAT'S PROBABLY NOT IMPORTANT BUT THEY LOOK COOL.
OTHER MAN: Okay, sign me up.
THERE IS A LOUD CRASH FROM THE DOOR TO THE BRIDGE, AND A BOOMING VOICE SAYS:
SIGN US ALL UP!
THE TWO MEN TURN AND SEE JENKINS SMITH STANDING IN THE ENTRYWAY TO THE BRIDGE, THE MANGLED, BROKEN DOOR AT HIS FEET.
MAN: Sir, you're back!
OTHER MAN: And, for some reason, you're 9 feet tall, and plaid-skinned.
SMITH JENKINS: Also, I'm very angry with you two.
1 comment:
This is the kind of thing I imagine Douglas Adams would have written if he had been in advertising.
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