Sunday, August 08, 2010

Metaphorical Petes are the worst. (My Enemies List, 9)

9. Advertisers who think that the best way to sell something is to show how disgusting it sounds when people eat it.

There are no new ideas in advertising, any more than there are new ideas in literature. All new ads simply recycle old ad ideas, which is why now that the UPS whiteboard guy is pretty much gone, we get that heartburn guy drawing on his chest.

And which is also why, about 1 or 2 times a year, some advertising executive has an "idea" that must go something like this:

"Man, I'm really under deadline on this. Why did I stay out so late last night? I mean, sure that chick was hot but I could've just gotten her number. Oh, God, I'm so hung over. What is Pete eating over there, pretzels made out of celery soup? This is disgusting. Close your $($&%$ mouth when you chew, Pete. Okay, focus, focus, focus, when will he be done with that sandwich? I'll show him. I'll show him what it sounds like to sit next to him every stinking day and get passed over for that promotion and then that girl waits until 3 a.m. to say she has a boyfriend?"

And the result is a commercial featuring sounds of people smacking their lips, slurping, crunching, and otherwise being disgusting. Why would I want to buy something that makes me sound like an absolute pig if I'm eating it? And since I no longer want to buy, say, Kit-Kats, why am I subjected to the sound of all those metaphorical Pete's eating their food while I try to watch Invader Zim?

Also, I didn't even know those sounds were supposed to be the Kit Kat jingle until I looked up the commercial.

People Who've Already Made My Enemies List:

1. People who honk their horn.
2. Pepperoni pizza.
3. The 2008 Detroit Lions.
4. The guy who programmed my cell phone camera, etc. etc....
5. The guy whose house I'm stalking.
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