Friday, October 16, 2009

Men: Forget about getting a good job or being a nice guy. Just start doing crunches. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 36)

You know all that stuff about how women just look for a sense of humor, or a guy who's a good provider, or nice?

It's all bunk, as Sweetie's 36th Hunk of the Week, Jesse Williams, proves.

What have you go to look so smug about?
Just because you're good-looking, and rich,
and now famous, and my wife has a crush
on you...
Fine, look smug. Jerk.

You don't know him without you have
... um... I don't know how you'd know Jesse Williams. I don't know how Sweetie knows Jesse Williams. He showed up as the background photo on our computer at home yesterday, and Sweetie said he was her Hunk of the Week. When I asked how she knew him, she held up her hands and looked baffled, and then stammered "I just read an article about him in People Magazine." She then explained that she "thinks" he might be going to play a doctor on Grey's Anatomy "or something." So clearly Sweetie really read that article. Or should that be "read" that article?

In case you weren't mesmerized by his looks in People Magazine, "or something," you might also know Jesse Williams if you were an 8-year-old girl without any taste in movies at all, since his biggest (?) role to date has been to play Leo in The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2: Electric Pantsaloo.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmmm About Him: Actually, this is a thing that makes me go Hmmmm about Sweetie, since in looking into Jesse Williams' background, I found out that he also played "Kwame" on a 2006 episode of Law & Order, which makes me think that Sweetie's whole "Um... I guess I read about him in People or something, quit asking me questions I plead the Fifth!" story might be just a cover, and she's actually been thinking Jesse Williams is hunky since 2006. That's three years of pent-up hunkiness... and yet, she knows nothing about him. Doesn't know whether he's got a good sense of humor, or is a good provider, or is a nice guy, or anything.

You may doubt, too, that Sweetie could remember a guy who played a bit role in a 2006 episode of Law & Order, but you shouldn't. Sweetie has a categorical memory of every single person ever to appear on Law & Order and all of its spinoffs, even the short-lived Law & Order: Express Checkout Lane Enforcement, which featured ripped-from-the-headlines tales of cops busting people who claimed that three tomatoes are one item. Not if they're not packaged together, lady!

Sweetie once pointed out that a minor lawyer on one of the Law & Order shows had previously been a maid or something on a prior show. If you show Sweetie a picture of someone, anyone, she can tell you exactly how many episodes of Law & Order they've appeared in, what their roles were, who the detectives and DAs were at the time, and whether or not they actually killed their wives or if they were just lying to protect their daughters, who had killed their second wives because they (the daughters) were jealous of the second wives taking Dad's attention away from the daughter's own marriage to a serial rapist who was trying to turn his life around with the help of an well-meaning but ultimately overburdened psychiatrist who moonlights as a convenience store clerk to pay the bills for his son to attend law school... in order to defend the dad. Wait, where did I start?

I don't believe I've ever seen a shirt that color before.
Is there some kind of special store where the
good-looking people get to shop for clothes
that can't be bought by people who eat pizza for breakfast?

Speaking of which, I'm going to go get another slice.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him:
I've stopped kidding myself. Sweetie likes him because he's good looking. He's more than good looking. He looks like the kind of guy who would be cast in the role of a Greek God that comes down from Olympus to mingle with humans and see what life is really like, only to fail at mingling because he's just too perfect, and because all the women fall in love with him making the men suspicious of him and more and more angry, until they all turn on him and try to kill him and run him out of town at the same time, only to have him finally learn a lesson about what it means to be human, and that lesson is humility.

And also the lesson is to not be like, 10,000 times more good-looking than certain people's husbands, husbands who can't help that their hair is thinning and who wouldn't have those bags under their eyes if their Babies! would ever just sleep, and husbands who really are trying to get in shape only then their wife makes them a pecan pie for Sweetest Day, and they can't help but eat about 1/3 of it in a single night because it's really good.

Also, I've got dibs on that story idea about the Greek God. Don't steal it.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: Color me surprised, because when I asked Sweetie why she liked Jesse Williams, she said: "In that article I read, they said that he's really good with orphans and that he writes lyrical poetry in his spare time,, but that mostly he devotes all of his time to playing with his kids and volunteering at Church."

Ha! Ha! Just kidding. What Sweetie actually said was: “His eyes. His pretty eyes. I don’t know anything about him, I’ve never seen him in anything, nothing.”

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him:
Look, I'm doing my best here. But you made that pecan pie, so you share part of the blame.

Boy, he's really let himself go, hasn't he?

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