Saturday, January 16, 2010

You say Neato, Check Your Libido... (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 45)

There are things people can do, and things people can't do. Take the Hunk of the Week, for example:

Matthew Morrison.

Matthew Morrison can do some things, things that other people can't. Like, say, Bust A Move. That [SPOILER ALERT!] is Sweetie's actual reason for liking Matthew Morrison and choosing him as the 45th Hunk of the Week.

He can bust a move.

Saying what Matthew Morrison can do brings up the other side of that coin, things people can't do, and into that category falls Sweetie, who can't say "bust a move." Or, to put it more clearly, while Sweetie is physically capable of saying the words He can bust a move, when she says those words, they stop becoming cool and instead become lame.

It's not Sweetie's fault. It's just the way the world is. Almost everything can become lame if the wrong person says it. And in this case, Sweetie's the wrong person to say the phrase Bust a move. Sweetie can get away with saying a lot of things, 'cause she's Sweetie, but she can't say Bust a move. She needs to stick to phrases that sound more natural coming from her, phrases like "He can't play with the mixer because he'll stab himself with it." That's a phrase that rolls right off Sweetie's tongue.

I, on the other hand, can not only say "Bust a move," but, like the Hunk of the Week, I can actually bust a move. Or I could if I knew what it was, and if my back didn't hurt, and if I could touch my toes. I can see my toes, so I'm like, halfway there.

On with the Hunkiness!

You don't know him without you have seen Glee, which I started out really excited to watch, more excited than I'd been about any new show since Cop Rock, which I also was excited to watch and which Glee keeps being compared to, as though there have only been, ever, two shows on TV featuring singing characters, Glee and Cop Rock. There've been more, or course, more shows featuring people singing at inappropriate times, like they do in musicals constantly, but critics and fans ignore that. They just say things like "Glee proves that TV shows can have people singing, unlike Cop Rock," and ignore the other singing TV shows that Glee puts to shame, shows like...

... Viva Laughlin!

I just like to put that video in here whenever I can. Matthew Morrison wasn't in Viva Laughlin or anything, so far as anyone knows; nobody ever watched the show, and now, because of some weird conspiracy on the part of critics to not ever mention that show, nobody ever will and eventually the world will forget that it existed.

Or would forget, if it were not for me, being ever vigilant and keeping the flame of Viva Laughlin burning.

Matthew Morrison, in fact, wasn't in anything before Glee, so far as I know. I'm basing that on my usual method of research, which is to think to myself "Do I know him from somewhere else?" and then, before getting the answer, going to get a new cup of coffee, then coming back and googling around to see if Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit is available on Youtube yet, and finding out that it is:

So I start listening to it, and then remember Oh, yeah, I was writing about Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, and, now, where was I again?

I also asked Sweetie if Matthew Morrison was in anything other than Glee. I put it this way: "Was anyone in Glee in anything else?" To which Sweetie said:

"Bust a move."

No, no, I'm only kidding. It was just really, really funny to hear Sweetie say Bust a move. It's like when she swears; again, some things should not be said by some people, and Sweetie should not swear, because she has a higher-pitched voice and an innocent look on her face, so when she swears, it doesn't come across as angry or threatening. It comes across as cute-but-disconcerting, like if a chipmunk knocked you down and took your lunch money. How could you be mad at that?

Sweetie said that she thought all the Glee people were on Broadway, which surprised me because she's usually up on what celebrities did before I knew about them (i.e. before they were celebrities, because if I don't know who you are, it either means you're not famous, or you're annoying and I've deliberately blocked you out of my mind the way I deliberately block my gas light out of my mind, driving around on E for a really long time because I hate to stop for gas.)

Sweetie covered up her lack of knowledge about the former-whereabouts of the cast of Glee the way she usually does, by making up a celebrity and claiming to know about her: "That's what a lot of those singers do," she said. "Kristin Chenoweth is in a lot of musicals."

Right. Like there's an actual person named Kristin Chenoweth. I didn't call her on it, though. You've got to let people have their little illusions. It's what the holidays are all about.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: Sweetie mentioned that Matthew Morrison used to be in a boy band. She said it this way: "He used to be in a boy band, but I can't remember what it was. U can't touch this." Then she beat-boxed.

No, she didn't. But that would have been awesome. I want Sweetie to beat box.

She did say that he was in a boy band, so I checked out the Official Matthew Morrison Website (Slogan: Not the Official Website of the other Matthew Morrison, the one who works at Kinko's and puts up homemade drawings of Elves in Battle Armor on his page), but there was no boy band listed on his resume. So I did a little more googlevestigation, and found out this:

Matthew Morrison was in a boy band called "LMNT", briefly, before he got kicked out. LMNT, in turn, was made up of people who didn't make the cut for "O-Town."

Remember O-Town? Of course you don't. Nobody does. They are less famous than anyone has ever been. That guy down the street from you at the bus stop, the one who always wears a parka even in May, and you wonder if he wears it in the summer, too, but he's never around in the summer, so where does he go? He doesn't look like he can go away for the summer or take a whole summer off, and he looks to old to be a student, so does he just not come outside because it's too hot to wear the parka?

That guy is more famous than O-Town. That guy might be in O-Town, for all you know. So LMNT... what is that name supposed to mean? You can't name things just by throwing together a bunch of letters... LMNT is people who weren't cool enough to get into O-Town.

And Matthew Morrison wasn't cool enough to get into LMNT.

Just saying, Sweetie.

On the other hand, this site, which has as a background a weird, peach-pink almost-flesh color, so you know it's credible, says that Matthew Morrison left LMNT before the first CD came out because he wanted to be on Broadway. (It also says that Matthew Morrison is a "Superman of the stage.") So now I'm torn between siding with Matthew Morrison, or siding with LMNT, or going on not caring at all and instead reading Wonderella.

Reason I assumed Sweetie Liked Him:
I thought it must be the singing, because Sweetie has always liked my singing, going all the way back to the time I got out my acoustic guitar and played True Companion for her and sang it. I really did; it was a very romantic moment, if you were able to tune out that we were sitting on the green couch I bought for $5 from the Salvation Army, in an apartment on the bad side of town, and that we either had just eaten, or were about to eat, tacos made of meat that I'd spilled too much sage on for spice, turning the meat green.

Since that time, Sweetie has loved my singing, I'm sure, even though I don't do it very much anymore because I've hit that stage of my life where I can no longer really sing on key, even though now I'm mature enough to actually sing on key.

Most men -- Matthew Morrison aside -- spend most of their life deliberately singing off key. We sing things like Happy Birthday or songs that we like, but if there's anyone around, we have to sing them off-key and not hit the high notes real well, because, as we all learned from middle school, if you can hit the high notes real well, then Troy Schliepp is going to punch you in the stomach at recess. So we don't sing them, at all, deliberately keeping our voices in the narrow three-note "manly" range most of the time.

Then, by the time you hit 35 or so, you no longer care about things like that, because Troy Schliepp hasn't been around in years and probably is in jail by now, so we can sing well, if we want to, without fearing for our safety, only by then, our vocal chords no longer work well enough to hit those high notes, which is why you never hear men sing in public, ever, even if they're famous singers. Even if their Chris Martin, who, I have it on good authority, not only wears a parka year round, but also lip-synchs to pre-recorded tracks made when he was 20.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: I've already spoiled it; it's because, she said, "He can bust a move,"

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: Not only is it funny when Sweetie gets all gangster, but I don't think Sweetie knows what "bust a move" means.

Or maybe I don't. I thought that "bust a move" meant either to dance, or to pick up a chick. Because here's the song, as sung by the Superman of the Stage, Matthew Morrison:

And if you listen to that song, you'll notice that bust a move is advice -- "that girl starts walkin', guys start gawkin', sits down next to you and starts talkin', says she wants to dance 'cause she likes to groove so come on, fatso and bust a move."

Or at the movie: "You spot a fine woman sittin in your row... you run over there without a second to lose and what comes next, hey bust a move." Which either means the guy started dancing there, or he did a yawn-&-stretch.

I just asked Sweetie, who's just woken up, to say some of those lines. The only one she'd say is Come on fatso and bust a move, and it was just as good as her saying bust a move all on her own.

Anyway, I don't think that Sweetie knows what bust a move means, because Matthew Morrison may be able to sing, but I've never seen him dance, and I've seen at least three episodes of Glee.

Unless. bust a move means something entirely different to Sweetie? It might be a secret code, meaning something like... I don't know... abs!

Busted, Sweetie. Bust a move means "abs!" And, also, holy crap! What kind of workout are they doing on Broadway? I think he might really be Superman.


Are you climbing your own mountain? Anne a lay Apostle is. Her book, Climbing The Mountain, tells the story of how her Anne's mission of mercy as a lay apostle began; its inspirational message is sure to ring true and help readers reach their own heights of spirituality and holiness.


Petri Dish said...

Sizzlin' Christiano Ronald and Jesus pics this week and that's who Sweetie chose??

I remember O-Town but not LMNT, which is saying a lot since i can recall 98 degrees, LFO and Youngstown.

Oh you should Sweetie rap bust a move by young mc.

Briane P said...

I'm surprised that Sweetie somehow missed those; or she saw them but went with the Superman of Showtunes anyway. There's no accounting for Sweetie's taste, as evidenced by her continuing to stick with me.

If enough people ask her to, I bet Sweetie would rap. Comment up!