Saturday, April 24, 2010

Never ask Sweetie to be more specific... (Sweetie's Hunk of The Week 59)

Are you following me on Twitter? Don't lie... I can tell. Click here to do that, then come back to this post to see who the 59th Hunk of the Week is. Spoiler Alert! It's

David Lyons!

Oops! Sorry. That's David Lyons, the British actor who played a skinhead in some British TV series. Let me try again.

David Lyons!

No, no. That's the the David Lyons who's the rugby player for the Australian National Rugby Team. Sigh. One more time:


David Lyons...


You Don't Know Him Without You Have: the ability to figure out which "David Lyons" Sweetie is talking about, which requires, first, that you remember the name of the guy who's been staring out from your laptop all week long. I asked Sweetie three times this week who this guy was, and each time she told me and it just shot straight through my mind without lodging there even a little. Even now, I have to look back up at the caption to remember his name. There's something not so memorable about this guy.

And apparently Sweetie agrees with me, because when I asked what he's been in, she said "ER," which is a show that (a) I thought Sweetie never watched, and (b) I thought nobody ever watched. What's so great about medical shows, and how can anyone stand to watch more than one of them, ever? I tried to watch House for a while, until I realized that each show was interchangeable, like a TV show Mad Lib:

House: This ______________ (mammal) is _________________ (action) of __________________ (latiny phrase).

Person that's not House: It's no use. We'll never cure him.

House: ________________(expletive.) I didn't become a _______________(occupation) to not _________________ (verb) ______________(same mammal as before) like this! We've got to save him!

Other person that's not House: I'm having a personal crisis that will serve as a soon-abandoned subplot to this show but will also lead you off on some tangent that ultimately supplies the answer to your problem

House: That's it! Let's go off to the _______________________________(random location like, say, haunted amusement park!)

Woman that's in a position of power: You're _________________ (verb dealing with employment, or adjective dealing with sexiness.)

House: I just remembered! At _________________ (same random locations) there's always _________________ that causes this_____________!

Mammal: House! You saved my life! And you're my father!

I assume ER was the same way, but, like I said, nobody ever watched it, so there's really no way of telling. ER is the 30 Rock of yesteryear: a show everybody pretends to watch but doesn't really watch.

Let's move on to:

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: He's not in this video, for one thing:

But that's because he's not in anything, except maybe ER, which, as I said, doesn't count. David Lyons -- this David Lyons:

Hasn't been in anything, so far as I could tell. Or maybe he has. Who knows? He's completely unmemorable . He might be in the C+C Music Factory, for all I know.

That sure is a catchy song. If David Lyons:

Did write it, or rap it, or something, then good for him!

Actually, though, having just gone to this David Lyons:

IMDB page, I'm not so sure, now, that he's not the Rugby David Lyons, because one of the David Lyonses graduated from some Australian school, and this David Lyons:

Is wearing the Australian flag on his shoulder. (Knowing the flags of every country in the Southern Hemisphere is one of the talents that sets me apart from other people. I can name them all:

Papua New Guinea:



See? I got sidetracked again. It looks like David Lyons:

Can't hold my attention for very long. Might as well go to:

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: Given that David Lyons is completely unmemorable, and starred in what can only be referred to as the dark matter of television (if he starred in it; who knows?) I'm guessed that Sweetie likes him the way people like, vanilla: for no particular reason. Vanilla is the default of flavors, and David Lyons is the default of hunks: they're both what you come up with when you can't think of something else.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: I asked her earlier in the week, and she said somethng bland like "he's so cute," or something. I then said "You've got to be more specific about why you like these guys." So this morning, I asked her again, and she said:

"He's got great hair, the kind you could run your fingers through: nice, thick curly hair. He's got sweetie Bambi eyes. He's the kind of guy you know you could take home to your parents but he could turn around and be a wildcat."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: Wait, what? I said to be more specific, not write an erotic thriller starring you and him! Plus, I could totally be a wildcat, if I wanted to. Totally. As soon as I'm done looking at the flags of the southern hemisphere, and writing my House fanfiction. (I'm up to the part where House and I play miniature golf -- which is when he realizes that the patient is suffering from a condition that somehow mimics a golfball not making it through the windmill on the 17th hole!)

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