Saturday, May 08, 2010

The Hmmm-Y Thing About Him Is... Well, you'll have to read it. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 61)

Today's Hunk began with a mystery, as you'll see. The 61st Hunk of the Week is...

Taylor Kitsch!
(Write that down, Sweetie!

You Don't Know Him Without You Have seen "Friday Night Lights," which is the TV show IMDB says he's on. Then again, if you're Sweetie, and you're asked about him, you will get this exchange:

Me: Who's your Hunk of the Week? (Yes, this is a topic of conversation in our house. But it is a topic which is preferable to the topics we otherwise discuss, because the topics we otherwise discuss are things like "It's going to cost $1,200 to repair what the kids did to the car this time" and "The Boy's room appears as though it should be featured on Hoarders.")

Sweetie: He's Taylor... Kirsch? I don't know.

Which would lead a husband to think to himself "How could someone pick a Hunk whose name she doesn't know, on a TV show she (supposedly) doesn't watch?"

I say supposedly because Sweetie watches a lot of shows secretly. Sweetie denies watching these shows, but I know she does, because our DVR records them, leaving an electronic clue that doesn't exactly required Monk to solve the mystery. I'll turn on the TV and look to see which of my shows might have taped, and realize that none of them taped, and that instead, daytime soaps and weird dramas on CBS and things with Lifetime-y movie sounding names and, above all, "Shows about women who murder their husbands" have taped. And I'll say something like:

Me: How'd these shows end up taping? (That, too, is preferable to other actual topics of conversation we have around our house, topics like "You have to help The Boy redo his financial aid application for the third time," something we both hate doing because when the kids sit down to fill out paperwork, they get amazingly angry. I pointed out to Sweetie that the amount of anger and pain our kids feel doing paperwork on the computer can only be explained by our computer shooting out "Eyeball Stabbing Beams," so now, when they have to do it, behind the kids' back, I pantomime a kid being attacked by Eyeball Stabbing Beams as he/she works on the computer. It's really quite funny, but that doesn't make up for how frustrating it is to help an angry teenager fill out his financial aid forms.)

Sweetie: I don't know how they taped. I don't know... [Leaves room in a hurry.]

And I'm left to wonder if our TV is opting to tape shows for Sweetie on its own, and if so, why the TV tapes so many shows about women killing their husbands. And if not the TV, then why Sweetie tapes so many of those shows. Then, I decide I'd rather not know the answer to either of those questions.

Align Center
A question I would like to know the answer to is How someone can be the Hunk of the Week when Sweetie doesn't know his name, so I googled Taylor Kitsch -- jot that name down, Sweetie!-- and found pictures like the one at the right -- all the pictures are on the right today, or most of them, because that's how I loaded them up and it's Saturday and I worked 23 hours over the last two days and frankly, I'm too tired to delete them and start over, so just deal with it --

I found pictures like that one at the right, and thought: Hmmm. I wonder if that has anything to do with Sweetie liking him without even knowing his name.

I checked the other images on the page, and found more, only they were more of the "kind of like that first picture only more filled with abs, like the one at the right.

And as I went on -- and as you go on in the pictures here, you'll see -- they got more abs-y.

But that still doesn't answer the question of how Sweetie knew about him in the first place.

Does she just do random searches during the day, spending her entire day googling various words and phrases in hopes of finding some dreamy guy with a washboard stomach and perfect hair?

Probably. Let's move on.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmmm About Him: Sharp-eyed readers will note that I've added an extra m to the Hmmmm, which you might think means that Taylor Kitsch (make a note of the name, Sweetie!) is extra-hmmmmy.

But he's not. I just mistyped it and again, I'm too lazy to change it. Not as lazy, it seems, as Sweetie, who just not long ago said this to me:

Sweetie (holding up empty cereal bowl at the table): Would you put this in the sink for me? Because you love me?

I put it in the sink for her -- and did it because I love her. Sorry, ladies: I'm off the market.

Taylor Kitsch's Hmmmy Things are that he's starring in Battleship, the movie, coming in 2012. Here's the plot of that movie, direct from IMDB:

A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.

It's not automatically clear what Taylor Kitsch's (got it, Sweetie?) role is in that movie; it may be that the game is played on his stomach.

Battleship is, I believe, a movie based on a board game -- not one of the four I brilliantly suggested be made into TV serieses -- only it's not, exactly, because according to one site, it's a battle between battleships, okay, but it's in space and there's aliens and it'll be kind of District 9-ey, and I imagine that was the exact pitch for this movie: "It's a battle between spaceships, okay, but it's in space, and there's aliens, and it'll be kind of District 9-ey."

Remember, on Seinfeld, when George said their TV show would be "about nothing," and the executive asked "Why will people watch it?" and George said "Because it's on TV!"

Ever get the feeling that every executive in Hollywood looked at each other at that moment and said "Exactly!" and just gave up, right then? Because between reality shows that are just "Point the camera at people" and now a documentary that's just four sets of baby films, and Battleship: The Movie That Has Nothing To Do With The Game You Outgrew When You Were Eight, it certainly seems to me like the guiding ethos of Hollywood is "You'll watch it because it's on a screen."

But just to reinforce that, Hollywood -- not content to trust that we'll watch something because it's on a screen -- Hollywood does two other things to guarantee we'll go. First, they put Taylor Kitsch in it, because if we're going to watch two hours of someone yelling, in dramatic, Shatner-esque tones "You've sunk my battleship!" (ignoring that it's in space and can't sink, because we've got to get that line in there), if we're going to watch that, then we at least have to promise that the movie will be filled with people like Taylor Kitsch, whose body seems to have been created by computer technology. Seriously: look at the latest picture to the right.

How does he have muscles in his

And secondly, Hollywood guarantees we'll go see it by calling it Battleship. If they called it Space Fleet Battle or something, we'd all skip it and stay home and watch those Women-Murdering-Their-Husband shows we "happened" to tape. But name it Battleship, and, apparently, everyone in the entire worlds says "Hey, I once played that game at Grandma's on Thanksgiving, only the pieces were missing so we had to use a Lincoln Log for one of the ships, and also I didn't get any pie," and we go see the movie.

Familiarity breeds box office, so naming a movie after something we (presumably) loved, or remaking a movie, is guaranteed to get people into the theater. That's why you're getting Taylor Kitsch Stars In That Thing You Kind Of Remember, and that's why you're getting The Nightmare On Elm Street instead of a new horror movie, even though a new horror movie, Paranormal Activity, proved that people will go see something if it's high quality, even though it's unfamiliar. Hollywood knows that you hate new, so they just give you stuff you remember.

If that trend continues -- and it will -- Hollywood will start re-using star's names. They'll remake the celebrities, and take new faces but give them old names:

"You loved Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, but they're old and decrepit now, so here's Pretty Woman 2012, starring the New Julia Roberts (Kristin Stewart, renamed by Hollywood) and the New Richard Gere (Taylor Kitsch) in the movie you loved 20 years ago -- but remade with a couple of now-timely jokes! We even mention Twitter!"

What I'm saying, in a nutshell, is that the Hmmm-y Thing about Taylor Kitsch is that he's responsible for ruining entertainment and destroying creativity, forever. He may not like me saying that, but as the old saying goes, If you can't stand the heat, don't get cast in a picture that's loosely based on a boardgame, and also quit making my wife have fevered dreams of you during the day when she's supposed to be thinking up creative sandwiches for my lunch the next day.

That's an actual old saying, you know.

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: Here's the picture Sweetie downloaded on our computer desktop to name him her 61st Hunk of the Week, and embarrass me if I took the laptop to seminars:

Nothing like sitting next to a judge and opening up my computer and having that greet us both. (Also, I've run out of right-placed pictures, so we're back to the center-placed pictures. Happy?)

Looking at that picture, I could see immediately what Sweetie liked about it. See, I've got this pair of cargo shorts that I loved, and wear all the time. Or, that is, I wore them all the time, but then this year when I got out the summer clothes and put them on for the first time, I realized that they no longer fit -- I'm sure that sitting in my closet on the shelf all winter shrunk them through some combination of heat or humidity or dust or something, in a process that's completely unrelated to Doritos...

... but anyway, I can't wear those shorts anymore (stupid clothes-shrinking closet!), and had almost forgotten them until I looked closely at the picture and saw that Taylor Kitsch had the exact same pair of shorts on!

So that's when I solved the mystery! Sweetie must have gone looking for a pair of the shorts for me to replace the ones that... shrunk... and stumbled across a picture of Taylor Kitsch, by accident!

And then, judging from our browser history, she must have stumbled across 173,022 other pictures of Taylor Kitsch!

By accident!

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: Here's our exact conversation:

Me: Why do you like him?

Sweetie: He's got a gorgeous body and gorgeous hair...

Me: Okay.

Sweetie: And I just want to run my fingers through it...

Me: Okay...

Sweetie: And.

Me: [Leaves room quickly.]

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: I left the room, but I'm pretty sure she went on talking for about a half-hour. And none of it mentioned shorts.

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