Friday, May 21, 2010

If you know the ACTUAL actor I'm thinking of, for God's sake, help me. It's driving me mad. Mad, I tell you! (Sweetie's Hunk of The Week 63)

I was this close to posting the Friday's Sunday's Poem yesterday, then suddenly realized that instead of sitting at my desk eating lunch, I was supposed to be in Milwaukee giving a seminar.

I bet you didn't miss the poem, though -- since that's just a time-killer that leads into
Sweetie's Hunk of the Week. Number 63 is...

Timothy Olyphant!

You Don't Know Him Without You Have seen The Crazies, or one of those cable-TV shows that critics rave about and which star various past-their-prime stars and which nobody ever watches, or at least nobody that I know. And, admittedly, I don't know all that many people, and I actually talk to even fewer of the people I do know, but I have to say that given his recent career as the star or something of The Crazies and Justified and Damages, Timothy Olyphant represents most of what I find annoying about entertainment today, which I'll set out in handy list form:

(Most Of) The Things I Find Annoying About Entertainment Today:

1. Movies about zombies.
2. Critically-acclaimed but boring-looking TV shows.
3. Remakes of movies.
4. Things that I think Ted Danson has appeared in.
5. Remakes of movies about zombies.
5. Guys I get confused with other guys.

Timothy Olyphant embodies all of those things and does so to an annoying degree. If I had friends or people to talk to other than Sweetie and the Babies!, I'd complain to them about it. But I don't, so you'll have to listen. (I'll tell the Babies! about it during our adventures.)

Timothy Olyphant

Was in The Crazies, which is a remake of a movie that tried to remake zombies, using zombies again as a stand-in for something or other, symbolically speaking -- and using zombies as a symbol is the second-laziest kind of writing you can do. (The first laziest? Having anything involve a 'socialite in Manhattan.')

Timothy Olyphant is also in all those cable shows on TNT or TBS or Spike or something, shows that I don't watch and therefore I assume nobody watches. I actually assume that nobody watches almost any TV shows, because I watch almost no TV shows, so I figure everyone else must be doing what I do, because what I do is cool and trendy. (Don't bother arguing with me. If getting beat up frequently as a kid/never getting invited to parties didn't convince me I'm not cool, nothing will.)

I'm not one of those people who says he doesn't watch TV but secretly does. And I'm not one of those people who doesn't watch TV because I'm a snobbish jerk, like many of the people who claim not to watch TV are. No, I'm one of those people who doesn't watch much TV for a few reasons, which I'll again put in handy list form:

A Few Of The Reasons I Don't Watch TV Much:

1. Sweetie is always watching crime-related shows.
2. I get caught up in games of "Bust It" with Mr Bunches.
3. If Sweetie's s not watching crime shows and has her eyes closed, she still claims to be "listening" to them.
4. I have 13 back issues of The New Yorker to catch up on, plus my Entertainment Weekly subscription.
5. Sweetie sleeps very lightly and can actually hear the sound of the remote control being picked up.
6. Most TV shows suck.

So as a result of that, I watch Modern Family, and some King of the Hill reruns, and the news, and every now and then, I manage to sneak away the remote control and watch a couple episodes of Parks & Recreation. And I watch Lost, but I'm watching it on DVD and am only up to Season 4, Episode 6, so do not spoil it for me, and, honestly, I feel compelled to make this request:

Dear Entertainment Media, Pop Culture, Internet, and Middle and Sweetie:

It's unlikely I'll be able to watch all of Seasons 4 and 5 and most of 6 before the finale, and I really really really don't want it spoiled, so if everyone would just not talk about it at all until I'm caught up, I would really appreciate it.



PS: This means you especially, Sweetie and Middle.

PPS: Sweetie, you can't
really be "listening" to a show if you're sleeping.

Anyway, Timothy Olyphant is on all those shows that critics love and they win Emmys (or so I hear from blogs) and yet... I don't know anyone who watches them.

Let's take a break and look at him again for you people (Sweetie) who are bored with all this reading:

Finally, I'm pretty sure that Ted Danson is in one of those shows, or at least is in a show, and Ted Danson makes me angry.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: This is what bugs me the most about Timothy Olyphant:

When Sweetie first said who the Hunk of the Week was, I immediately thought of another guy, a guy who I am sure was named Timothy Olyphant, but he's an older guy with kind of crazy hair and eyes, and he looks a little like Richard Branson:


(Richard's the one on the left, holding the girl) but he's not Richard Branson. He just looks like Richard Branson. I mean the actor I'm thinking of, not Real Timothy Olyphant. This guy:

Doesn't look like Richard Branson, or the guy I'm thinking of. But there is a guy who I am positive is named Timothy Olyphant, and he's an actor, and he looks like Richard Branson, kind of, but I cant find him.

I've tried everything this morning -- well, everything that can be tried in about 2 minutes. I tried looking through lots of pages of this Timothy Olyphant. I tried searching for actors named Tim and actors named Olyphant and I even, I swear, tried an image search using the phrase "who's that one crazy actor with the eyes named timothy".

I got George Clooney as one of the results for that one. Way to go, Internet. Once again, you've let me down.

But that guy exists -- the Other Timothy Olyphant, I'll call him -- and I'll find him, someday. I have a quest!

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Likes Him:


Earlier this week, I went jogging -- almost 2 miles, which doesn't sound like much, but it was outdoors and at the end of the day and I was pretty tired, plus the second almost-a-mile was uphill the entire way. And I Lostercised on Wednesday, and I biked last night for 30 minutes. That's a lot of working out. And I've been working out more and more and more.

But my abs still look nothing like that. I don't know what it takes to get abs like that. It's most likely a combination of superworking out and never eating Cheetos in bed at 10:30 p.m. while quietly getting the remote control away from Sweetie, and I'm not sure I'm up to that level of effort. So I assumed that Sweetie wanted to see some abs.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "I just like the way he looks at things."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: I've got two points, actually, which I'll put into... yep!... handy list form:

Two Points I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Claiming She Likes Timothy Olyphant For "The Way He Looks At Things":

1. Okay, what? I don't even know what that means.
2. I'm pretty sure her real reasons are more like this:

1 comment:

marilyn said...

I'm with Sweetie on this. But what's your question again?