Friday, February 13, 2009

Jenkins Smedley: The Reboot.

Remember Jenkins Smedley? Of course you don't. But that's okay, because the old adventures of Jenkins Smedley and The Boss was hopelessly dated and out of touch with today's values and ideals.

But Jenkins Smedley: The New Series will do what other brave television shows and movies have done before: take old ideas, put a new shine on them, jazz up the special effects, and hope that nobody notices the bad writing. (Ellen the Cylon? You have got to be kidding me.) In the grand tradition of Land of the Lost: Anchorman On Location In Time and Battlestar Galactica 2.o: We're not really trying anymore, and in the same vein as how Heroes is now putting its characters on an island after a plane crash, I present to you:

Jenkins Smedley: 2009.
Scene: A network headquarters, for some reason placed on a mysterious mystical island, which for some reason is drifting through space. And also some Joss Whedon-type stuff.

Enter Jenkins Smedley, an iconoclastic (we can tell by the horn-rimmed glasses) noble and businesslike (we can tell by the short haircut and piercing eyes) and superpowered (we can tell because he tells us) businessman:

Jenkins: As a superpowered businessman in charge of this ragtag fleet of small businesses, I need information.

Crew member: I'm trying to get information, sir, but this fax machine is very very slow.

Jenkins: That's because it's not a fax machine, it's a pig. What's a pig doing on the bridge?

Crew member: I believe he's doing his nails.

(Audience laughter. Yes, there's a studio audience, too.)

Jenkins: Why are we trying to send faxes via a pig? Is this one of those awful Superbowl commercials where they drive the point home via ham-handed symbolism, instead of one of those cool Superbowl commercials where they use monkeys?

Crew member: I believe it's neither, sir. It's a blog.

Jenkins: Oh, for... Nevermind. Why don't we have a real fax machine?

Crew member: We're a little short on capital; customers are having trouble finding us in that our business is located on a deserted island drifting through space, and our wacky-but-intelligent-and-caring station manager is having some sort of troubles that nobody really cares about and hasn't gotten the advertising campaign going.

Jenkins: You can tell she's smart, though, by the glasses. Not smart enough to just wear contacts, but nevertheless...anyway, why are we located on a desert island? In space? And have I mentioned in the past few minutes that I have superpowers?

Crew Member: Your part almost went to William Shatner. We have to be located on a desert island and send our faxes via pig because we're low on money.

Jenkins: I thought I authorized borrowing money to fund us through these tight times while we try to find a new home and forge an alliance with... oh, with someone, or other, to prove that we can still do plot twists.

Crew member: You did. We filled out the paperwork for the bank. Several months ago.

Jenkins: So, where's our money?

Crew member: They wanted more paperwork. And background checks. And a business plan, which Elizabeth Elemon hasn't done yet. And fingerprints. And they need to meet the pig.

Jenkins: How long is that going to take?

Crew member: Hard to say. I can't get the pig to sign the application. I hope we get the money soon, though. I'm getting hungry.


Not getting enough money for your business?
Maybe your problems won't be as bad as Jenkins Smedley's-- what does he even sell? -- but not getting money, and not getting money quickly, are a problem for a business, and with the economy getting worse before it gets better, banks are tighter than ever.

What you need, as a small business owner, is a lender that's more like a business partner and helps you fast. Someone like does fast business loans with less paperwork than banks require and lower credit standards. So they can get you your money now, not six months from now. And they won't charge you closing costs or fees.

They can also help you with Check Processing and credit card processing -- so they can increase your ability to get paid by customers. Click over to now, and get the money you need to buy supplies, hire new help, relocate, cover invoices until the next shipment... or to replace the pig.


lisapepin said...

This was absolutely hilarious! But please keep in mind that we're only on season two of Heroes over here on the continent, so I'm going to need spoiler alerts!

lisapepin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lisapepin said...

Are they really on an island? No, wait. Don't tell me.