Saturday, July 18, 2009

I bet he does a lot of cyber sit-ups. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week 24)

Sweetie's Hunk of This Week is: Gerard Butler

You/Sweetie Know Him As: This guy:

who, frankly, I thought was a completely-computer-generated character. I mean, look at him. Nobody looks like that. How many muscles does he have? You know what he looks like? One of those He-Man action figures from the 1980s, the ones that looked like they'd bulked up on steroids for the sole purpose of beating up my Star Wars' action figures:

I know him as: I don't really know him at all. Or, that is, I know him, but I'm not sure how I know him. Like I said, I thought he was computer-generated, but then suddenly he's not, he's here in real life, like Reverse Tron (TM Me 2009) and he's all over the place, being in other movies that never get released, and not dating Jennifer Aniston and, apparently, lodging all 450+ of his abdominal muscles into Sweetie's mind.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: Maybe he is computer-generated. You know how computers never quite get it right, and the "people" they generate are always a little off? Gerard Butler might be computer generated. Consider this: Has anyone ever actually seen him in person? I haven't. And consider this: His haircut. It's awful. It's the kind of hair cut a computer puts on a person, because computers think "geek" is "cool":

Or the kind of haircut the computer copied from an old 1980s cartoon, maybe, to try to mimic what it thought humans should look like:

The Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: Since I barely knew he existed (if he exists...), I never really thought about why Sweetie would like him until I asked her, last night, who her "Hunk of the Week" would be and she said Gerard Butler, and I thought about that for a second, and what I thought was this: Why? So I asked her that. I asked her: "Why?" And I got...

...The Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: As she said, and I quote: "You're kidding, right? Why do you think?"

So I said: "His abs?" (It was a reasonable guess, since he appears to be made entirely of abdominal muscles.)(And He-Man hair.) Sweetie neither confirmed nor denied that, but instead said:

"Did you see 300?"

Which, for the record, I didn't. And I didn't know Sweetie did. She claimed she'd watched it one day while The Boy was watching it, in passing, as it were. That's what she claimed. But you'd have to have heard the emotion in her voice when she said Did you see 300? That's assuming abdominal muscles are an emotion. Which in Sweetie's case, they were.

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: It's all computer-generated, Sweetie. He's not even a real person. Those muscles, that hair... all just a bunch of bits and bytes floating around in cyberspace. Just look at him in real life:

Um. Never mind.

See all the Hunks of the Week here.


Demeter said...


Erin O'Riordan said...

Gerard Butler has a bangin' body, but I can't decide if I like his face or not. He has a fat face. He has a double chin. Maybe not in
'300' (terrible movie, btw), but definitely in 'Law-Abiding Citizen,' he has a double chin. Which is fine on a "real" guy, but I think it disqualifies him from being a superhunk.