This week's Hunk of The Week is The Guy From Friday Night Lights Who Was Supposed To Be Hunk of the Week A While Back But I Was Busy That Day:
And our Hunk of the Week Panel is:
The Pigeon, star of The Pigeon Finds A Hot Dog.
A Micronaut Action Figure I Had As A Kid,
Johnny Horton, singer of The Battle Of New Orleans, and
A random kid I found by googling "Random Kid"
Start the madness!
Random Kid: I'm not sure why I'm here, or who you are.
Kyle: Thanks for having me on.
The Pigeon: Hot dogs are quite tasty.
Johnny Horton: In my day, I was quite the celebrity. We had sometimes three or four fans who would show up at our shows, sitting a discreet distance from the stage. Those women were hot, too, in their just-below-the-knee dresses and pillbox hats.
Kyle: I'm not sure who you are.
Random Kid: I want my mommy. She was supposed to pick me up from school. Have you seen her?
Kyle: I've been in Friday Night Lights, the TV show, for about 5 years now, I think. I'm not actually sure how long I've been starring in it, because, like most people, I thought the show was cancelled three years ago. Then it turns out it wasn't, which was weird, because I hadn't shown up for work in like, two years.
Johnny Horton: What do you mean, you don't know who I am?
Micronaut: The center of my body actually unplugs. I'm not sure why that is.
Kyle: The show, of course, bears little resemblance to the movie it's supposedly based on, or the book the movie was based on, since those were both true stories that made a point about how important high school football is in Texas, and followed an actual high school team through a season, whereas our show hasn't shown any actual football scenes since 2002.
Pigeon: I believe that in the movie, the high school team was picked to be featured because that year they had celebrity coach Jon Voight!
Johnny Horton: Say what you want, but I loved him in Welcome Back, Kotter.
Micronaut: You're thinking of John Travolta. Also, for some reason I have actual shirtsleeve cuffs despite being from some kind of futuristic world. Maybe I'm from a futuristic world where we've dispensed with the rest of the shirt?
Kyle: No, Jon Voight was the guy in Welcome Back, Kotter, I'm pretty sure.
Pigeon: He played Horshack. Mister Kott-air!
Random Kid: (starts to cry.)
Johnny Horton: Do you think you're a bigger star now than I was in my heyday?
Kyle: I'm sorry, I really have no clue who you are.
Johnny Horton: Don't tell me you've never heard my hit song The Battle of New Orleans, or the hit remix of it, The Battle of New Orleans 2002, with Jay-Z?
Kyle: Drawing a blank, sorry.
Pigeon: Why would you say that you were picked as the 39th Hunk of The Week?
Kyle: If I had to guess, it'd be... shouldn't someone help that kid?
Random Kid: If you touch me I'll scream!
Micronaut: I bet it's the abs.
Pigeon: Do we get paid for this?
Kyle: Look, kid, I'm not trying to hurt you. Do you know where you live?
Pigeon: You're probably right. It's the abs. Lift up your shirt, Kyle!
Johnny Horton: Yeah, take it off!
Random Kid: All I know is I was waiting for my mom and then a guy in a car took me here and I'm supposed to be home watching Dora The Explorer.
Johnny Horton: Isn't that kind of a girls' show?
Pigeon: I think it's really aimed at girls and boys.
Kyle: My abs are nothing to write home about. Say, how long do you think that expression's going to be around? Does it count as writing home if it's email?
Random Kid: I want to go home!
Micronaut: Now you've set him off again.
Johnny Horton: You've got that sort of bed-head-y look that the younger guys go for nowadays. Don't you think you're a little old for that? I mean, look at you. From the feet to your forehead, 99% of you says "Dad who sort of gave up working out except for sporadic trips to the weight room at the health club" but the top 1% says "Hipster Doofus."
Kyle: Hey, now, just because you're entirely in black-and-white, don't take it out on me. Besides, what's the deal with that They grabbed an alligator and they fought another round? You can't use an alligator as a cannon. I thought your song was intended to be historically accurate!
Cop, entering with Woman: Is that him, ma'am?
Woman: Oh, Random Kid! I've found you!
Random Kid: Mommy!
Cop: What's going on here?
Micronaut: Crap. Uses time-traveling power to disappear.
Johnny Horton: It's the Hunk of the Week panel!
Cop: Hunk of the Week? Who?
Mom: (to kid): How many times have I told you not to be googled!
Kyle: Me. I'm the Hunk of the Week.
Cop: You? You're clearly some sort of plumber. Or maybe handyman. You're nowhere near hunky enough to be a Hunk of the Week, though. Look at you.
Johnny Horton: Have you noticed the hair?
Cop: Well, yeah, there's that, but I'm pretty sure those are relaxed-fit jeans he's wearing. And they're pretty relaxed, too.
Kyle: Look, now, I didn't come here to be insulted. Also, these are Dockers. And they're not relaxed fit, they're Comfort-Waist (TM).
Mom: I think he's hunky.
Johnny Horton: What about me?
Mom: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure who you are.
Johnny Horton: Oh, come on! (Uses time traveling powers to disappear.)
Pigeon: It's his abs, right? That's what you like about Kyle?
Mom: No, I'd say he's the kind of guy you can bring home to Mom. (Note: That's Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him!)
Kyle: I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean.
Cop: I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean hunky.
Mom: Au contraire. (Growls slightly.) In fact, you could come home with Mom, now.
Random Kid: Mom? What's going on?
Mom: Not now, Random Kid.
Pigeon: I thought abs were some sort of criteria to be on this list.
Cop: And I thought slightly-paunchy was a disqualification.
Mom: You just leave him to me.
Random Kid: Mommy? Can we go home, now?
Mom: You're going to stay here with these nice people for a little bit.
Cop: I've got to get me some of that bed-head, I guess.
Pigeon: I've got to get me a hot dog.
Random Kid: Begins crying again.
Mom: Now, come here, you.
Kyle: Wait, I'm not really into this kind of thing. I'm happily married, I think. I'm not even sure... nobody did any kind of background research for this at all, not even the minimal research that usually goes into it.
Mom: I'll research you.
Kyle: I'm not sure what that means, but it was rude. (Uses time traveling powers to disappear.)
Pigeon: Tune in next time, when we'll sit down with Harold P. Warren, director of Manos: The Hand of Fate, widely considered to be the worst movie ever made. Until then, I'm Pigeon and this has been Sweetie's Hunk of the Week!