Saturday, November 21, 2009

Meet The Hunk Of The Week Panel! (Sweetie's Hunk Of The Week, 39)

Those panel interview shows are all the rage now, with The View and that other one that's like the View but has that sassy lady from that cleaning show. I'm never one to be more than 3 or 4 years behind a trend, so I have assembled The Hunk of The Week Interview Panel, which from time to time will appear and do an ACTUAL INTERVIEW with the Hunk of The Week!

This week's Hunk of The Week is The Guy From Friday Night Lights Who Was Supposed To Be Hunk of the Week A While Back But I Was Busy That Day:

Kyle Chandler

And our Hunk of the Week Panel is:

The Pigeon, star of The Pigeon Finds A Hot Dog.

A Micronaut Action Figure I Had As A Kid,

Johnny Horton, singer of The Battle Of New Orleans, and

A random kid I found by googling "Random Kid"

Start the madness

Random Kid: I'm not sure why I'm here, or who you are.

Kyle: Thanks for having me on.

The Pigeon: Hot dogs are quite tasty.

Johnny Horton: In my day, I was quite the celebrity. We had sometimes three or four fans who would show up at our shows, sitting a discreet distance from the stage. Those women were hot, too, in their just-below-the-knee dresses and pillbox hats.

Kyle: I'm not sure who you are.

Random Kid: I want my mommy. She was supposed to pick me up from school. Have you seen her?

Kyle: I've been in Friday Night Lights, the TV show, for about 5 years now, I think. I'm not actually sure how long I've been starring in it, because, like most people, I thought the show was cancelled three years ago. Then it turns out it wasn't, which was weird, because I hadn't shown up for work in like, two years.

Johnny Horton: What do you mean, you don't know who I am?

Micronaut: The center of my body actually unplugs. I'm not sure why that is.

Kyle: The show, of course, bears little resemblance to the movie it's supposedly based on, or the book the movie was based on, since those were both true stories that made a point about how important high school football is in Texas, and followed an actual high school team through a season, whereas our show hasn't shown any actual football scenes since 2002.

Pigeon: I believe that in the movie, the high school team was picked to be featured because that year they had celebrity coach Jon Voight!

Johnny Horton:
Say what you want, but I loved him in Welcome Back, Kotter.

You're thinking of John Travolta. Also, for some reason I have actual shirtsleeve cuffs despite being from some kind of futuristic world. Maybe I'm from a futuristic world where we've dispensed with the rest of the shirt?

No, Jon Voight was the guy in Welcome Back, Kotter, I'm pretty sure.

He played Horshack. Mister Kott-air!

Random Kid: (starts to cry.)

Johnny Horton: Do you think you're a bigger star now than I was in my heyday?

Kyle: I'm sorry, I really have no clue who you are.

Johnny Horton: Don't tell me you've never heard my hit song The Battle of New Orleans, or the hit remix of it, The Battle of New Orleans 2002, with Jay-Z?

Kyle: Drawing a blank, sorry.

Pigeon: Why would you say that you were picked as the 39th Hunk of The Week?

Kyle: If I had to guess, it'd be... shouldn't someone help that kid?

Random Kid: If you touch me I'll scream!

Micronaut: I bet it's the abs.

Pigeon: Do we get paid for this?

Kyle: Look, kid, I'm not trying to hurt you. Do you know where you live?

Pigeon: You're probably right. It's the abs. Lift up your shirt, Kyle!

Johnny Horton: Yeah, take it off!

Random Kid: All I know is I was waiting for my mom and then a guy in a car took me here and I'm supposed to be home watching Dora The Explorer.

Johnny Horton: Isn't that kind of a girls' show?

Pigeon: I think it's really aimed at girls and boys.

Kyle: My abs are nothing to write home about. Say, how long do you think that expression's going to be around? Does it count as writing home if it's email?

Random Kid: I want to go home!

Now you've set him off again.

Johnny Horton: You've got that sort of bed-head-y look that the younger guys go for nowadays. Don't you think you're a little old for that? I mean, look at you. From the feet to your forehead, 99% of you says "Dad who sort of gave up working out except for sporadic trips to the weight room at the health club" but the top 1% says "Hipster Doofus."

Kyle: Hey, now, just because you're entirely in black-and-white, don't take it out on me. Besides, what's the deal with that They grabbed an alligator and they fought another round? You can't use an alligator as a cannon. I thought your song was intended to be historically accurate!

Cop, entering with Woman: Is that him, ma'am?

Woman: Oh, Random Kid! I've found you!

Random Kid: Mommy!

Cop: What's going on here?

Micronaut: Crap. Uses time-traveling power to disappear.
Johnny Horton: It's the Hunk of the Week panel!

Cop: Hunk of the Week? Who?

Mom: (to kid): How many times have I told you not to be googled!

Kyle: Me. I'm the Hunk of the Week.

Cop: You? You're clearly some sort of plumber. Or maybe handyman. You're nowhere near hunky enough to be a Hunk of the Week, though. Look at you.

Johnny Horton: Have you noticed the hair?

Cop: Well, yeah, there's that, but I'm pretty sure those are relaxed-fit jeans he's wearing. And they're pretty relaxed, too.

Kyle: Look, now, I didn't come here to be insulted. Also, these are Dockers. And they're not relaxed fit, they're Comfort-Waist (TM).

Mom: I think he's hunky.

Johnny Horton: What about me?

Mom: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure who you are.

Johnny Horton: Oh, come on! (Uses time traveling powers to disappear.)

Pigeon: It's his abs, right? That's what you like about Kyle?

Mom: No, I'd say he's the kind of guy you can bring home to Mom. (Note: That's Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him!)

Kyle: I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean.

Cop: I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean hunky.

Mom: Au contraire. (Growls slightly.) In fact, you could come home with Mom, now.

Random Kid: Mom? What's going on?

Mom: Not now, Random Kid.

I thought abs were some sort of criteria to be on this list.

Cop: And I thought slightly-paunchy was a disqualification.

Mom: You just leave him to me.

Random Kid: Mommy? Can we go home, now?

Mom: You're going to stay here with these nice people for a little bit.

Cop: I've got to get me some of that bed-head, I guess.

Pigeon: I've got to get me a hot dog.

Random Kid: Begins crying again.

Now, come here, you.

Kyle: Wait, I'm not really into this kind of thing. I'm happily married, I think. I'm not even sure... nobody did any kind of background research for this at all, not even the minimal research that usually goes into it.

Mom: I'll research you.

I'm not sure what that means, but it was rude. (Uses time traveling powers to disappear.)

Pigeon: Tune in next time, when we'll sit down with Harold P. Warren, director of Manos: The Hand of Fate, widely considered to be the worst movie ever made. Until then, I'm Pigeon and this has been Sweetie's Hunk of the Week!


Renée said...

It was hilarious! Keep it up!

Briane P said...

I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for commenting.