Saturday, December 12, 2009

There is a little nudity in this post. Be forewarned, and Sweetie, don't just skip to that part. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 42)

I'm sorry, Nathan Fillion,

I'm sorry because while you've been named the 42nd Hunk of the Week, it's a title you hold in name only, as we'll see. You're not really a hunk, per se. You've made it on to the list, but like me in my grade school, high school, college, law school... well, like me in every year of my life until I met Sweetie and got married, you're doomed to sit on the sidelines while the real hunks get all the action.

But cheer up -- you'll probably still get to ride shotgun on the way home while your friend makes out with that girl you were going to ask to dance. That jerk. He knew that I thought she was cute and it's not like ...

...Where was I? Oh, yeah. Nathan Fillion

is, technically speaking, the 42nd Hunk of the Week. Let's find out about him, and why he's not really the Hunk of the Week.

You Don't Know Him Without You have seen him on one of the many things he's done which nobody, ever, has really watched. Nathan Fillion's career in that sense is like dark matter: It's supposedly out there but nobody has ever seen it or touched it or measured it and nobody can really prove that it actually is, and yet, it must exist, people say, because (in the case of Nathan Fillion) he's there walking around and being alive, or because (in the case of dark matter) they're a bunch of scientists who are too lazy to actually figure out the answers and they know nobody's paying attention, so they just say "Ah, well, dark matter, now let's go have some martinis and play Wii tennis."

Nathan Fillion's Career (Artist Conception):

Dark Matter (Artist's Conception):

Nathan Fillion was most recently seen starring in "my computer desktop photo," as Sweetie had downloaded his picture this week and made it the desktop background before I replaced it with my picture of Lake Monona masquerading as Antarctica. I'm sure some stars would mind being replaced by cold ducks, but I'm sure Nathan Fillion would be okay with it, for reasons we'll get to in a minute.

Before that, Nathan Fillion also was in "that one sci-fi TV show that wasn't Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica," and he was also in "that one movie based on that one sci-fi TV show that wasn't Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica," and he was also in "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog," which I downloaded and have watched twice and which is awesome, and he also played James Bond in two of the last three Bond movies.

Just seeing if you were paying attention or skimming to get to the nudity. (Sweetie...)

But, really, given that you don't really know what Nathan Fillion was in, can you swear he didn't play Bond? You didn't see the Bond movies, either, did you? I know you didn't, because you're not Daniel Craig's mother or sixty years old, and those are the only types of people who still watch Bond movies.

So, for sure, we know that Nathan Fillion (a) can sing, and (b) probably guest-starred on a Law & Order or some similar show recently, since that's how Sweetie knows people who star in shows that she doesn't watch, like sci-fi shows and movies with "blog" in the title.

Speaking of which: In the 90s, when email and the Internet were becoming a bigger deal, there were, by my count, about a zillion movies based in some way on the Internet and email, movies like You've Got Mail and The Net and ... um... Wargames?

But now that the Internet is a facet in everyone's life and is full of Youtube and These Videos Are NEVER Funny (Or Die) and blogging and The Social Networking Site That Hates Me But Still Lets White House Gate Crashers Have A Page and encourages abusive husbands to get in touch with their ex-wives, now that our lives are full of that stuff, we get... zero movies in which the plot revolves around one of those things. (I'm leaving out Julie & Julia, because it turns out that the blog on which it was based is one big huge deception.)

That needs to be remedied, and fast. How about this: Nathan Fillion stars in a movie about a guy who has no friends but dreams of being popular and famous, and one day sets out to make everyone in the world his friend on a social networking site, and, as he gets closer and closer to setting the record for the most friends on one of those sites, he gets a friend request from a girl he knew in high school, who he'd asked to the prom and who'd told him she liked him just as a friend. Now, though, she says that she's changed her mind and they begin dating. Pretty soon, he's falling for her anew, and is about to ask her to marry him when he finds out that she's been putting secret, edited videos of their dates on the web to promote her own dating website, leading him to pull the plug on his most-friends-ever experiment.

At the end, we see him clicking off his laptop in a coffee shop, and turning around, only to see the girl (let's say, Courtney Cox) standing there. She takes out her little digital video camera, drops it on the floor, and they walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand.

He's even got the quirky t-shirt necessary to
star in a romantic comedy nowadays!
This movie will sell itself.

I call it Friend Me? (Tagline: He set out to just be friends, until his status changed!) and you know it'd be a hit. Because Nathan Fillion's so likeable. As we'll see...

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: For one thing, chiseled, muscular guys aren't supposed to be this good at singing:

But beyond that, there's also the fact that right now, there are seventeen different photos of Nathan Fillion for sale on eBay, ranging from this one:

Which goes for $8.50 and is billed as a "hot rare new must see 8 x 10" photo, to an autographed photo being sold for $29.99. (But you can buy it now for $39.99!)

My favorite Nathan Fillion eBay item, though, is the collection of clippings about him, for sale on eBay for a bargain price of $3.50. I'd show you that, but the seller has cleverly kept me from copying the image over to this blog. But I mention it in case you are sitting around thinking to yourself, I wish I'd kept track of Nathan Fillion's career over the years, but it's too late to start now... it's not too late. It's never too late. Go bid now! (You'll be in a bidding war with me, though, as I still need a "stocking stuffer" for Sweetie for Christmas.)

Really, then, the thing that makes me go Hmmm about him is that it seems as though Nathan Fillion is sitting around, in between starring in things (maybe?) making a little side cash by taking pictures of himself and selling them on eBay. Which is what I'd do if I were famous, too, so I can't really blame him.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: I can't answer this one, because I had only just come in from crawling on our roof to knock snow off the satellite dish so that we could once again watch TV, and before I gave any thought to why Sweetie likes him, I asked her why, and she told me, which became instantly my reason for feeling sorry for him:

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: Says Sweetie: "He's just like a guy you can pal around with."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: SEE? See what I said? Ouch! Sorry, Nathan, you're in the friend category. You're the guy who wouldn't mind having his picture replaced by a bunch of ducks, you're the guy who could believably star in Friend Me?, you're the guy who is good-looking but can also sing, and that means that you're just a friend. True hunks always get the girl. Guys who are just a friend, who you can pal around with, drive the girl's car back to the girl's house while their their buddies drive the girl in their car back to the girl's house. Then, while the buddies make out with the girls in their house, those guys who are "just like friends" wait in the car trying to drum along with Radar Love on the dashboard.

That's where you are, Nathan Fillion: Forever trapped at one step above You're like a brother to me, and many levels below true hunkiness. I recommend putting Radar Love on your iPod now. That way, you'll have it ready for those late-night drum sessions.

(And, when you're doing that, call me. After years of practice, I know just how it goes.)

This picture is saved on computer as "Nathan end." Ha!
(It is also, I suspect, the Actual ACTUAL reason
Sweetie likes Nathan Fillion)

No comments: