Saturday, February 06, 2010

Sure, he's hot, but he's also French and those two tend to negate each other. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 48)

This week, to keep things interesting, and to get away from Sweetie's bland responses on why she likes the Hunks, I've decided to do the entire thing in Limerick form!

there once was a man from...


I once knew a guy who... Um.

Darn. I'm stumped. Okay, scrap that. This week's Hunk of the Week is:

Oliver Martinez!

You don't know him without you have seen the sex scene in Unfaithful, which should be remembered as "That movie that appeared to be advising couples to reinvigorate their marriage through murder," but instead is known as "That movie which made Diane Lane famous enough to give her a part in The Perfect Storm, even though her part in the Storm movie had her playing the fiance of Marky Mark, who is approximately 30 years younger than her." And also, it had Oliver Martinez in it.

Oliver Martinez played the character of "Sexy Guy Who Likes To Read And Also Finds Older Women Very Attractive." There are tons of those around, right? He thus joins the pantheon of entirely-fictional characters made up by, and for, women, including:

Sexy vampire who likes Goth girl for, instead of in spite of, her depression, and

Cool surfer guy who nevertheless develops responsibility while still maintaining great tan and killer abs, and

Guy in commercial whose wife uses all their credit card points on a dress for herself instead of a fabulous vacation for both of them, and yet he not only doesn't get mad, he loves her more for it. (Not pictured, but trust me, he exist

I'm going to write a movie starring all those guys, and make more money than Avatar and Titanic combined.

Speaking of which, here are two points I'd like to raise about Avatar:

1. Do you think that soon, James Cameron is going to make Titanic Avatar, in which Jack comes back from the dead, via an avatar, and meets Old Decrepit Rose and gives her an avatar and the two of them can live together forever, and, if so, do you think that movie would be awesome? Me, too.

2. Don't the avatars look a little like Thundercats?:

"Is it true, Zoe Saldana? Do we look like Thundercats?"

"Maybe just a little, guy who was also in Terminator.
Just a little. Plus, is it just me or do the two young
Thundercats appear to be missing pants in that picture?"

How am I the only one to notice that? Because I'm smarter than most everyone? Or better looking? (I think it's probably a little of both.)

Anyway, Oliver Martinez was probably also in other movies, but I only remember him as The Guy Who Raised The Bar For Me. Previously, I thought it was good enough to like reading and be a sensitive guy. (I'm not sensitive, but I can usually pretend that I know what Sweetie has been talking about and make some kind of comment that makes her think I was listening/caring.) Now, though, I've got to be a guy who likes reading, is sensitive, and who also doesn't ever eat pizza for both breakfast and dessert in the same day:

I bet he's sucking in his gut.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: He's French. Isn't that enough? Also, his dad was a Spanish professional boxer. And he first rose to fame in the movie "Un, Deux, Trois, Soleil," which I can only assume was a biopic about Soleil Moon Frye, who is beloved by the French, and probably also the Spanish, too.

Also, he placed 15th in something called The 101 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies, a show which aired on USA in 2005. Diane Lane, his co-star in Unfaithful, placed 96th. Richard Gere did not place on that list, but only because by then he was 113 years old, legally dead, but somehow still filming, with the Olsen Twins, a never-released romantic comedy tentatively titled Five Times As Old Equals Five Times As Romantic.

(While women create roles based on "The Men They Wished Existed," men create movies based on "Rules They Wished Applied In Real Life." That's how "Pretty Woman (Falls In Love With Older Guy)" gets made, as well as how other equally-improbable movies get made, movies like "Kevin James Has A Shot At A Supermodel" and "Rob Schneider Doesn't Work At Arby's As A Night Manager.")

Here's another thing that makes you go hmmm about Oliver Martinez: He was never in a Law & Order, ever. And yet, Sweetie still knows who he is! Strange but true! (I once thought about pasting my picture onto the TV set so that Sweetie would think I'd been in Law & Order. And also to cover up the spot where I let Mr Bunches draw on it one day.)

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: He was really good at sex in Unfaithful. Really good. Like, I should be taking notes good. Here's some snippets:

He's like a Sex Professor (which is another job that men would create in the movies. "Richard Gere is The Sex Professor.")(That movie doesn't even need a plot. It'll be released in 3 months.)

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "He's so sexy."

More specific, please, Sweetie, you're getting kind of general with these reasons. "I like his face. It's very sexy."

Come on, Sweetie, saying I think he's hunky because he's sexy is like saying that's a circle because it circles things. Give me something to work with here. What is it about his face? "How many times do I have to tell you? It's beautiful. His eyes, his lips, his nose."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him:
Sweetie, he was really good at the sex. Really. Most people probably don't even realize he has a face...

...on the other hand, by pointing that out, I've unwittingly raised the bar further. Sorry, guys. Now we have to be sensitive and like reading and finds older women attractive and has a face that is magical and be good at sex.

At least I've got one of those things. And luckily for me, Sweetie is younger than me, so that counts as two. Which one should I work on next, I wonder?

1 comment:

Petri Dish said...

He's pretty hot but don't feel too bad about the sex thing, he probably screams his own name when he's coming.