Saturday, March 20, 2010

If it's SELF-defense, he can't use it to come beat me up for making fun of it, right? (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week 54)

You have to give Sweetie credit. She has an impressive list of Hunks -- as she pointed out, she tends to pick not the obvious ones, but the more-obscure hunks that you may have missed.

Sweetie didn't miss them. She has a categorical knowledge of every hunky guy who's ever appeared on TV or in a movie. Like Hunk 54:

Cam Gigandet.

You don't know him without you have
both a basic understanding of how to pronounce kind-of-French names, and seen Twilight. Which is to say "you don't know him without you are a 15-year-old girl, or Sweetie."

Cam Gigandet is the star of Twilight. Or maybe he's not. I'm not sure: whenever I try to Google Twilight my computer monitor just curls up, wiggles its base, and squeals in anticipation of all the emotions that movie-and-book is fraught with, and then goes off to write little notes.

But I'm assured by Sweetie that Cam Gigandet was in Twilight, and also that he was in the movie The Unborn, a movie I did go look up just to be sure, but then I wasn't really sure whether I'd seen it or not, as I get many of those lesser horror movies confused. There was a period of time there when Sweetie was buying and renting horror movies by the bushel (they sell them that way) and we were trying to watch them, usually late on Fridays or Saturdays after the Babies! were in bed (note that I never say the Babies! were asleep. They never are. They never sleep. I'm pretty sure that Mr F hasn't slept more than 10 minutes, total, since he was born.)(He's spent the rest of the time knocking down his dresser.)

As a result of trying to watch movies late at night when I was already tired, and amidst the din of dressers being knocked over, I tended to doze off and not follow those movies very closely, the result being that I now believe that the plot of every single horror movie I've seen in the past five years is this:

A woman goes back to a deserted house in Russia and then walks through some sewers under it, for some reason, finding out that she was raised as twins and that someone in the house is trying to kill her. Maybe her twin.

When Sweetie reads that, she's going to go nuts because, for every horror movie she brings up, I say to her "Wasn't that the one where a woman goes back to a deserted house in Russia and then walks through some sewers under it, for some reason, finding out that she was raised as twins and that someone in the house is trying to kill her. Maybe her twin?"

Or I try to say that to her, because I now get as far as saying "... a woman" and Sweetie says "No! Don't say it! That was not the one!"


Cam Gigandet -- who, according to his IMDB page, pronounces his last name "Ji-GON-Day" (which you'd know if you had that basic understanding of how to pronounce kind-of-French names -- was in that one movie about a woman who goes back... etc., and also in Twilight.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: You can buy his website domain name, for one thing. If you Google Cam Gigandet, as I've done once and Sweetie has done 462 times in the past 24 hours, you'll see that a first-screen result is the opportunity to buy the domain name, for only $50 -- a price that's only good until March, 2011.

And you'll get lots of pictures like this:

Also for sale on that site:, for only $5. So if you're starting a fan website, and you're on a budget, you may want to look up this Trent Ford character and see if you can't obsess over him.

(Sweetie, that's aimed at you. I'm trying to save you money.)

Which wouldn't be a bad idea, because Trent Ford actually played Mr. Mxyzptlk on Smallville, and the more I read about that show, the more I think I might want to watch that show -- it's got Aquaman, and Mr. Mxyzptlk and all those other great superheroes, but then, I think "I'm not sure that they actually do superhero stuff on the show," and I wouldn't want to watch it if they don't because I don't want to watch a bunch of moody teenagers glomming around not doing superhero stuff. That's my real life.

That and furniture being knocked over by Mr F, who does do super stuff, but it's more super villain stuff.

Cam Gigandet was never on Smallville. Nor was he, as far as I can tell, ever on any version of Law & Order, which means that we've still got a little time before the L&O-Geddon hits.

The other thing that makes you go Hmmm about him is that he's a practitioner of "Krav Maga," a self-defense form that was supposedly invented by the Israeli army, and is, therefore, I assume slightly more functional, and slightly less dorkily-hilarious than every other self-defense form.

I don't know about you, but I lose respect for someone the moment they tell me they put on pajamas and pretend-fight other people, and that's all "self-defense" and "martial arts" are, even Krav Maga: Pajama Pretend Fighting. Which might be fun for people to imagine...

... Sweetie, you'd better be imagining me Pajama Pretend Fighting with you...

... but is lame in real life.

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: Sweetie first saw him, I'm sure, in Twilight, and Sweetie liked everything about Twilight, the movie, even the soundtrack, which she bought, and even songs on the soundtrack that she wouldn't ordinarily like. (Sweetie especially liked Robert Pattinson.) I just assumed she was Twilighted into liking him.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: I asked Sweetie to write it down for me, as I was coming into the office today and was going to post this between "work," and here's exactly what she wrote down:

Does things to my insides.

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: When I read that, I went back to her and said "What, exactly, does he do to your insides?"

And she wouldn't tell me. She just smiled, and changed the subject. I'm pretty sure, though, that she was thinking about Pajama Fights with him:

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