Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hippopotamusses? (A Great Ranking Of Problems Addition!)
I was all excited to pull out my lunch and get down to business today, because I knew that Sweetie had put Ramen noodles in it (she did so after I expressly told her last night that "Ramen noodles are my favorite thing ever for lunch and they make me happy) and also because I had Pringles, I knew.
Then I pulled out my sandwich and my spirits just dropped. Like a stone. Or an albatross. Or a stone albatross. I'm not sure albatrosses drop. (I am certain, though, that the plural of albatross is albatrosses, even though I always think it should be albatri.)
(And why is that that it's albatrosses but it's not octopusses and hippopotamusses?)
(That's a fun sentence to say out loud. Try it.)
(Now you're in trouble at work, aren't you? Very few jobs let you just go around saying albatrosses octopusses hippopotamusses. Unless you work for Dr. Seuss' Institute of Fun-To-Pronounce Words.)
So anyway, my spirits dropped like a whole raft of hippopotamusses because Sweetie had given me peanut butter and jelly and as much as I love Sweetie and as great as she is, she is fundamentally incapable of making a good PB&J sandwich because she puts too little PB & J on it.
A good peanut-butter & jelly sandwich has about 1/4 inch of peanut butter, and a lot of jelly -- but not just randomly glopped on there. The jelly has to be placed in the center of the sandwich in a large lump, and then when the top slice of bread is placed on, the jelly is gently pressed and smoothed towards the sides so that it almost, but not quite, reaches the edge, so that you can have tons of jelly but it never gooshes out the side.
Sweetie can't find it in herself to do that. Something about her upbringing, I think. That and she doesn't like jelly.
I know -- crazy, right? How can you not like jelly?
Peanut butter, in fact, exists primarily as a means to get jelly into people without being disgusting -- it lets people eat jelly and still be respectable members of society, as they would not be if they just spooned it out of the jar. (Peanut butter, in that respect, is like the vegetable part of salad.)
So anyway, I'm adding this to the Great Ranking of Problems:
99: Spousal PB&J Incompatibility.
173: Preshoveling & reshoveling snow.
502: Having to wait forever, seemingly, for Italian food to cool down.
. . .
721: Printer not holding a lot of paper at once.
5,000: Lopsided Nail Clipping.
. . .
15,451: Almost napping.
14,452: Worrying that there's too much peanut brittle leftover to eat before it goes bad.
22,372: Having hair which isn't quite a definable color.
22,373: Having too many songs on an iPod