Saturday, November 28, 2009

I wear a vest pretty well, too, you know. (Sweetie's Hunk Of The Week #40)

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The 40th Hunk of The Week is:

Chuck Wicks... (?)

You Don't Know Him Without:
I'm not sure. I'm not even sure who Chuck Wicks is. All I know at present is that Chuck Wicks was Hunk nominee number 3 this week. As of Monday, Sweetie was certain she was going to pick Don Johnson -- but the 1980s version of Don Johnson, who's song Heartbeat has, sadly, been downloaded onto our iTunes and has been, even more sadly, played many, many times this week.

Then, for a day or two, it was going to be James Franco. I found out it wasn't 1980s Don Johnson and was supposed to be James Franco because the background/desktop picture on our computer had changed from 1980s Don Johnson to modern-day James Franco, who is something of the 2000s version of Don Johnson, come to think of it.

Then, yesterday, I sat down to play 'puter with Mr F -- we were going to play Fisher-Price music games -- and I noticed that there was a new guy on the background. (Having hunky guys as my computer desktop background is especially fun when I take the laptop to a seminar with me, plugging it in next to a couple of other lawyers who are then treated to "Shirtless Guy With Serious Look: The Picture" or whatever it is Sweetie's got stored on there.

"Who's this guy?" I asked, when I saw that the background had changed.

Specifically, who's this guy?

"Chuck Wicks," she said.

Whoever that is. Now I've got to research this guy, applying the same amount of attention-to-detail and hard-working-ethic that I do to other things in my life, other things like sweeping the kitchen, which, when I did it the other night, I noticed after I was done that I'd missed about 13 "Chexes" from the Chex Mix. Given my hardworking-attention-to-detail background, you'd expect a brilliant solution that and I had one ready: kick them under the stove, blame kids.

That's the kind of dedication I bring to not just "sweeping," but to research. That's how I found out, for you, who "Chuck Wicks" is.

He's a country singer.

I found that out by using my phenomenal research skills to ask Sweetie.

That, though, was all Sweetie knew about Chuck Wicks. That made me wonder: How does Sweetie know who Chuck Wicks is, without knowing anything else about him? That, then, made me wonder, as I do so often: What goes on when I'm not around? But that's a question I've learned not to ask. I ask a lot of questions around our house, questions like "Who is Chuck Wick?" and like "How many burgers are you having for breakfast?" and "Where are your pants?" and "Why do I have to install a new toilet seat approximately every three months?" but some questions are best left unanswered.

The question about Who Is Chuck Wicks? is not one of those, so I'll answer it the same way everyone, even "scientsts" like "Richard Dawkins" answer things now, by googling it. Here's the results I got:

Now, I originally clicked on the Chuck Wicks homepage before clicking back and deciding that the number two result better defined Chuck Wicks. So in answer to the question,

You don't know Chuck Wicks without you have been Julianne Hough and dumped him, apparently.

Research done! Genius status restored!

Except, who's Julianne Hough? This is like a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in bacon!

If there are three things I can't leave alone, it's mysteries, bacon, and leftover Thanksgiving Chex Mix. Armed with two of those three, I went ahead and googled who is julianne hough. Here's what you get:

If you misunderstand Google the way I do, then you know that the fact that Who Is Julianne Hough dating appears so high on the page is indicative of something or other, statistics-wise. (Science!) If you research the way I do, then you may also know, from skimming the excerpts of those pages, that Julianne Hough is also a country singer, and maybe a dancer, if I remember correctly. (Science!) And if you write the way I do, then you got interrupted typing that last sentence because Mr F was sticking his fingers into your coffee.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmmmm About Him: What's really making me ponder, right now, is why Julianne Hough dumped Chuck Wicks. What's the deal there? So let's go to the mats again on the research. This time, I refined my search and asked:
why did julianne hough dump chuck wicks? Is he like a total loser, or what?


Here's what we find this time:

Hmm. I'll say... results are inconclusive.

Bonus Question: Has the "Lindy Hop" ever been banned at any high school dance, and what does that have to do with Chuck Wicks?

The answer is: I don't know, but I did find out that at one point, Congress taxed dance halls, beginning at a rate of 30%. As you'd expect, such an outrage did not go unnoticed and unprotested by such luminaries as Max Roach, who blamed Big Government for helping kill public dancing: "This tax is the real story why dancing ... public dancing per se ... were [sic] just out. Club owners, promoters, couldn't afford to pay the city tax, state tax, government tax," he said, on a website that I'm sure is credible.

Clearly, Max was right. Public dancing was never seen again in the history of America, until brave people like Julianne Hough brought it back into the limelight.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him:
If I had to guess, and I do, because I'm still not entirely sure who he is or what he does, although I do know that Google thinks he's a big loser (Science!) I will go with... Sweetie likes him because he helped restore dancing to America.

Sweetie doesn't care what I
pretend Google thinks of him.

Actual reason Sweetie Likes Him: "I don't know much about him because he's a country star, but he's a cutie patootie!" She even put the exclamation point in herself.

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him:
Sure, he wears a vest well, but I knew the correct spelling of Patootie. Does Chuck Wicks?

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