Saturday, August 29, 2009

Astute readers will note that again, by sheer chance, apparently, "Abs" play a prominent role in the selection of the Hunk (Hunk of the Week, 29)

The Hunk Of The Week is Thomas Calabro.

You/Sweetie Know Him As: You probably know him as "Michael Mancini" from Melrose Place. Sweetie, though, knows him as Stripper Cop. He played Stripper Cop in a movie that was called Ladykillers:

But I think we can all agree that movie would've done a lot better if it had actually been called Stripper Cop.

Here's the plot of Stripper Cop, a/k/a Ladykillers a/ka/ "The Movie Sweetie Uses To Relax After Mr Bunches and Mr F Stop Tearing Off Our Wallpaper and Go Take a Nap:"

A brutal live stage murder is committed on one of the hot male dancers at what's considered to be the hottest club in L.A., a place where the guys strip and the woman cheer.

It's not often you can spot gaping plot holes in an IMDB synopsis, but this is one of those movies, beginning with If it was done on stage, weren't there, like, 100 witnesses? Even if all the witnesses were women having "Girls Nights Out" and cheering and drinking Pom-Tinis, one of them must have been sober enough to recall a description of the killer.

Luckily, nobody writing the movie thought of that, so Sweetie was able to pick Thomas Calabro as her hunk of the week based on his ability to solve a murder and strip. (I understand there's a whole section for that on the detective's exam.)

I know him as: I guess "Michael Mancini" from Melrose Place, a show that was big enough that I know who he is even though I didn't watch that show, just as I didn't watch so many other shows and movies. Talking with Sweetie about TV and movies and pop culture sometimes makes me wonder just what I did do during the 1980s and 1990s, since I never know who anyone is talking about. Rather than expose my ignorance, I just nod and silently try to remember whether Timber Wolf dated Lightning Lass in The Legion Of Superheroes comic books. And as I do that, I remember what it was I did during the 80s and 90s.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: He was in an episode of Melrose Place titled "Asses To Ashes." I wondered what that was about, so I checked the plot and this is the exact plot description off IMDB:

In the thrilling series final, Terry and Sarah survive the car accident where Ryan finally makes amends meet between Megan and Terry, who agrees to leave town and Ryan to start over his life with Megan and Sarah. Meanwhile, Eve's sanity finally cracks when she kidnaps both Lexi and Michael as part of her plan to murder Amanda and Peter and set Lexi up for the fall, while Amanda's guilt over the Demarr football murder surfaces for everyone. Peter begins to have other problems when Irene Shulman starts a new plan to bring him down by charging him with mutual funds charges. After Jane tells Kyle that she's pregnant, he's eager to start his life over with her, but Jane suspects that Michael may be the father of her unborn child, but doesn't tell Kyle. Also, Michael tries to pressure Lexi to marry him, but she refuses for her career at Thomas-Sterling-Conway comes first. Fleeing from both a police investigation and the murderous Eve stalking them, Amanda and Peter take refuge at Louis Visconti's mountain cabin. When the police close in, Amanda and Peter fake their own deaths by blowing up the cabin. In the end, Peter and Amanda skip the country and secretly marry on a remote tropical island, while Eve is on her way to a lunatic asylum with no one to help her. Ryan and Megan live happily ever after as does Kyle and Jane. While a lonely Lexi continues running her advertising company, Michael, having covered for Peter and Amanda and receiving $1 million in bribe money, settles with his new job finally being the Chief of Staff at Wilshire Memorial with a large-breasted nurse as his secretary. "Life is good", says Michael.

I tried to read that three times and I can't make heads or tails of all the names and events. I also can't decide whether I'm sorry to have not watched the show, or glad that I didn't because just reading the description made me need to double my meds.

While I was looking that up, I also found an amazing stash of Michael Mancini quotes that can be best summed up with this one:

Matt Fielding: How can you stay with a woman who tried to kill you?

Dr. Michael Mancini: Do I judge your lifestyle, Matt?

That's the kind of quality TV we could use these days.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: Sometimes, I think Sweetie looks around at her life, which is mostly, these days, a blur of partially-clothed, 3-year-olds, teenagers rushing in and out, cats, errands, bills, chores, more partially-clothed 3-year-olds, and a husband who is possibly destroying their backyard with some kind of gardening scheme while also focusing 90% of his time on trying to find people to fill out his fantasy football league, and longs for the good old days, getting nostalgic for a time when she was younger and life was easier, so she remembers these cheesy movies from the 80s and thinks of these guys not because of their bodies or anything, but simply because they remind her of that time, relaxing her and allowing her to fully appreciate her life nowadays by contrasting it with those earlier times.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: I just woke Sweetie up from her nap to ask her that, again, and this is what she said: "Ladykillers."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: Well, sure. That's understandable. I mean, she no doubt was... nostalgia... relax... something...


There's no way to sugarcoat this, so I'll just say it: The movie is pointless. There's no way it holds up to repeated viewings. Why would he have to go undercover as a stripper? Does that ever happen? The whole point of the movie is just to have him go shirtles and dance around, right, making it kind of a Striptease for women? Sweetie, you are so busted. You could have at least tried to go with nostalgia.

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