Friday, June 05, 2009

People who read this blog include me, you, and Joe Biden (The Mourning Gnus for 6/5/09)

I tried to fake my own death once, but Sweetie caught on. She said she was tipped off when I snuck downstairs for leftover pizza. Here's the Gnus!

I'm gonna give all of you some advice: Don't Do That, It's Stupid: Time for the first-ever round-up of stupid schemes to get out of relationships. First up: Marcus Schenker. Just saying his name alone won't tell you why he's in this story, but if I say it this way: "Marcus Schenker, the guy who crashed his plane to fake his own death" you'll probably nod and say "Oh, yeah, that doofus." Schenker -- who called the allegations that he was stupid... I mean allegations that he had faked his own death "absurd" will plead guilty to those "absurd" allegations.

Marcus might -- when he gets out of prison-- want to ask out Bonnie Sweeten. Again, you're saying "Who?" so I'll give you her full media name: "Bonnie Sweeten, the woman who said black guys kidnapped her but was actually just taking
her daughter to Disney World using stolen money."

My favorite part of the Bonnie Sweeten story is her coworker, a woman named "Jillian." Jillian loaned her ID to Bonnie after Bonnie said she needed it to fix a discrepancy in Bonnie's 401(k). Got that? Bonnie needed Jillian's ID to fix Bonnie's 401(k) plan. Jillian described that request as "innocent."

In reviewing these stories, ask yourself this: Were these people living in a John Grisham novel? Because even in those, these types of schemes are always just one step away from being foiled by an ambitious young lawyer (Matt Damon.)

This is either the worst job or the best job ever: When did humans first start laughing? 10 million to 16 million years ago, according to "scientists" (i.e., "people with nothing better to do.") British scientists -- who obviously don't understand that real scientists spend their time eating at Applebee's, not doing stuff like this -- have been studying the origins of laughter by tickling apes.

And not just apes, either: To quote from the article, "The researchers painstakingly tickled young orangutans, chimpanzees, gorillas, and bonobos, as well as human infants, and Joe Biden.

Okay, I threw that last part in there, but that was to test my own scientific research, which is to prove this hypothesis: "Saying Joe Biden at the end of any list automatically makes it funny." Other recent studies I've done include:

Four Members of Janis Joplin's "Holding Company: " Chet Helms, Steven Ryder, Dave Getz, and Joe Biden.

Things You Wouldn't Want To See Jennifer Aniston kiss: John Mayer, an iguana, the sky, Joe Biden.

Anyway, the results of the Ape-Tickling Study were inconclusive, with the "scientists" finishing by asking
this question: "What kind of parents give their baby to a scientist so that it can be tickled next to a baboon?"

Where I'm Getting My Gossip Today: You, like me, should click over to "CelebSlam" about every twenty minutes. Otherwise you'll be way behind on important news like Jessica Simpson buying Tony Romo a boat.


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