Saturday, July 11, 2009

If I wanted to be healthy, I wouldn't have invented "Pizza Nachos." (The Great Ranking Of

I went into our cabinet last night, looking for some chips to eat as a snack while I watched The Soup with Sweetie. That's our Friday night, and it's about all the excitement I can handle after a long week; some Fridays, I don't even make it 'til 9:30 before I conk out.

But last night, I was wide awake and ready to go, and I wanted some chips, something salty, to eat. Here is what I found in there:

-- Four opened-but-not-really-eaten bags of plain corn tortilla chips.
-- One bag of goldfish crackers.

There was also an empty bag that formerly contained Doritos, but now had just some Dorito powder at the bottom.

Those aren't chips. Those aren't even snacks. They're like pre-snacks -- they're snacks that require the addition of other things to become edible. Nobody eats plain corn chips. Nobody. It's impossible. They're so bland. They need salsa, or cheese, or pizza sauce, or ice cream, or something, before they can be eaten. And goldfish crackers? I'd rather eat a goldfish.

That lack of chips -- or plethora of chips nobody likes -- highlights the latest entry on The Great Ranking Of Problems, which is this:

Family members imposing their diets on me.

The reason we have those bland corn chips is that Middle and Sweetie, who do most of the grocery shopping, think they want those bland tortilla things. They will be in the grocery store and will see them and will think "I should get those, because they seem healthier than these Doritos and Fritos and Cheese Pops and Pizza-Flavored-Ranch-Zesties," and so they get them...

... and then don't eat them, because they're gross. But I get stuck eating them when I'm hungry, because it's all that's in the house. Just like I get stuck eating all the fruit that we started buying when The Boy decided he didn't want us to have junk food around the house, and asked that we buy fruit and yogurt instead -- so we started doing that, and he started going to Hardee's for lunch with his friends.

And just like I get stuck eating all the healthy cereal that our family buys, with people thinking I'm going to be healthy in the mornings, only they don't - -they don't eat the cereal, and they go to McDonald's and get Egg McMuffins and then, on Friday nights, when there's no snacks, I have to have a bowl of "Sticks & Stones: The Healthy All Natural Breakfast Cereal (Now With Real Stones!)" instead of something that's made primarily of corn starch and powdered nacho flavor.

So while I am very unwillingly forced to be healthy (or, at least, not as unhealthy) I am also going to post this one pretty high up on the Great Ranking:

Prior entries on The Great Ranking Of Problems:

Family members imposing their diets on me
99: Spousal PB&J Incompatibility.
173: Preshoveling & reshoveling snow.

What to do about stuff I was going to buy but then it broke in the store and now I still want to buy the stuff but I don't want to buy something that was broken?

413: Guilt Over Meanness To Sentient Paperclips
. . .
502: Having to wait forever, seemingly, for Italian food to cool down.
. . .

721: Printer not holding a lot of paper at once.
2,624: Unidentifiable Mystery Song Stuck In Head.
5,000: Lopsided Nail Clipping.
7,399: Potato(E?)s?
. . .

14,452: Worrying that there's too much peanut brittle leftover to eat before it goes bad.
15,451: Almost napping.
22,372: Having hair which isn't quite a definable color.
22,373: Having too many songs on an iPod

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